Secret Self Harm

[Overcoming]

This seems like a dumb question. Let me begin by saying that I realize that a solid marriage is based on certain virtues, such as honesty, and I value that. I have self harmed for years off and on. My husband is aware of my history, prior to our marriage, but doesn't know that it has continued. I'm concerned that talking about it will require me to stop and I'm not ready to do that, but I also want to be truthful. If you self harm, does your spouse or significant other know? How do you recommend approaching such a conversation? I am in therapy and on medication, and my T is aware of it. Thoughts?

 

[GrayOwl]

Anytime you introduce the concept of "dishonesty" into any relationship - marriage, therapy, S/O, kids, friends.......
and establishing beforehand that you have thought it out and think it's "OK", you are destroying the foundation that relationships are built upon, and breaching the trust with them - and with yourself.
How does one recover from establishing that premeditated "dishonesty" is part of your acceptable life?
It seems to me that there are far better options.

My concern is not so much your S/O or that relationship.
When you can justify lying to yourself to hide and cover up your most serious and potentially fatal flaws, you are making the decision to sever the helpline and lifeline that you may need some day to recover or survive. In my opinion, honesty is the cornerstone, the basic foundation, from upon which recovery and life are built on.

Other options???
Tell hubby you cannot or do not wish to discuss the subject with him right now.
That is always acceptable. We always have the right to personal privacy, even if it means we harm ourselves.
But lying on top of harming seems to me to be harming on top of harming, compounding the problem and placing ourselves further out there away from help.

You have the right to heal at your own pace. If hubby doesn't know about it yet and you are hoping to work on it, the intent is there. That is a big part of recovery. I hope I don't sound overly critical - this is a really good question. I just feel that personal honesty is soo important.
Omitting a few things until the right time, or not discussing difficult issues, no problem. We all do that.

Maybe find a confidant or close personal friend that can help you with this, kind of like a confession type thing?? Or maybe you can get some good answers here. There are a lot of experienced people here that can probably help.

I wouldn't feel guilty not telling him right away and I wouldn't rush to do so. Take time and work on it and yourself. You are important. It does matter. Take days or weeks and think and work on it. This is a big decision. Thank you for posting. This was a good topic. I hope things work out well for you.

 

[Overcoming]

@GrayOwl Thank you for your feedback. I don't feel as though you're being critical. Something I didn't mention was that I also don't want to freak him out, but I know that I'm not in control of other's responses or emotions. Honesty is important to me. I suppose I have kept justifying it by thinking that I'll work through it and then there'll be nothing to discuss, but I'd be troubled if he did something like that, and I realize it. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

 

[GrayOwl]

:)

I agree.

If he doesn't already know or suspect, I'll bet if you ever express yourself to him, he'd be very understanding.

Speaking from personal experience, I tend to think the worst and be fearful, when often I am the one who is creating all the roadblocks. I tend to make mountains out of molehills and then fret over little or nothing. And I have such a great supporter.

Sometimes I don't wish to stress my partner either, I very much understand that aspect too. Just take your time.

Sometimes my wife has chastised me for not letting her know and help with some of my issues. Part of my "isolating" I guess.
I'm a work in progress too I guess.