Supporter Seeking Understanding...

[Tia]

I'm hopeful the myptsd group will be my finding a community of comraderie that doesn't exist in regular day-to-day life... its a LONG intro that is completely based in having no one in my sphere that connects with our situation...

I am 26 years married and for the last 5.5 years, my husband (age 52) has been in the aftermath of a mental health breakdown (that was finally 2 years ago diagnosed to be CPTSD that surfaced when he encountered his mom's domestic abuser in 2020, but rooted in his own unprocessed childhood sexual & physical abuse). Depression, fear, anxiety, verbal outbursts, gaslighting, and avoidance were the moments that soon became an unexpected constancy . Walking on eggshells doesn't begin to describe the homelife our teen/young adult daughters & myself have lived thru. Yet, the moments in between the triggered ones, were how all 4 of us (including him) continued on in the pursuit of healing.

Our family dilemma this fall 2025 - my husband left home 5 weeks ago and has gone no contact.

His leaving was actually 10 months after he started EMDR and his clinic-assigned therapist had him reliving his childhood traumas 2 hours per week for 6 months, and then dropping him to 1 hour per month, and a few months back moved to 1 hour per month.

In these months, he has been in complete "flight" mode escaping to his world of chosen athletics (volleyball). So much so, that he has abruptly decided that this new community of people is the only place he can be himself. So he left our home to pursue peace by being amongst them completely.

We are retired (progressive) pastors. Until starting EMDR, my husband had been tipsy one time in our marriage. Since January, he began drinking heavily, cursing vulgarly, and partying regularly with the younger 25-35 year old volleyball group. All these recent months, I've believed it was just a reaction to his treatment and he would return to his former stable self as he kept going thru his healing pursuit.

Now though, I'm completely lost in grief and uncertainty. (And our girls have expressed they are devastated & angry at what they've endured these recent years while he's been recovering, only for him now to abandon his family.)

So, I open up in vulnerability to strangers in the hopes that by doing so it will be another piece of my truth puzzle - one that I'm building not just about CPTSD, but 100% about myself, with my own therapist, and that I'm hopefully imparting with wisdom in strengthening our girls as they pursue healing of their daddy-wound.

THANKS for reading and look forward to connecting.. Tia

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum

 

[In the weeds]

Welcome Tia!
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I believe you'll find a wonderful community here.

 

[Tia]

Welcome to the forum

Thank you... I'm already so very grateful to have found it!

Welcome Tia!
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I believe you'll find a wonderful community here.

Thank You! You are so kind

 

[arfie]

hello tia. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

So, I open up in vulnerability to strangers in the hopes that by doing so it will be another piece of my truth puzzle

in my long, hard recovery from child sex trafficking, peer support has been the most consistent source of support and insights in sorting my own "truth puzzle." i started my recovery with trauma induced amnesia and have often felt like my own puzzle was actually an unknown number of puzzles dumped into a single box with no pictures to help with the sorting. the parade of pros aiding in my recovery have been helpful, but it has been my peer supporters who have helped my put that helpful information to work in my daily life. the pros never leave the library.

over the decades of leaning heavily on peer support in my recovery, opening up in vulnerability has been far easier to family, friends and associates. those strangers have come to feel like lifesavers i can count on to hold me while i cry over the grief, injustices and injuries. personally, i maintain a network of peer supporters to increase my perspective and finding someone who is available in an hour of need.

i hope you find a cornerstone of such a network here. may the healing mysteries guide you.

welcome aboard.

 

[Tia]

those strangers have come to feel like lifesavers i can count on to hold me while i cry over the grief, injustices and injuries.

Tears are streaming.

Here I am a supporter and you a sufferer. Yet you have spoken in just one sentence the exact cry of my heart. Thank you for engaging my post and sharing your voice! I am honored & blessed...

 

[Sadie]

I'm hopeful the myptsd group will be my finding a community of comraderie that doesn't exist in regular day-to-day life... its a LONG intro that is completely based in having no one in my sphere that connects with our situation...

I am 26 years married and for the last 5.5 years, my husband (age 52) has been in the aftermath of a mental health breakdown (that was finally 2 years ago diagnosed to be CPTSD that surfaced when he encountered his mom's domestic abuser in 2020, but rooted in his own unprocessed childhood sexual & physical abuse). Depression, fear, anxiety, verbal outbursts, gaslighting, and avoidance were the moments that soon became an unexpected constancy . Walking on eggshells doesn't begin to describe the homelife our teen/young adult daughters & myself have lived thru. Yet, the moments in between the triggered ones, were how all 4 of us (including him) continued on in the pursuit of healing.

Our family dilemma this fall 2025 - my husband left home 5 weeks ago and has gone no contact.

His leaving was actually 10 months after he started EMDR and his clinic-assigned therapist had him reliving his childhood traumas 2 hours per week for 6 months, and then dropping him to 1 hour per month, and a few months back moved to 1 hour per month.

In these months, he has been in complete "flight" mode escaping to his world of chosen athletics (volleyball). So much so, that he has abruptly decided that this new community of people is the only place he can be himself. So he left our home to pursue peace by being amongst them completely.

We are retired (progressive) pastors. Until starting EMDR, my husband had been tipsy one time in our marriage. Since January, he began drinking heavily, cursing vulgarly, and partying regularly with the younger 25-35 year old volleyball group. All these recent months, I've believed it was just a reaction to his treatment and he would return to his former stable self as he kept going thru his healing pursuit.

Now though, I'm completely lost in grief and uncertainty. (And our girls have expressed they are devastated & angry at what they've endured these recent years while he's been recovering, only for him now to abandon his family.)

So, I open up in vulnerability to strangers in the hopes that by doing so it will be another piece of my truth puzzle - one that I'm building not just about CPTSD, but 100% about myself, with my own therapist, and that I'm hopefully imparting with wisdom in strengthening our girls as they pursue healing of their daddy-wound.

THANKS for reading and look forward to connecting.. Tia

Hi Tia,
I am new here as well. Your story sounds a lot like mine. My husband and I have been together for 30 years. We were best friends and he was the nicest guy you could ever meet. Now I know that he was a serious fawner. Last August, he changed. Took him 6 months to tell me about his childhood trauma. I was left in limbo wondering why he was disappearing from early morning to late at night. He had never done this before. He started EMDR a few months back, without telling me. Three weeks ago today he told me he lost the spark for me and had to leave for 2 weeks to sort himself out. He is still not back today. My young adult kids still live at home with me. I have been left with all of the responsibility of the home etc...and he gets to just walk away. Only a month ago he was telling me how afraid of losing me he was. Now, no spark???? I understand how awful your suffering is. I feel the same. Im not sure how long I can be strong. I wonder if he is ever coming back and I wish there was an in person support group for partners like us. We love our husbands and want them to come home . We desperately need some peace.

 

[arfie]

Here I am a supporter and you a sufferer.

all that peer support has put me on both sides of the ptsd help desk. for my psycho nickel, the suffer side is the easier side of the proverbial help desk. ptsd is even less logical on the outside than it is on the inside and the sufferers get all the good drugs to help them cope. in my own case, learning how hard it is to offer help was a huge part of my healing. healing really is an inside job.

i opine that one needs help in order to be helpful to a ptsd sufferer.

 

[Friday]

And our girls have expressed they are devastated & angry at what they've endured these recent years while he's been recovering, only for him now to abandon his family.)

I’m flabbergasted someone you claim to have loved for over 25 years has been gone a mere month, and you’ve instilled such violent pain/anguish/vitriole/hatred upon your children they feel ABANDONED???

And you’re a PASTOR?!?

Do you council teenagers whose texts aren’t answered within 5-10 seconds to completely cut all contact, and to rape & set on fire, anyone who doesn’t respond with 30 seconds???

5 weeks.

And you’ve forced sooooooo much pain and rage and violent emotion on your girls they’re devastated.

The f*ck is wrong with you???

…okay, the answer to my question is half obvious; your husband of 25 years had a hard year…

So you’ve lashed out at your kids, compounding their own hurt & confusion with his hard year, with your own. Violently making them your whipping post, for your hurt, in response to his hurt.

A completely SHITE thing to do to your kids, as well as a poisonous betrayal of your spouse, and to yourself… beating up vulnerable innocents to make yourself feel better.

Step one? STOP hurting your kids to make yourself feel better.

Do you have any comprehension how many HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of parents make their children feel loved, special, adored… whilst their spouses are gone for MONTHS & YEARS???

Yet you’ve shoved all your anger and pain on your kids, made them HURT, because you’re hurt.

That. Is. Not. Okay.

Sigh. And, no. I’m not unsympathetic, or don’t understand. I do.

Someone you’ve relied upon for 25 years, has gone pear shaped.

And in your own pain/rage/confusion/heartbreak? You’ve hurt the people you love most, who depend upon you. Rather than protecting them? You’ve inflicted even more pain upon them.

Which is why I’m telling you… STOP THAT.

 

[Tia]

I’m flabbergasted someone you claim to have loved for over 25 years has been gone a mere month, and you’ve instilled such violent pain/anguish/vitriole/hatred upon your children they feel ABANDONED???

And you’re a PASTOR?!?

Do you council teenagers whose texts aren’t answered within 5-10 seconds to completely cut all contact, and to rape & set on fire, anyone who doesn’t respond with 30 seconds???

5 weeks.

And you’ve forced sooooooo much pain and rage and violent emotion on your girls they’re devastated.

The f*ck is wrong with you???

…okay, the answer to my question is half obvious; your husband of 25 years had a hard year…

So you’ve lashed out at your kids, compounding their own hurt & confusion with his hard year, with your own. Violently making them your whipping post, for your hurt, in response to his hurt.

A completely SHITE thing to do to your kids, as well as a poisonous betrayal of your spouse, and to yourself… beating up vulnerable innocents to make yourself feel better.

Step one? STOP hurting your kids to make yourself feel better.

Do you have any comprehension how many HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of parents make their children feel loved, special, adored… whilst their spouses are gone for MONTHS & YEARS???

Yet you’ve shoved all your anger and pain on your kids, made them HURT, because you’re hurt.

That. Is. Not. Okay.

Sigh. And, no. I’m not unsympathetic, or don’t understand. I do.

Someone you’ve relied upon for 25 years, has gone pear shaped.

And in your own pain/rage/confusion/heartbreak? You’ve hurt the people you love most, who depend upon you. Rather than protecting them? You’ve inflicted even more pain upon them.

Which is why I’m telling you… STOP THAT.

I'm sorry.. I don't at all understand your vitriol toward me. I introduced myself by sharing my story. And at no point did I indicate that I have inflicted anything upon our young adult children.

I merely shared that they too have been exposed to and directly traumatized by their father's actions toward them over these years.

Maybe my writing was unclear because I'm definitely not sure why your response was so personally attacking. But the brokenness in our entire family has sadly come as a byproduct of my husband's struggles with his CPTSD over the last 5.5 YEARS. My girls and I are all grieving...

I hope that whatever misunderstanding transpired in my post can be cleared up for you - because I was just beginning to find comfort in learning more about what our family is facing thru the various topics. And maybe I've joined the wrong forum after all...

 

[Tia]

all that peer support has put me on both sides of the ptsd help desk. for my psycho nickel, the suffer side is the easier side of the proverbial help desk. ptsd is even less logical on the outside than it is on the inside and the sufferers get all the good drugs to help them cope. in my own case, learning how hard it is to offer help was a huge part of my healing. healing really is an inside job.

i opine that one needs help in order to be helpful to a ptsd sufferer.

@arfie this was such a balm to read.. thank you! But after @Friday reply, I'm definitely not sure I've joined the right forum. Hopefully my experience will ultimately turn out to be the same as yours...

 

[Friday]

I'm sorry.. I don't at all understand your vitriol toward me.

Zero vitriol.

You’re a pastor?

How would you counsel your parishioners to protect their children?

It’s only about a 1000% different counselling vs living, so I know it’s a record screech / mind f*ck.

Serious, though. Should the military spouse despair to their children how abandoned they are during a normal deployment? The spouse of a cancer patient tell their children how much their mom loves cigarettes more than them, and that’s why they’re dying, because they hate their kids? A stay at home parent with a broken arm is laaaaaazy for asking for help with dishes?

In a TWO parent partnership… if your kids are bereft… because ONE parent is suffering? It’s. Because. The. Other. Parent. is lashing out all their stress/pain/fear/rage/hiry/heartbreak AT their kids. Instead of comforting & relieving & empowering them.

Which is normal. As pain & hatred & vileness consumes everything in its path… but strength takes purpose of mind. Which you’d know. As a pastor. And would -hopefully- counsel against lashing out. And instead? Counsel the opposite. And Imbue strength.

our girls have expressed they are devastated & angry at what they've endured these recent years while he's been recovering, only for him now to abandon his family

… your children feel devastated and angry and abandoned.

If tables were turned, and you were ill, would your children feel devastated, angry, & abandoned by YOU? Instead of empathetic, understanding, careful to not blame themselves / take it personally?

Don’t get me wrong, I married VERY BADLY. My own ex would throw me under the bus (she’s a terrible mother who hates you, clearly, you worthless piece of shit!) if I had a cold, much less anything more serious. I was late to pickup from school twice in 15 years, neither more than 10 minutes, and each was used as examples of how UNIMPORTANT & DESPISED & LOATHED our kids were. Um. Twice. In 15 years. Twice in a WEEK gets absorbed in smiles by supportive parents. But? I married badly. So he used both examples to HURT our kids. Rather than comfort, relive, or inspire.

Your husband? Is. f*cked. Up.

In a two parent household? How much your kids FEEL that, and blame themselves, and lose their -everything- is down to you.


Fair? Pfft. Of course not.

They’re still YOUR kids.

Either you protect them, and build them up; or use them, to make yourself feel better.

MOST BASICALLY:

You’ve got a crazy parent & a sane parent… WHO is responsible for your kids’ wellbeing?

No.

It’s not fair.

It is, however. Real.