Seeing red flags everywhere

[PandaPower]

Hey y’all.
I’m a new member here. I have been struggling with my mental health since childhood, and was diagnosed as having ptsd a few months ago by a new therapist.
I have been reading the posts and discussions here and it’s uncanny how many of the struggles posted here are things I am also struggling with. I am glad I found this community.
Right now, in my relationship I am struggling with differentiating between red flags and things that can be worked on. Overall in my relationship I feel loved and happier than I was before but I would appreciate your opinions on which categories these following things fall under. I have been feeling like the relationship dynamic is me attempting to understand my partner and him not returning the favor. A small example is that we took a personality quiz together and while we both read through his results and discussed and analyzed them. He showed no interest in my results and kept trying to get me to pay attention to him while I was trying to read them. There are multiple small instances like this on a pretty regular basis. Other than that, when we are goofing off we sometimes play like kids do (tickling, play wrestling etc) . Mostly I tell him to stop and say no. He doesn’t stop. Eventually I give in and start having fun too. I am not sure how I feel about this and whether him not stopping when I tell him to is a red flag. Sometimes he similarly pushes for sex when I am tired or have been sick. I say no once, but if he continues pushing I give in because it is very difficult for me to say no. Most of these times when we start having sex I enjoy it and am glad it happened afterwards. Once when i was sick it made me feel worse. Another red flag I worry about is that I fall sick frequently and once when I was under the weather and trying to tell him he didn’t believe me. I thought I was just stressing and did not checked up until my therapist to, and it turned out I had a pretty bad viral infection. Other than that Illness, he has been supportive enough when I have been sick. I am not sure whether I am reading too much into these things. Would appreciate insight.
Thanks :)

 

[Freida]

I am not sure how I feel about this and whether him not stopping when I tell him to is a red flag. S

Sometimes he similarly pushes for sex when I am tired or have been sick. I say no once, but if he continues pushing I give in because it is very difficult for me to say no.

these are red flags. PTSD or no PTSD he is not listening to you and is demanding you comply. Does it matter that you enjoy it? Nope -- because bodies will respond when stimulated even if the brain isn't on board

The other red flag is you not being able to say no and walk away. That's a boundary thing -- how do you set one and how does he know it's a true boundary?

These are good conversations to have with your therapist because it is possibly tied up in your ptsd challenges.

 

[PandaPower]

Thanks for your reply Frieda :).
He doesn’t really demand verbally, it’s more like he will try seducing me or try again in a bit after I say I’m tired. Other times, he stops on his own and can’t continue if he thinks he’s done something that’s hurt me or if he thinks I’m not into something which makes me wonder if it is just that I’m not getting my point across or if it’s a true red flag.
That is a good point about the body responding too stimulation even if it’s something we don’t want. I hadn’t thought of that. I had dismissed my concerns because I thought I eventually do have fun.
The boundary setting is an issue. The only hard boundary I have set is that I will not engage with him if he is snapping at me. I was motivated to set that boundary but have felt too ambivalent about other things. I go back and forth thinking that he is amazing and that he is dangerous and doesn’t care about me.

 

[Justmehere]

The being stuck on himself and not really getting to know you is concerning. Is it a pervasive pattern? Or occasional?

Sometimes he similarly pushes for sex when I am tired or have been sick. I say no once, but if he continues pushing I give in because it is very difficult for me to say no. Most of these times when we start having sex I enjoy it and am glad it happened afterwards.

If you say something like “eh, I’m tired.” That’s not really a super duper clear no. It’s also not a yes. It’s not an enthusiastic consent - which is what he should be seeking before engaging.

it’s more like he will try seducing me or try again in a bit after I say I’m tired.

He’s trying to convince you and persuade you... and it works. You eventually give in, and it shows him “no” is a “maybe.” I’d try setting clearer boundaries and seeing how he responds. Like, “no and please don’t try to push it. I’ll walk away if you keep trying.”

It does seem consistent that he is focused on getting his desires met but is skipping over what you need. Try communicating what you need and want more clearly and directly, and see if he gets it.

Another thing to consider: How empathetic is he towards others?

Other times, he stops on his own and can’t continue if he thinks he’s done something that’s hurt me or if he thinks I’m not into something which makes me wonder if it is just that I’m not getting my point across or if it’s a true red flag.

That’s a good sign.

Might be worth having a point blank conversation on consent and boundaries and how to communicate to each other a clear no and a clear yes.

In the end, you have to decide what is ok with you and not ok with you. What is a deal breaker for the relationship and what isn’t one.

For me, issues with a quiz and being a little too self focused at times is a possible yellow flag... and issues around consent being a red flag that needs at least a conversation about it.

 

[Sideways]

He’s trying to convince you and persuade you... and it works.

This.

Communication is a complicated thing, and boundaries are only as good as our ability to be consistent in applying them.

If this was a situation where it was a guy you just met continued with sex after you said “No”? That’s rape.

But this isn’t a stranger, and you have both set a pattern where “No” means a whole range of different things, including “If you persist with seduction, we might both have enjoyable sex”. That’s confusing. I’m confused.

So, what does “No” mean? Not a trick question - what do you want it to mean? Because currently, with this guy, it has too many meanings (which is super common). So give it just one meaning.

If I was to say to someone at group therapy, “You are to blame, the female” - that’s a really sexist and inappropriate thing to say. Clearly, right?

Only, when I say that exact same thing to my sister? We both have a laugh, because it’s a reference back to a kid that used to bully me in primary school, and he’d say it to me all the time. So, for the established relationship I have with my sister, something that is seemingly a really bigoted thing to say? Has become a joke between us. Communication gets context when we establish relationships.

Communication is like that. And saying “No” is no different. We establish context over time in interpersonal relationships.

Have a conversation with him about it. Hit reset. Tell him “When I say No, I need you to stop”. You’re setting a nice clear boundary there. Then practice being consistent with it. We get better at that - we get more confident:)

But also have a think about the alternatives that @Justmehere suggested - instead of just “No”, elaborate. Tell him exactly where you’re at. And if what you’re saying is “No, stop, get the fk off me”? It’s totally okay to say that. If you’re saying “No, I feel sick”, you may end up getting a foot rub instead! If you say “No, I’m really not turned on right now”, you may end up getting a romantic dinner.

If you have the conversation, and you’re consistent with your boundaries, and he still ignores you? Then that’s not just a red flag: it’s grounds to pack your bags pronto, delete his number from your phone, and go stay with friends till you find a new place. Jerk.

Communication is a tricky, complicated bastard. It’s not a black/white situation with people that we know well.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks for your reply Frieda :).
He doesn’t really demand verbally, it’s more like he will try seducing me or try again in a bit after I say I’m tired. Other times, he stops on his own and can’t continue if he thinks he’s done something that’s hurt me or if he thinks I’m not into something which makes me wonder if it is just that I’m not getting my point across or if it’s a true red flag.
That is a good point about the body responding too stimulation even if it’s something we don’t want. I hadn’t thought of that. I had dismissed my concerns because I thought I eventually do have fun.
The boundary setting is an issue. The only hard boundary I have set is that I will not engage with him if he is snapping at me. I was motivated to set that boundary but have felt too ambivalent about other things. I go back and forth thinking that he is amazing and that he is dangerous and doesn’t care about me.

My past relationships have always studied me, known my vulnerabilities, and considered them at "the right time" to get what they wanted. "No" with sex, means no. No, I'm sick, means no-don't feel in the mood, got no energy for that, or it is not appealing idea at this time or today. Sick is sick and deserves kindness, respect, and caring on his part. Waiting till the right time-well when it is when you are more vulnerable and tired....that's a red flag-

I guess you kinda knew it was a red flag.....because you explained each instance, and your conclusion, so clearly. If you want to be sure, tell your partner your concerns about boundaries, consideration, respect and set some norms about your relationship....and the word "No." (I know the dictionary doesn't show No as having a synonym like -maybe, later, possibly, sortakinda, etc.) If he continues to ignore your No's, he's not deserving of your company.

 

[Friday]

Eventually I give in and start having fun too

I enjoy it and am glad it happened afterwards

I’d be a lot more concerned if you said ...
- I pretend to have fun to make him happy
- I go along with it, even though it’s not fun for me
- I hate this, but I feel obligated
- I don’t have any choice, he just keeps doing it, no matter how angry it makes me
- It makes me feel sick, and used, and he doesn’t care
- I feel wretched afterward
- I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible

Instead? You’re describing a negotiation, where he’s actually paying attention, and so are you. Far better than a quiz, because it’s real life.

He’s trying to convince you and persuade you... and it works.

Communication gets context when we establish relationships.

These 2 things. So. Very. Much.

You’re describing enjoying yourself, & having fun. Those are GOOD things.

That you’re being persuaded? Isn’t a bad thing by definition. It can be (persuaded to do something you regretted or felt badly about). Being persuaded to have some fun and enjoy yourself? Not inherently wrong, ya know?

It seems like the sticky wicket in all of this IS the word “no”. As if it’s an absolute, when inside of your relationship it’s come to mean “convince me” or “maybe”. THAT’S where my big concern is.

You might try for a safe word, instead of words you shout when you’re giggling on the floor enjoying yourself to the hilt. It’s a great trust builder to turn safe words into a game, tickle games are kind of perfect, because you can be laughing and saying no no no no NYET! (Or cucumber, San Fransisco, triskadeckaphobia, etc... but I personally pick safe words that mean “no” in other languages, or color warnings... Yellow, Orange, Red... so the person can more accurately judge where I’m at on my spectrum of comfy-ness.) They’re stop/go games where each person has to be 100% on board with freezing mid-motion when the other person plays their safe word. It’s actually good training on both sides of the line, keeps things fun, and still allows for negotiation during other times. <<< Just a thought. There are clearly a lot of different ways you could handle things, and most of them are good ones. I just like simplifying things by introducing new elements, rather than attempting to rewrite established ones.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the picture will become clearer once you set firm boundaries and abide by these boundaries.

 

[Gs172003]

I think the picture will become clearer once you set firm boundaries and abide by these boundaries.

Agreed. See how he acts when you follow through with no. Then you will have your answer.

 

[PandaPower]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies everyone . I worry that I was not doing a good enough job of protecting myself by staying in the relationship but also did not want to leave because for the first time since I can remember I am happy. Your replies helped me add some perspective and context to the situation. I will set this boundary around the no with my boyfriend and see how he reacts. We will be long distance for a while so I will not be able to see any behavior change but I can see how he responds to the conversation.
About the being stuck on his self and not asking me questions/listening to me it is not a constant. It comes and goes in phases. He’s better about it over text. I agree about this being a yellow not red flag. I really appreciate the support y’all :).

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies everyone . I worry that I was not doing a good enough job of protecting myself by staying in the relationship but also did not want to leave because for the first time since I can remember I am happy. Your replies helped me add some perspective and context to the situation. I will set this boundary around the no with my boyfriend and see how he reacts. We will be long distance for a while so I will not be able to see any behavior change but I can see how he responds to the conversation.
About the being stuck on his self and not asking me questions/listening to me it is not a constant. It comes and goes in phases. He’s better about it over text. I agree about this being a yellow not red flag. I really appreciate the support y’all :).

It's easy to be agreeable over text. Not so easy in practice. See what he's like in person. That's how you will really know.

 

[Ronin]

He’s better about it over text.

Can you talk about how you read each other face to face?

Since it seems working over text, so the communication issue may be somewhere else than him just walking over your no... but in how you read each other.