S
sally doe
Hi, I don't have PTSD but am considered to be at risk for it and therapy would be a good thing for me to be engaged in because of that. Therapy following traumatic events can help prevent PTSD.
Right now though, I don't have a therapist and am looking for one. In the meantime I have a nagging question about what I am going through and thought I would post it here.
I am befuddled by one of the ways I am dealing with what happened to me. I am grabbing absolutely tons of "downtime," way too much. Spending so much time in some kind of protective downtime, even then, I find I still cry out for some stimulation - my mind wants to be occupied while I sloth-out, to be doing something -- so I will play game after game of chess against my computer. This has been going on now for way, way too long. Months.
Time seems to fly by when I do this too, and is redefining my sense of what is productive, in other words, what I am capable of or competent to accomplish in, say, an hour.
To make matters worse, I am underemployed right now, affording me time for this behavior.
Luckily, I have been getting freelance gigs from time to time and am as good as I have ever been performing on a high level. When that happens it is almost like "Phew, thank god"
Having work has been really important to me because my behavior over time has caused me to worry at times that I am no longer capable of performing.
I have noticed that I feel a very strong, very intense aversion for stress since the events that happened to me. I am majorly stress-sensitive now, and that when working for money, on the job, I prefer to control my work in order to manage stress.
However, thankfully and surprisingly, when I don't have that luxury, and am working under heavy stress, I hold up well -- go figure.
At first I thought the chess games, being repetitious showed that I was developing an addiction. After all, while grabbing all this downtime, if I needed some stimulation I could read a book, right?
I think instead it is that I need some stimulation but not challenging stimulation, something half mindless.
I ask myself sometimes, about all this downtime, what the heck are you doing? And I answer that with this: I am licking my wounds. I am hiding out. I am gathering my energies slowly for some activity. It's like procrastinating but with a twist. It has this anxiety component, this self-protection component that is not a part of simple procrastinating.
After answering that question, I then ask myself this: What then can you be doing instead? How can you provide yourself the protection you are seeking without sitting there in some kind of daze, playing endless games of chess, while most of your brain is processing, processing, trying to gather together for your next move in life, or next move in the house -- like cleaning it! Or in the world -- like running your darn errands!
I don't have an answer to that question! How can I do what my body and soul is obviously trying to do with this behavior, only better? Successfully? In a way that actually does heal and protect me?
Sorry this post is so long.
Anyway, this is not just here or there, now and then, this is how I am starting to spend so much of my time, so that if you lived with me (I live alone) you'd be saying -- 'you know, I am really worried about you. This is too much'
Right now though, I don't have a therapist and am looking for one. In the meantime I have a nagging question about what I am going through and thought I would post it here.
I am befuddled by one of the ways I am dealing with what happened to me. I am grabbing absolutely tons of "downtime," way too much. Spending so much time in some kind of protective downtime, even then, I find I still cry out for some stimulation - my mind wants to be occupied while I sloth-out, to be doing something -- so I will play game after game of chess against my computer. This has been going on now for way, way too long. Months.
Time seems to fly by when I do this too, and is redefining my sense of what is productive, in other words, what I am capable of or competent to accomplish in, say, an hour.
To make matters worse, I am underemployed right now, affording me time for this behavior.
Luckily, I have been getting freelance gigs from time to time and am as good as I have ever been performing on a high level. When that happens it is almost like "Phew, thank god"
Having work has been really important to me because my behavior over time has caused me to worry at times that I am no longer capable of performing.
I have noticed that I feel a very strong, very intense aversion for stress since the events that happened to me. I am majorly stress-sensitive now, and that when working for money, on the job, I prefer to control my work in order to manage stress.
However, thankfully and surprisingly, when I don't have that luxury, and am working under heavy stress, I hold up well -- go figure.
At first I thought the chess games, being repetitious showed that I was developing an addiction. After all, while grabbing all this downtime, if I needed some stimulation I could read a book, right?
I think instead it is that I need some stimulation but not challenging stimulation, something half mindless.
I ask myself sometimes, about all this downtime, what the heck are you doing? And I answer that with this: I am licking my wounds. I am hiding out. I am gathering my energies slowly for some activity. It's like procrastinating but with a twist. It has this anxiety component, this self-protection component that is not a part of simple procrastinating.
After answering that question, I then ask myself this: What then can you be doing instead? How can you provide yourself the protection you are seeking without sitting there in some kind of daze, playing endless games of chess, while most of your brain is processing, processing, trying to gather together for your next move in life, or next move in the house -- like cleaning it! Or in the world -- like running your darn errands!
I don't have an answer to that question! How can I do what my body and soul is obviously trying to do with this behavior, only better? Successfully? In a way that actually does heal and protect me?
Sorry this post is so long.
Anyway, this is not just here or there, now and then, this is how I am starting to spend so much of my time, so that if you lived with me (I live alone) you'd be saying -- 'you know, I am really worried about you. This is too much'
