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- #205
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
I have a little respite before the next group of angry children attack so I thought I'd gather my thoughts for my therapy session.
I have no idea how sessions work now and if we spend the whole 45 minutes on EMDR or if we spend some of the session talking about other things. I'm good with spending the whole session working on whatever for EMDR. But I think if we do some talking before we kick off the EMDR, I want to discuss transference with my T. I know the feeling surges I get towards my T are 100% transference. I know the transference is making him the target (not the cause!) of the feelings that I feel towards my mother. Since limiting my contact with her, those feelings have diminished. But the other place that those feelings pop up are towards my chaotic boss. And this transference is based a lot more in reality. My boss is around the same age as my mom (she's definitely over 60) and is manipulative and loves to gaslight people. Because she reminds me so strongly of my mother, I am deeply afraid of her without real cause. She doesn't actually even have the direct power to write me up. She has to convince someone else to do it. On top of that, the district liaison for our school remembers me from my very first school where she was also my boss and really likes me. I'd have to mess up catastrophically to be in danger of losing my job.
My T challenged me in the last session to picture having a phone conversation with my mom when she is being nasty and to be able to end the call without it having an effect on me. I've made improvements in this area with my boss but mom herself is still a trigger. I wonder if the ways I've started being able to handle my boss can be broken down and applied to this visualization. Maybe that's bonkers, I have no idea how these crazy brain things work.
I am also considering discussing some weird inner doubts I've been having. I have these memories of the bad, abusive things happening. I have memories of being left places or left home alone for far longer than I should have at certain ages. Lots of neglect. But sometimes I wonder if I'm somehow making all of this up. Friends have commented that I have too many significant behaviors to have had a normal childhood and that I don't really display crazy or erratic behavior, just maladaptive. But I have this super creative brain that loves to daydream. It feels strange to me, like it happened to someone else sometimes. Because I don't always feel secure in my memories and experiences, it's hard sometimes to believe anyone else will too. It sometimes feels like so many crazy things happened to me and who is really going to believe all that? I only barely do.
Those are the two topics I might like to discuss. I think either one will be hard. I think I'm rooting to just jump into EMDR stuff, if I'm being honest.
I have no idea how sessions work now and if we spend the whole 45 minutes on EMDR or if we spend some of the session talking about other things. I'm good with spending the whole session working on whatever for EMDR. But I think if we do some talking before we kick off the EMDR, I want to discuss transference with my T. I know the feeling surges I get towards my T are 100% transference. I know the transference is making him the target (not the cause!) of the feelings that I feel towards my mother. Since limiting my contact with her, those feelings have diminished. But the other place that those feelings pop up are towards my chaotic boss. And this transference is based a lot more in reality. My boss is around the same age as my mom (she's definitely over 60) and is manipulative and loves to gaslight people. Because she reminds me so strongly of my mother, I am deeply afraid of her without real cause. She doesn't actually even have the direct power to write me up. She has to convince someone else to do it. On top of that, the district liaison for our school remembers me from my very first school where she was also my boss and really likes me. I'd have to mess up catastrophically to be in danger of losing my job.
My T challenged me in the last session to picture having a phone conversation with my mom when she is being nasty and to be able to end the call without it having an effect on me. I've made improvements in this area with my boss but mom herself is still a trigger. I wonder if the ways I've started being able to handle my boss can be broken down and applied to this visualization. Maybe that's bonkers, I have no idea how these crazy brain things work.
I am also considering discussing some weird inner doubts I've been having. I have these memories of the bad, abusive things happening. I have memories of being left places or left home alone for far longer than I should have at certain ages. Lots of neglect. But sometimes I wonder if I'm somehow making all of this up. Friends have commented that I have too many significant behaviors to have had a normal childhood and that I don't really display crazy or erratic behavior, just maladaptive. But I have this super creative brain that loves to daydream. It feels strange to me, like it happened to someone else sometimes. Because I don't always feel secure in my memories and experiences, it's hard sometimes to believe anyone else will too. It sometimes feels like so many crazy things happened to me and who is really going to believe all that? I only barely do.
Those are the two topics I might like to discuss. I think either one will be hard. I think I'm rooting to just jump into EMDR stuff, if I'm being honest.