Self-compassion- What Does It Look Like?

[jaccat]

I am struggling to understand what self-compassion is, without turning it into a bad thing.

So, last night I had a recollection of something that was pretty much my day to day life as a child. Several hours after that I realised that the momemnt of recollection was was the one at which my therapist would have told me to have compassion for my child self. Only I have no idea what that is, or what it should look like.

I can admit I had a hard childhood. I can say I experienced severe neglect, witnessed violence on a daily basis, and became the responsible adult at an age when most of my peers were still learning to read. I get that it was not normal by a long stretch, but I cannot give myself any slack for having lived it.

It's not my therapist's fault. We've talked about it plenty. But any talk about compassion, pride, self-worth, brings out an almost violent resistance in me. I don't want to feel proud for surviving, I don't want to admit that it wasn't fair. And usually, moments after those conversations my head wipes all memory of them.

I can be nice to myself now. I've learned to treat myself, sometimes even to go easy on myself. But I cannot apply any of that to who I was then.

If it was some other child, I'd have no problem.

I guess what I'm looking for is ideas how to start. If you've managed it, how did you? What little things set it off? What do you say to yourself in those moments? Not necessarily the really big, meaningful things, but tiny things, just to start.

 

[Tinyflame]

Possibly, look- really look- and listen, to children now that age, and imagine yourself that size, thoughts, living every day. Don't reason it away, just 'see". Recognize their inherent limitations/ reality.

1000 likes, btw, I understand.

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[PDH]

I still feel a bit strange that I did/do this, but it seems to help me.

I set up an email address, and I write to "her". Along the way its helped me to remember some of the good times of my childhood. It reminds me that my child self was actually pretty amazing, and its helped me connect with that part of myself while showing love and compassion.

 

[Rani G2]

I set up an email address, and I write to "her". Along the way its helped me to remember some of the good times of my childhood.

This is quite helpful.

 

[jaccat]

I do write to her sometimes. Only it's almost as if she doesn't believe me. My child self doesn't trust adult me at all.

I write a lot- stories and things. I can write a version of my story as if it was happening to someone else and feel the injustice of it, but as soon as she becomes I that stops. Because I don't count. I get that I have massive isses with self-worth.

I think a lot of the trouble is recognising that I did have the same value as every other child.

 

[Suzetig]

I really struggle with this too. One thing that helped was seeing a child who is close to me at that same age I was when a particular trauma happened. It's something I was blamed for by others and something I give myself a very hard time for but truly seeing a child at that age and imagining how she would cope with the things I had to cope with shifted something in me. I still really waver but can bring myself back to the place where I see how unreasonable it was to expect myself to cope.

Self compassion for me means stopping that thought process that is harsh and blaming, treating myself as I would another child in the sane situation regardless of whether I feel kindly towards myself. It's hard going sometimes because I still want to beat myself up, but now I stop myself.

 

[Bloomy]

I so reckognice what you write. For me its like if I never expereinced compassion towards me - someone that care then how in the whole wide world should I know what the heck the whole ordeal is about?
Learning by experience - and my expereince as with you is neglect and violence. No wonder that this is your response instead of compassion.

What I am trying to do is atleast to be self compassionate in the sense that I wont treat my elf as bad as I did atleast. Small things as you say. Insteasd of throwing a fist Ill take a shower, go for a walk or run rearrange my thoughts somehow such things. Pay bills, take care of house, make sure I get enough healthy food, do forestal walks. I dont know really. A said I never learned it either and Im also trying to find out what self compassion is all about.

Sorry I wasnt to more use on this thread. Look forward to more answers here.

All the best ad blessings

 

[Changing4Best]

Maybe try to do some of the things that a child that age would have done, if things had been different for you. Like swing on a swing, or do some coloring in a children's coloring book. Have an ice cream cone. Or a popsicle. Do something you always wanted to do as a child, but never had the chance to do. Visit the school where you were too, if things were good for you there and you would feel safe there. I did that last, and it was an amazing experience. Everything was quite different from how I remembered it!

 

[The Albatross]

@jaccat said, "But I cannot apply any of that to who I was then.

If it was some other child, I'd have no problem."

But - It was another child. Perceptually, the child your adult mind "remembers" is not a very accurate version of the child you actually were. It has been colored and skewed by the limits of the human mind and the ability to retrieve 100% accurately and to ditch the limitations of only having available now what your child perceptions were at that time.

If you think of mirrors ... mirrors now, mirrors in the medieval age... the bronze age... fun house mirrors, and even the reflections in water, glass .... the image that you see and think of as YOU, it depends on the quality and capability of the mirror doesn't it?

To begin to crack the lid on self compassion, I had to be willing to accept that the child perceptions and images that I was accepting as true about myself were distorted by emotion and the inability of my brain to retrieve my interpretations of my childhood infallibly. Once I accepted that it was irrational to hold myself to the idea that I could see myself as a child clearly/acurately enough to assess (which is actually impossible), it became what I call and "unknowable" and then I was able to extend to that child/to myself the same benefit of a doubt I could extend to another.

Messed up explanation but a bit torqued off by another topic... but tried to assist, best I can do this morning.

 

[Naoru]

@The Albatross has conveyed exactly what my own therapist explained to me. As such, the exercise has been to watch other children and not just put myself in their shoes, but to realize that I was once just like them - without the reasoning / rationality and abilities of the adult I am now. "We" are different.

My feelings (and actions) then were valid. There is a reason those negative thoughts and feelings began and persist today.

So in those moments you are asking about, I started by simply telling myself a phrase along the lines of: "It will be okay. You are okay." Simple, but stops the self-hatred, and is something young me would have understood and have wanted to hear ... and I go on from there.

Perhaps ask yourself, what was it you may have wanted said to you then? Start small. Could be a place to start and expand upon.

 

[The Albatross]

@jaccat - Re: writing to your inner child you said, "My child self doesn't trust adult me at all." Your adult self Jaccat? How much do you TRUST your adult self? That strikes me as an observation about a real genuine core issue that can be worked on at adult level. How does a child trust? By time, consistency, and how does a child learn? By EXAMPLE - it is modeled for them eh?

That's why my own inner child... who for years just stood there screaming bloody murder... had to first tolerate, then trust (but I didn't get it before I was consistently able to give trust in my adult life), then re-parent myself with my adult/rational/wise mind to bring myself up into a semblance of maturity where I was stunted or had no coping skills/tools.

Off topic, but wanted to throw it out there.

 

[Deadman]

I don't want to feel proud for surviving, I don't want to admit that it wasn't fair.

Why? What would it mean if you did?