Relationship Seeking advice to improve my relationship

[Deanna]

This thread helped me, Survivor 2018. I wanted to thank-you for starting it and make you smile. I'm PTSD and my boyfriend is PTSD. We really care for each other and tried to go at it once when I was undiagnosed and he was not taking medication. That was a bad trip. So, now we are both on medication and we'll go at it one more time. I have moments when I get lost in my head but I still hear him in the background. I hope the same is for him. I think he identifies with me and when he is in his head, he can still hear me, which might be faint- but there...Maybe I dont know anything , but your story was encoraging but there wasn't any time in there. Being PTSD yourself, I think you might be going through the push-pull that so many of us go through. I did. My boyfriend did. We do have to try different actions and medications to get positive results and sometimes go through hell and till we are diagnosed correctly. Are you on any meds? Gosh.. I'm suprised we are still around each other because our actions were beyond bad. I think you're boyfriend might have also flipped out with the sudden status/ shift? It changed his surroundings and he felt like he had no footing with the bad trip on the meds. Can't take it personal. His PTSD is not about you.

 

[Survivor2018]

This thread helped me, Survivor 2018. I wanted to thank-you for starting it and make you smile. I'...

Thanks for the encouragement. My ptsd has been for 5 years since my cancer diagnosis but I have structure around it with my providers and meds that I have developed coping skills that are good for me so I can navigate it through the rough spots but for him this is all new. It's a culmanation for him of many underlying issues that he has not addressed through his life and his negative experiences with the military that have now resulted in much of his present state. He is working with the VA, who I met with today as well to see what is being done and what can be done in the mean time. I'm glad I went and spoke to the social worker there, the treatment the "therapist" wanted him to do which has been exacerbating much of the current situation is something they are going to review. It seems that the person he is working with is not a qualified mental health specialist but a prescriber and should not be talking to him this early on about trauma therapy or moving or anything that can stress him so they are going to review what is going on since some things happened over the weekend with this individual that are being brought into question regarding his treatment. At present, the emotional numbing is very sad. He is unable to express himself and feel happy at any given point outwardly, whereas before his personality a month ago and prior to everything was like spongebob squarepants. I am trying not to take it personally with his seeming disinterest in anything, it's just hard knowing how he was prior to all this even happening see him fade away. I got offered a job today doing something I don't necessarily enjoy but it pays more and I was happy about the offer, but he didn't say one word about it. That sucked. I know it's not me, I'm just sad because this has taken from me someone who was at one point my best friend and partner and now he is this emotionless robot who makes me feel like a beggar, picking up scraps of affection when I can just because I don't want to turn him away during the times he can feel and snap out of it.

 

[Survivor2018]

I also want to say thanks to everyone for the advice, support and perspective because dealing with this with someone I care about is entirely new to me. It's very hard. Being in a relationship was not some thing I pushed for and we were taking baby steps while making sure we maintained the friendship aspect which was the most important to me. I didn't want to be with anyone since the both of us had left relationships last year and been there for eachother with the highs and lows of that so I was really on the lets just be friends and pay the rent and what ever will be will be. But it's never that simple when you care about someone and seeing him struggle with himself like this is very heavy and sad. I'm sure once things settle down and he moves out and on things will be better in his life and on the personal for mine as well which is why I put the kabosh on anything romantic because he's not in a place to deal with that type of pressure because even a non relationship relationship has pressure. At this point, I'm just trying to be supportive and create a stable environment for my family in the meantime until he figures out what his next step is. In my perfect world he would snap out of this spell and be his old self again but I don't think he will ever be. This whole ordeal has stolen something away from him and I don't see him ever being like he was. Im trying to maintain a healthy distance, not let his inability to feel or empathize with me hurt me or his lack of emotion cause me grief. I'm just trying to exist around it so I don't aggravate myself or him. We don't fight or argue but the level of communication we had before is gone. I don't text or call unless I need him to pick something up from the store and I make sure he has what he needs and give him tons of space. I don't talk about any thing heavy or try to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. The social worker today I spoke to was very supportive and understanding and she is going to figure some things out this week to help get him with a good therapist who can help him navigate his feelings, help with his ptsd and with the shaking and see if they can get him to go to a support group so he doesn't isolate himself. It's going to take time. I'll always be his friend, I just don't think with how he is now and may be for a long time if not forever if there is anything in the relationship side for me. He is not able to see me, be happy for me, love me the way I need to be loved despite how much I do so I am not pursuing anything with him and I have no plans for a future in that regard. I'm just trying to be supportive of his decisions and help the best I can.

 

[Survivor2018]

I'm posting an update.
I'm done with it. I'm walking away and it's for the best. This person is no longer the man I knew and has allowed his diagnosis to define his existence and uses it as an excuse as to how he has been treating me. I know there is no reasoning with it and confronting it gets me no where so I'm just done. It's sad because he destroyed our friendship and a great living situation with his own barriers. There are no coping skills and his family is establishing his boundaries for him which is making the situation more strained. I am just counting down until the lease is up and I can remove him from my world completely. I'm at a point in which it didn't have to be this way but he has willed this situation into existence and ruined our friendship and relationship. I don't want to be around him and I am not putting any more energy into it. My best friend is gone and I accept it. This new person I don't want to be around and he is this negative black hole.
Despite my own ptsd I am doing well at my new job and I start the other job this weekend and I got an offer to be the art teacher for the children's week at the local school and I am really happy about it! I showed my work and they loved it and made me an offer! Of course he wasn't happy about it at all and I didn't let it kill my joy.
I don't think this man would know a good thing a good situation or a friend anymore. He is in the mindset of everyone is the enemy and I need to defend myself from everything. I am just going to treat this as if He isn't here at all. I am doing my boundaries and not focusing on him. I just needed to vent. I don't have anyone I can tell this stuff too because I don't want them to worry. He is so financially unstable and not being honest about it since it affects bills has become another stressor for me too. His brother texted me to not be his mother which is fine. But what do I say when we talk about bills that he doesn't have money for it guess I have to.cover it ? Like I'm the bad guy for paying the bills on time and for taking care of shit? There is no winning with this mindset . It's all f*cked up. I'm sorry for being emotional. My life has been a bumpy ride and it won't settle until December. But until then, I have laid out what is acceptable and what is not and that we are just roommates not friends. That is really hard because I cared about who was before but this new person has made it very easy for me to not give a f*ck. I had a funeral in my heart today for him. I had been writing a book last year a sitcom around our friendship because it was so quirky and me fun and I am changing it to outline what has happened. My working title before was "manifesto of a turtle" to "void in the shell" or "empty in between it all"something give me a place to write out my feelings and my outlet has always been writing and art. It's been helping.thanks to everyone in here for the support it has helped tremendously.keeo me lifted, I know we all are going through similar situations but it's hard.

 

[Snowflakes]

Thank you for sharing. I offer a gentle hug if appropriate and you accept. Take care of you.

 

[Freida]

You've made a very tough decision but it was the right one for you. And in the end that's what matters. I'm sad this is how it ended, but proud of the work you put into making this choice.

 

[Deanna]

This person is no longer the man I knew and has allowed his diagnosis to define his existence and uses it as an excuse as to how he has been treating me

Well then.. you are better off without him. No one makes this an excuse if I can't use PTSD for an excuse! Sheesh, I still have to pay taxes because I'm limited. ( oh, brother)

 

[Survivor2018]

Well it gets better,
Today just now actually he comes up to me and asks me if it's okay for him to go to visit his family out of state next week and acts like he totally forgot it was my birthday, of which he was aware and so was his family. I am just so done with this individual. It's hard not to be resentful and feel like I have been deceieved as to who this person really actually was and is and that maybe just maybe the things that exacerbated his condition were somewhat of his own making. I understand things being out of your control, but without going into detail, this person is not all there when it comes to handling anything, which the extent of was unknown to me until recently. So now I am stuck living with this person who is a stranger in every way to me. The good bit of news I got this week was the lease being up for him in 4 months vs 9 as originally thought so I have to tolerate him a little longer before it's over and I don't have to be around this insufferable person. Because he isn't handling it, he doesn't deal with it, he does nothing to improve the situation and blankets his action and inaction as a side effect of the diagnosis, which I believe has given him an excuse to act worse since it was given. He is the embodiment of everything that is negative about ptsd and everything everyone associates with it as negative. He is by far, one of the most intractable individuals, void of all emotion and proper decision making as well as a gross lack of regard for me and any empathy. Compounded with his severe lack of intelligence and social skills, he is literally a monster of his own making. It's difficult not to loathe this person. I am trying to avoid him as much as possible. Attempts to gain clarity and understanding from his family have been met with resistance and insult and it's literally no wonder why he is the way he is. This person, this suckhole of negativity is not going to achieve anything. I have tried so hard over the course of a year to be supportive, understanding, helpful and to what end? To receive no gratitude and have it thrown back in my face as insults and admonishment of my character. He appreciates nothing, feels nothing and needs everything handed to him. These are not condemnations for if you knew him as others and myself know, these are facts easily ascertained at this point within minutes of meeting him. Before all this, there was something there. Maybe a spark of some human decency and emotion and care. A semblence of someone having integrity and principles. Now, it has been extinguished and replaced with disregard and confusion . When this is all over i will have regretted knowing him, loving him and wasting my breath on someone who does nothing to help themselves and he will regret never having tried at all. Or maybe I'm just wistfully thinking, seeing as he has no feelings for anything outside of himself so he most likely wont even notice me not being there outside of the inconvenience of not having me there as a buffer to his impending doomed financial state. Whatever it may be, I know for a fact I will be fine on my own, I can manage my business and I don't need him a part of anything having to do with me.

 

[Survivor2018]

So after reading this thread over and seeing how I felt in the beginning vs now and the wonderful advice everyone has given me, I wish I had stopped trying sooner altogether. I wish I had just walked away and stopped giving two tenths of a crap about helping this person because you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped and doesn't appreciate you. It's an abusive pattern and whether they realize they are doing it or not due to ptsd or other factors, you are a valuable person who deserves to be appreciated, loved and respected. This diagnosis is not an excuse to treat someone badly, hurt them, treat them as if they don't matter and torture you emotionally, pushing you to the brink of personal and emotional extinction. You deserve better and to get better you have to walk away from worse. Who knows, maybe in time after the smoke clears and they see the fallout of their actions and the destruction the created they will feel something. But you shouldn't wait around for that to happen. You need to protect yourself and your spirit now. This person will drag you down and not see they are doing it or understand why and that is not an acceptable excuse when it comes to hurting others. If we go around life aimlessly firing our emotions at others without thought or care to how they feel, what kind of person does that make them? Is this someone you want to love? Have as a friend? Be around? And having a few shared moments doesn't wipe away the tragedy of many months, years or decades of neglect, abuse and disregard. It's just unacceptable completely and you absolutely deserve better then someone who is in no position to love you or be what you need when you try so hard to be what they need. I wasn't planning on making such an emotional post, I wasn't planning on saying any of this at all. But I have had many bad things happen to me in my life and I am at a point where I am done with bad things happening to me if I can make them stop and have the power too. I have to wait this out and I will be patient, but when this is over the cycle stops here and I am done allowing my need to be there for someone to supersede my judgement. Because this is a selfish world full of selfish individuals who would rather use me and others to fulfill their own needs and whether or not they realize it is on them. But when I realize it is when it ends. This person, whoever he was before is dead. Whoever he is now, is here to stay. But my heart is covered in diamonds surrounded by a river of fire and the only people on the inside are the ones meant to be there. I didn't want it to be this way, fought hard to stop it from being so. But I can't fight for someone when they won't fight for themselves. I have accepted the fact that he may never have really loved me, and used me as a way to mitigate the feelings he was having that were coming to the surface. That everything has been a sham, an elaborate ruse to survive because that is the only thing he understands. Thank you to everyone for all the advice and for listening to me vent. I tried I really did to make things better. But the best thing for myself is to let this person succumb to their own demons and face them alone. And that is absolutely what he deserves.

 

[Mytime]

One good thing, he won’t be around for your Birthday. You will be able to enjoy it. Do whatever you would like.
Happy Birthday :)

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you still want him in your life.

I mean earlier this week you wrote him
Off, said he was not a friend, and had a funeral for him in your heart.

Now you’re mad he forgot your birthday?

I don’t know about you, but most people don’t want non-friends whom they consider dead to be around for their birthday.

And I’m guessing your behavior matched this “death status” so again, if you’re being mean/not nice/etc to him, why do you expect him to be there to celebrate your birthday with you?

To me it just doesn’t seem fair to blame him for this particular behavior when your own actions most likely contributed to the outcome.

“You’re dead to me! Why aren’t you celebrating my birthday with me?”

See? Makes no sense. (And are you sure you’re not BPD? This push/pull I hate you/please love me behavior is typical in borderline, and different than the push/push/push behavior of PTSD.)

 

[Survivor2018]

It sounds like you still want him in your life.

I mean earlier this week you wrote him
Off, sai...

My feelings of confliction were due in large part to the push pull relationship that had been created by him and his needs/wants and yes I cared still care about the person he was and had hoped in my heart of hearts that maybe he would care about my birthday, that doesn't mean I don't see it for what it is anymore. The birthday thing hurt me because I still have a memory of who he was vs How he is now so that was were the emotion of irritation in that regard came from. Who wouldn't be somewhat hurt by that?

And diagnosing me with what you think may be wrong is not fair. I'm human and I have feelings. I'm not perfect and I was trying to deal with the situation in the best way I knew how, which may not have been the best way in the long run but it ended and is for the best.
Taking my space is not being mean. I haven't addressed anything about my feelings to this person outside of what has already been said and I just do my own thing.

But your diagnosis and judgement is very negative and unhelpful. I don't need a label, people have feelings and this situation in itself was confusing, hurtful and chaotic, hence the creation of this thread and my culmination of feelings. And your judgement as to my actions contributing to the situation is unfair. Without going into tremendous detail, I have done a great deal for this person beyond what most friends do, so is it so uncommon to be hurt in this type of situation? And to diminish it all by saying I have BPD is very inimical. Regardless, I vented in a place that is safe for me to vent with individuals who have more experience on the matter, received good advice, incorporated it and then decided to walk away because that is the best alternative. Why not be supportive of the individual instead of condemning that person for going through the motions of it all?