Sad

[Springer80]

It was those words I heard in the moment that got me out of a curled up panic attacks

Yes, I hear what your saying. But faking it till you make it as a life plan, when you have ptsd is not the same context as when other people use it.

In 'normal' situations, people use it to get over a confidence issue but they are doing something they want to do in life, it is assumed. Faking not being traumatised long term is not a helpful strategy. You end up going through life rather than being invested in it.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you for the awareness

 

[Chava]

Thanks again @Springer80 for following, responding (and not making me feel like I should have better understanding of where I am at, or not be so messed up). I'd hate to call a suicide hotline and be told to get a grip, but that's what I fear about asking for support and I admit I am super overly verbal and mixed up in my head about how I do it...because I suck at it.

Yes, I'm afraid decades of tornado has died down to stillness and now I can't un-see the destruction. But the emptiness is the worst part.

 

[Bookoffee]

@Chava I am so sorry about my post. I have a better understanding now. I am sorry I did not have enough awareness

 

[Chava]

@Bookoffee I wasn't referring to you at all. Sorry. You've been helpful too. Someone right away told me to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" in regards to this original post and I was in a bad place already so it's been a bizarre afternoon. I still feel like I've been gutted by my own life, then punched in the face. So none of my weird sh#t is directed at you, okay? Honestly I just feel really confused right now and maybe don't make a load of sense, feels like time is spinning in crazy non-linear directions or I've been cut loose from the space station...

 

[StellaBlue]

You are in crisis right now. If your therapist accepts calls, call her now. Personally, I've found crisis lines to be less than helpful....but if that's your only option, you may need to consider it.

I don't know you, but based on your other posts this week, I suspect you have become overwhelmed by your "research" into your symptoms and your current stressors in your life. And while it may be factual that you currently have no supports, part of this is your depression lying to you.

Healing isn't a "one and done"....it's a process...and it takes time. But I can guarantee that there are little pockets of calm (even joy) in the storm. And those pockets get bigger and bigger the further you go.

That said, you can't work on you shit while you're in crisis. You need to stabilize. And during stabilization, you start to learn tools to help you when you cycle around again.

Personally, ,DBT has been a life saver for me in terms of gaining the tools I need to do my trauma work....but I also understand it's not been helpful for others.

HOWEVER that's to consider later. For now - call your therapist. Your only words need to be "I am really struggling and I don't know what to say or do".

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava you have a lot of folks sending hope your way. I hope something clicks for you. The only thing I want to offer you is considering Reiki. It has helped me tremendously. When I read your description of your current functioning capabilities it feels familiar to me. If you want me to PM you some info about it, let me know

 

[Chava]

Thanks @StellaBlue I feel beyond sad and disoriented, like I don't know if what I am feeling is reality or unreality, but I think I need to find something that pulls me back to earth...just nothing feels right anymore...I will try more Pilates because at least then I feel connected to my legs and what I'm doing. I sent my therapist an e-mail to un-cancel my appointment for tomorrow. She wasn't mad at my weird sh%* but seemed to understand I'm scared of the situation I'm in.

Thanks @KwanYingirl

 

[Chava]

Goddess Kali...because lots of stuff has been destructed...false ideas, distractions, beliefs...so much that I don't know what will be left of me. If anything...that little bit can hopefully be transformed. Kali is fierce. She is like a container for my reality-unreality confusion tonight. I'm not religious, but I will leave to her to sort out while I sleep and she can be my companion (I have a beautiful painting) while I do my sedated pilates.....then sleeeeeeep//////then see my therapist who hahsn't given up on my sorry ass yet. k;lj;adj;omdipwiaefolksmg-ir[,0iai[e mie

 

[Bookoffee]

I'm afraid decades of tornado has died down to stillness and now I can't un-see the destruction.

This is what I feel like. This is how my life has been the past couple of months. I wish I could go on about it but I am just too "raw" this morning. Just know that I see the same destruction and it is so hard to find the strentgh to start picking up the aftermath.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Bookoffee . Hope you're doing okay this morning. I understand the raw-ness. I'm glad I woke up feeling less disoriented, but also glad I have an appointment with my therapist later today and am following through on that. It feels hard but I don't think I have better options at this point.

 

[Bookoffee]

I hope you are able to find something new today to start clearing the path that has been left behind. Hope it makes sense