Scars

[Casey_03]

I have some serious scars all over my forearm from previous self-harming. (It was years and years ago, i don't self-harm anymore). I have not yet had the courage to wear short sleeves, for fear of people asking me what the scars are from or reacting badly. But now I am wondering whether it would be a step forward to just have the balls to show them. Has anyone else with serious scars made that step? Did people react badly? Any feedback would be welcome. I'm tired of always having to wear long sleeves in warm weather.

 

[Weemie]

you could always lie about where the scars came from. i have scars from my abuse all over my arms from cigarettes as well as some self harm scars. first ones are circles and the other ones are jagged/messy. found out one year that i'm allergic to insect venom and i'm a picker so it made the same circular scars, so i just said it was severe allergies that i picked at and no one batted an eye.

 

[Ronin]

Casey, you're never obliged to answer - or at least not in words. There's a smile back, changing topics, acknowledging interest / care / whatever it is, but ultimately it's very your thing that doesn't obligate you to anything.

 

[Chava]

I have a ready-made lie (not elaborate at all...just like two words and then I manage a subject change). Or I have flippantly said, "I don't remember" before. Just leave them confused.

I'd love to be honest because I am in most cases. But I really see this kind of un-truth as sort of protecting the person who asks in some cases...say it's the checker at the gas station who sees me frequently. What sort of bizarrely uncomfortable situation do I put her in if I'm just paying for gas and she (being an idiot of sorts) would happen to ask...and I reply with, "Oh, I used to cut myself..." I'm NOT ashamed. But I don't believe it's fair to assume that the average person knows how to respond to that. I don't expect any response, but I have no idea what weirdness others go through when this sort of thing is disclosed.

I do tell those who feel like they are closer friends. But only if they ask. That's been about three people in my life.!!!

But really, people never ask. I think either they don't notice them or, once they do, they just sense on some level not to ask (because no, they don't really look like cat claw marks, they look like long knife marks). You could test it out in a safe environment....like where you know people very well, or don't know anyone (like a museum on a vacation, out of town....nobody would ask...but you could experience the vulnerability of wearing short sleeves and also feel if it feels really freeing or not for you). I wear short sleeves when it's hot and it's been okay...just all of the above. But I did have to put some thought into this initially. It's a good question.

 

[anonymous]

I have scars on my arms, the ones on my forearms aren't so noticeable, the ones on my upper arms more so, but I chose to stop hiding them from people several years ago, with some exceptions. I tend to be most cautious around children and family members. In my experience, people don't tend to ask. I notice some people looking sometimes but they don't generally say anything. Would you? - I think if they were new wounds it might be different, but old scars I think people usually have enough respect or manners to think it through.
The couple of occasions I had (younger) children ask they've been satisfied with 'fighting monsters' as an explanation and a change of subject. Teens I am more likely to cover up around. Adults should know well enough to mind their own business.

 

[Kefira]

Adults should know well enough to mind their own business.

Unfortunately they don't see to. If I'm not ashamed of something, I normally won't cover for it. I believe that if you're going to be ridiculously rude and ask a total stranger personal questions when you have no need of the answer you deserve whatever discomfort you are made to feel.

For me, this is in the same category as "What's wrong with you?" when I'm out with the service dog. And with that I typically respond with something along the lines of "Why would you think that's your business?" People are just curious and seem not to have any sense of boundaries or social etiquette sometimes.

I do find that even though YOU might be self conscious and focused in on the scars at first, most people tend not to notice and if they do notice most don't ask. Occasionally my friend (her scars are much more obvious than mine) has had issues with harassment but for the most part I think we're far more likely to think everyone's looking at them- for a lot of people it won't even register in casual interactions. And with friends or people you're around more you have a choice on how much to tell them.

 

[anonymous]

Unfortunately they don't see to

Some maybe, but the experiences shared here so far would suggest that a lot do...

But really, people never ask. I think either they don't notice them or, once they do, they just sense on some level not to ask

In my experience, people don't tend to ask. I notice some people looking sometimes but they don't generally say anything.

most people tend not to notice and if they do notice most don't ask

 

[joeylittle]

I wish I could get over myself and uncover them. For me, I need to maybe get to the first step of actually trying to break them down a little. I don't even think I deserve to try and make them be not-so-bad. Thanks for starting this thread, it's great to read other peoples' experience with this.

I also agree with Anonymous, in that I feel especially responsible for hiding them around my students (college-age). I've tried to get my head wrapped around the idea that it could be a helpful thing, something that could spark a conversation with someone in need - but then I remember that it's not my job to be the poster-child for bravery in mental health.

I dunno. I've had people see them peeking out from a sleeve and say "what happened?" I say "stove" or "cat scratch". But I don't know if this is because mine are really wide and the newer ones are still discolored?

 

[Casey_03]

Thanks everyone. I think I will wade in slowly and test it out in a few safer environments first. The scars are pretty obvious as knife wounds, it's pretty obvious that I slit my wrist. So I assume most people would not be stupid enough to ask, but you never know. My biggest concern is the work place -- I have always had the image of a very tough person and no one is aware of my struggles. I fear that if they became aware, maybe it'd be harder for me to stay strong. Just don't like the idea of co-workers seeing my scars, though I suppose I can continue to wear long sleeves at work and allow for short sleeves on days off.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Casey,

I'll tag onto the majority with this one. In my own experience, most people tend not to be very observant. There's an experiment which involves showing people a video of a sports match and in the middle of the video, a man in a gorilla suit runs accross the pitch, stops in the centre of the screen and waves to the camera, then carries on running. He's right in the middle of the screen, but something like half of the people who watch the video, do not notice the guy.

The late Terry Pratchett was right when he joked that the great percentage of the brain that no one knows the purpose of, is actually very busy, stopping people from noticing the things which would freak them out if they ever did notice them.

I'm a picker rather than a cutter, but I often have deep cuts visible on my hands and arms, that I get from a variety of external causes. I've currently got a big red one half way up the inside of my left fore arm, that looks like it could be SH, but isn't.

I think I've only been asked about cuts once, and I was able to honestly answer that I got them playing with an animal I'd adopted. The person who asked was a surgeon who was about to straighten my nose in the hope that I could breathe through it again. he never asked how my nose got broken and twisted...

It's an interesting challenge that you are posing for yourself. Please let us know how it goes, especially in the culture that you are living in. I don't know if it is still the case, but all of the former eastern bloc countries used to have hideously high suicide (completion) rates, and I would be surprised if that wasn't accompanied by an even higher frequency of other self harming behaviours.

now to see if I can leave my upper arms alone for long enough to wear very short sleeves this summer...