Scared And Not Sure What To Do...

[Road2Recovery]

I was driving home last night after a wonderful couple of days. I had been talking with my hubby and trying to stay focused, as it was 11:30 pm and we were on a road with lots of construction. My hubby fell asleep because go allergy meds had kicked in. The automatic silence triggered me into flashbacks--memory and body ones--of being molested and all the shame and guilt that goes along with it.

I tried to use all of my coping and mindfulness skills that I have been learning. I focused on the present moment, my breath, the road, the fact that my life and my families' lives in the car depended on my full attention on the roa, and that I was safe and that what had happened was in the past. I made it home safely, but immediately upon laying in bed, the flashbacks came full force again and I didn't have the energy to fight them. I broke down.

Today, I can feel myself cycling into depression from the stress of all of it. I am trying to decide if I should call my T or to wait until my appointment late Tuesday afternoon. I don't know if I could honestly function properly until my appointment. She has told me on multiple occasions to contact her if I feel in crisis and I have promised her I would. But, now that I am in an actual case of crisis, I feel guilty and like I would be a burden contacting her on a Sunday, and on a holiday weekend none-the-less!

I am not sure I trust myself enough to practice self-love beyond doing what is necessary for my family. I just feel overwhelmed trying to process what happened to me.

 

[KrispyKreme]

I am so sorry that you are going through this now.

I think you can call your T, if she is not available she will not answer. So you do not have to worry about bothering her on a holiday weekend.

You are safe now - keep reminding yourself that.

Stay strong, you will pull through.

Holding your hand if okay.

Take care.
KK

 

[Road2Recovery]

Hi KK,

Thanks for your kind words and your gentleness towards me. I have pushed down my trauma surrounding my situation for over 15 years and I think the knowledge that we are about to finally start tackling it in therapy, as well as being triggered by unvoluntarily seeing a picture of my abuser the other day, is getting the best of me. I just feel like crying but right now I don't feel safe anywhere and just want to be in my T's office curled up on her couch! I just texted her so I guess I will have to just wait and see what happens. Maybe if I don't hear back from her before Tuesday, I can show her this.

 

[a3a2]

My t appreciates it when I call her when I need help. She says this shows I trust her, and for me that is serious progress. I also think waking up your bf might have been a good thing for you at the onset. My husband has learned to help me talk through some rough spots.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi Road2Recovery!

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now! I have termed what you're describing as an "emotional crisis"; one in which you aren't in any physical danger, but yet you feel so out of control that you don't know what to do! This scenario is all to familiar to me right now! I've been here since mid-July, with consecutive triggers every time I turn around, and it's anything but fun!

The point is that stuff happens, especially with PTSD, and we need extra support! If your T allows you to call her in times of extreme distress , then do it! You have nothing to lose, and you don't have to be strong and do it alone if you simply can't! I will admit, I don't like calling my T when I need help for fear of crossing boundaries when in reality, she's given permission countless times, and I'm the only one who is making them and concerned! My T actually gets upset when I tell her something and should have called! There are limits, yes, but she will (and your T) will make them known if needed!

I believe everyone has a different type of crisis that is unique to their situation, so maybe you and your T could discuss what constitutes one for you? That way, you can feel less guilty next time the situation/feelings occur. For now, just tell her you need to cry, so you need reassurance and support; nothing extravagant, just the truth!

I hope you are feeling a little better...be gentle with yourself! You don't have to do this alone; you are not alone!

~Holly

 

[Road2Recovery]

Hi all,

Thanks a3a2 and Holly. I really appreciate your kind words, encouragement and understanding. I contacted my T yesterday and after talking with her for a few minutes, she asked to meet me in her office. I think that was the best thing for me. It was really nice of her to take time out of her Sunday night to help me. I reassured me that it was safe to call her and that I was not a burden to her. My trust level with her just reached new heights.

We talked about my flashback and that it means that my mind is finally ready to start tackling this particular trauma. The thought of having to talk about it scares the living life out of me. She reminded me of some coping skills with immediate results and we did some grounding exercises. I was very close to dissociation when I walked into her office--I could feel myself slipping away--and I told her this. The exercises helped and although I don't feel 100 % better, I do feel like I can make it to our regular appointment on Tuesday without dissociating before then. And if I have any more flashbacks, I know how to better deal with them. I promise I will be gentle with myself.

 

[ButterflyBean]

How did your appointment go? How are you doing now? I am thinking of you and hope you're doing well! Let us know if you need anything; like your therapist, we are here to support you!

~Holly

 

[Road2Recovery]

Oh Holly! Thank you very much for your kindness and support. I apologize for not getting back on here sooner.

My appointment had to be rescheduled because my T was sick. I was a mess that Monday night prior to my originally scheduled appointment. I barely slept and when I did, it was filled with nightmares. I was terrified of having to talk about what happened to me. I was having anxiety attacks all night. But although I was so scared, I wanted it to finally be out. So, I was a little upset that I would have to hold on to everything for a few more days. By my appointment on Thursday, I must have had enough time process things on my own. I slept fine the night before and I didn't feel anxious.

I spent my session giving my T the basics of the situation. And we worked on identifying the negative and positive cognitions and set up my EMDR session. That occurred today.

I am doing much better for now and hope to stay this way for a while! Thank you for all your help.