Thank you so much for all of your posts!
I just realized that not being allowed to say no has been the source of a lot of bitterness. I've been aware that I have deep rooted bitterness, but never thought I would realize that it is connected to not being allowed to say no.
I think it had caused me to be very selfish and to be sparing in my giving (not just things, but of myself)... to always feel empty. Like, how can I give when I need so much?
Funny, I've always felt like I've never had enough... of anything. Even though I have enough of everything. Maybe without the freedom to say no, everything I have/had never really felt like mine, and no matter how much of it I had, it never really feel like mine. "No" can define ownership and control.
Now that I've said no, I'm expecting that I will start to feel like I have something to give. Something that is mine. I already feel free in some sense that I'm have trouble putting into words.
Those two year old words: "mine" and "no" are some very important words for children to learn. Maybe they indicate that the little ones are at the beginning of developing a sense of philanthropy. To some, to many, that stage seems very selfish and rebellious, and difficult, but what potential for the foundation of generosity and autonomy!
And to realize the loss... Oh, how much was stolen! when that two year old's no was trampled in the dust with violence! The beginnings of being full, replaced by an emptiness that would define my life, and drain every good thing out that was ever placed within.
