Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Britt.f7]

Philippa, I'm promising to my children right now to not be that mother! Your conversation sounds just like the one's I've had with my mom. :banghead:

 

[Philippa]

I think that's the only good thing that can come out of these sorts of parental issues...the determination to not become like them. In that way I am grateful to my mother, for showing me how I do not want to be.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Me too.

 

[Britt.f7]

My mom told me in my twenties that I would be just like her. Thankfully I had a friend who talked me down from that emotional cliff! I wasn't and am not like her in the bad ways.

 

[ms spock]

The problem with the situation that you describe is that she doesn't really love you. She loves an extension of herself. We feel it when we are an object or when our real selves are disregarded. It is an extremely crazy making and insidious feeling and hard to express or put ones finger on.

It is very difficult.

The other problem with this type of behaviour is that it makes it really difficult to disengage without guilt as on the surface the person can appear really loving. That tends to make us feel that our anger and distress is out of proportion to the situation. But really it isnt and is rather telling you something.

It is very difficult.

Do you have a history of taking care of others needs at the expense of your own?

*nods*

 

[ms spock]

Has anyone had success overcoming being a family scapegoat? Are you healing from this?

I am healing from this.

 

[Philippa]

I'm healing from it too. I basically told them all I wasn't going to be the scapegoat anymore...and just haven't really contacted any of them since.

My brother contacted me last week wanting to "work it out" but I know that means "I'll guilt trip you into feeling so ashamed of yourself for what you've done to my parents, that you will come back and return to your given role without complaint so life can go back to the way it was, and we'll all feel better."

 

[Mary Black]

Same here. As I've mentioned recently at the forum, I was adopted and my adoptive family treated me like I was inferior. They still do and some of them live near me so I have to see them every holiday and more. Because of the strange family culture they think it's ok to treat anyone who disagrees like an outcast. It's a very mafia or cult-like family

 

[Philippa]

Makes you wonder why they would adopt in the first place, if they are like this? I'm sure they think they are nice people for being so kind and helping you.:rolleyes:

 

[Abstract]

I have abdicated my role in the family and am off script! I have to watch myself all the time but refused to be the waste-paper bin for everyone else cr*p anymore. And I do it quietly and assertively. Darn hard but gets easier with lots of practice even though I slip at times.

 

[ms spock]

Both of my parents worked as a team. It was very abusive over such a long period of time.

It is hard when parents work as an abusive team. I am still living with the legacy of this.

I seem unable to step out of the position I grew up in, a lot of the time.

 

[ms spock]

I haven't been able to get rid of the "I'm the one at fault" feeling that I usually carry with me.

This is great you can fight this.