Searching For Balance

[Micah]

I have just recently broken up with my boyfriend. It happened for a few reasons, but not the least of which is the fact that I started to feel unable to talk to him about pstd. I felt really close to him and could tell him anything and so was getting ready to start working through things, but then I couldn't. I couldn't because he's a very sensitive man and when I would open up to him it would hurt him so much that he would end up needing me to comfort him. It just wasn't working. I feel like there must be a fine line somewhere between having someone who doesn't want to hear anything and just really doesn't care and having someone too sensitive to be able to be there for you. Anyway, I was just hoping someone might have some insight into how to balance this. I feel like I'm continually letting my past stop me from moving forward well.

 

[cragger65]

I hope you can stay friends at least... might be a good guy to talk to down the road? I've burned a few bridges, and regret it now horribly. Just don't want to see anyone else do the same.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Sometimes hearing about the trauma is very difficult for people. Perhaps work through the trauma with a therapist and discuss the symptoms and what they can do to help with your partner? When I talked with my therapist about where the balance should be that is what he suggested. He also suggested to take it slowly and do not start babbling about everything all at once. He said that people need time to process information especially when it is shocking. He also told me that I have a different outlook on what is traumatic and what is not because of my traumas.

Therapists have years of training to be able to listen to other people's traumas. It takes work to be able to listen to other people's pain without being effected. I have ran into this problem before and realized it was a matter of my own expectations being out of whack. It can be frustrating to not be able to discuss details with someone, but in all honesty how can I expect someone that cares about me to have an ability to detach from their own empathy enough to listen objectively to what is most likely something outside of their realm of experience without years of training? I know sometimes I have to stop and consider what my normal is and what the other person's normal is.

I'm pretty sure most people would turn green or get ill if I started going into too much detail about my traumas. I have ended up comforting a therapist (who was an ex police officer) after I overloaded him with details. How much is too much too soon? It seems to be a trial and error thing. It seems to be best taken slowly with an individual. Perhaps desensitizing is the balance? I honestly do not know.

Just my observations,
Tiger

 

[Nicolette]

Feeling you cannot talk to someone and being unable to are two different things. IMHO if you are in a relationship with someone and you 'feel' you cannot talk to them then something is not quite right and that itself can be enough, especially for women who tend to talk more than men, to end a relationship.

Being able to talk about PTSD is another entirely different thing. After being in a relationship with a PTSD Sufferer for over 3 years now I know I need to know when he is sick, I need him to tell me its not about me and I need him to help me understand how I can help him, There are times I need to leave him alone and times when he is in a hot sweat for days (hasn't happened for a good couple of years now thankfully) that I wipe him down with a cool facewasher. Dealing with someone who has PTSD can be like 'living on the edge' as you never know what to expect. That being said I agree with Tiger Kitten in that it is wrong of you to expect a partner to help you deal with your trauma. A partner needs to remain what they are for a relationship to continue so far as to be your friend, lover, offer support and kindness but to ask them to digest and then help you process what happened to you crosses that boundary and makes it something different. Of course there are snippets of things to share so your actions can be understood however, it's like dating, you don't blurt it out all at once and let them get to know the real you now first before any of the history gets dragged up.

Fortunate or unfortunate as it may be I have suffered a lot of trauma in my life and the biggest thing I had to overcome was realising that my partner was not the same person as those other men nor did he choose to be with me because he wanted to be my therapist....he fell in love with "Me" and that is what I hold on to.

I agree that you may be holding yourself from moving forward as the impression I get from reading what you wrote is you want a partner to support you through your trauma and help you heal. My advice, do as much of that now while you are single and find support between friends and therapist/self help groups or read. Whatever works for you. The only thing you should expect in a relationship is what you yourself are prepared to give. What you have said above suggests you want support but when someone else falls over you consider them weak. Take a moment to think about the saying that you attract what you think so perhaps you yourself need to improve your strength to attract a person who has the strength to, over time, know what they need to about your illness and your reactions but please don't burden them with your trauma if you want a relationship. It changes the dynamics if you do.

 

[ISupportHer]

So much I could say, I guess. I really feel that for a spouse, significant other, "carer" to be able to even start participating, they need tools to help themselves. It IS hard to hear that someone you love has experienced trauma. Horrors really. Unfortunately some partners can't or won't make the effort.

There is a real need, I feel, for a carer to not only understand what PTSD is but also be able to look at themselves to understand how THEY fit in, if that makes sense. There is a fine line of knowing what to say or what not to say without crossing into a feeling of walking on eggshells.

To have any chance, one has to make the effort to use resources like this site, the many books available and even therapy them self. This means carers too.

Frankly,there have been times early on in this struggle when my wife has comforted me. This is something I know I cannot allow to happen all the time so that I do not add to her stress. A relationship IS give and take, but I have to find my own way to see my part in this too.

This is hard, even 3 years down the road from the memories that led to the diagnosis. It will be a constant battle.
I know this does not give any answers to a sufferer for ways to find balance. Just expressing my feelings on this, I guess.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

Just further, Anthony, the owner of this site who is very educated with PTSD and self manages himself well, refuses to help me with the trauma I have experienced in my life as he says he is too close to deal with it. While sometimes that cheeses me off when he spends hours helping others I do get what he is saying. He does know about some of my specific incidences as he has learned about me over time in order for him to understand my reactions to some things but that is inline with learning what triggers a PTSD Sufferer. Other than that we go no further and Anthony pushes me out the door to see the best therapist I can find who specializes in my area of trauma.

To be honest, while I can identify with what Jim has said and I have had my meltdowns due to Anthony being sick with PTSD and all it entails (especially when someone is purposely making him ill), I have found it works best for me to release my emotion but not at that point in time but a little later when he is better. Not ideal but I try my best not to break down in front of him and go into another room. Yes it is more of a sacrifice for a Carer but there are other things Anthony does for me which offsets these times. He cannot emotionally support me for more than a few days if he is well so its not tit for tat in repayment but the love and caring I get most of the time is worth having to "suck it up" occasionally.

 

[Farine]

Hello Micah,
The end of a relationship is difficult in any circumstances. My thoughts are with you during this time. Hopefully some of the 'balance' you are seeking is to appreciate yourself as well. I think having PTSD is like running an invisible marathon or olympics. If we could see all the effort and sheer heart you put into your life on the outside, you might get a medal or a huge cash prize. You also have muscles in some unusual places. Just a thought for today....

 

[Marlene]

I read somewhere that you should have a therapist and you should have a lover...but they shouldn't be the same person. My husband knows what happened to me. Other than my therapist, he's the only person (other than here) that knows what happened. That said, he doesn't know the details, the nitty-gritty that I've had to get into with my therapist in order to heal. For both of us, it's enough that he knows, he loves and supports me and has learned to live with this PTSD monster with me. I sometimes think he deals with it better than I do. He accepts that this is part of who I am with much more grace than I do.

Seperating those parts of your life is necessary in order to live it. At least IMO.

Lisa

 

[ISupportHer]

I read somewhere that you should have a therapist and you should have a lover...but they shouldn't be the same person. My husband knows what happened to me. Other than my therapist, he's the only person (other than here) that knows what happened. That said, he doesn't know the details, the nitty-gritty that I've had to get into with my therapist in order to heal.

This is what I find so valuable here on the forum. You post and respond and read and learn but every once in a while, there is one simple statement that hits home and is meaningful for YOU. This hit home for me.

I think on some level I know this and I know I don't need to know every detail but it is a struggle, no doubt about it. I really don't press for details these days. I just need to remember the first sentence above!
Thanks,

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

Something occurred to me, although I may not be the best authority.

I find that with some healing, some details don't matter any more; ones you think you need at one time to talk about, really don't hold the same power.

So, perhaps sometimes even "knowing" details (other than triggers), is really not so important.
What is important is what you're feeling now, and that won't remain constant entirely, either. -To enjoy and cultivate the good/ safe/ happy moments (in the present).

 

[Micah]

thanks so much everyone. I love having people to talk to who understand. I am glad to have people point out that I need to separate a therapist and a boyfriend. I realize now that I was asking too much. There is no way to remedy it with my ex boyfriend, though we have agreed to stay in each other's lives, but I am going to work on this in my future relationships. What is life if it's not a chance to learn about ourselves and grow.