Self-doubt - Can You Get Flashbacks Without Ptsd?

[Hashi]

the endless stream of nightmares last night. I had tried to tell my mind to let it out...

@macca, the experience I had was very early on and as a result of it I did several things from that point onwards:

a) Completely switching my focus from wanting to know, to working on being stronger and more resilient so that I could know. I understood that it was only when I went up a level in terms of strength and skills that I'd be given the next memory/awareness. I was already doing a lot on grounding, safety and psychic protection. I added work on coping and containment for processing what I already knew or suspected.

b) Trusting that my subconscious knew what it was doing and not trying to interfere with that. (Apart from flashbacks, nightmares and hallucinations, which I see as coming from damage and not from wisdom or healing.)

c) Communicating with my subconscious so that it would give me memories in ways that - although they might be difficult and upsetting - weren't terrifying or retraumatising. For me that meant things like body memories rather than flashbacks, gentle re-enactment in dreams rather than nightmares, and no hallucinations. My part of the deal was to always pay attention to and process the things that were communicated more gently.

I try to concentrate on the things that have happened that I can remember, like the emotional abuse stuff, but it keeps going back to the other stuff I cannot verify.

I can't help wondering if this is the key. I had to process disconnected fragments at first, and things I didn't even believe. I don't know what that looks like in the kind of therapy you're having. I would imagine it's a mess in any kind of therapy, but I think then you accept that and process the mess. Trusting my subconscious to know what it was doing helped me with this a lot.

 

[macca]

@Hashi You are so very wise. This sounds like what I must do. I will work on it. I am also keeping a dream diary until I see my T again in a few weeks time. Safety sounds like something I must work more on as well, as I realised in the EMDR session that I had a lot of trouble establishing a safe place - nothing feels really safe. But I guess that's a common theme for most of us!

 

[scout86]

macca, when you start to wonder if you're making something up, maybe go back and read what you wrote just now, and read it like someone else wrote it. Then ask yourself if it would even be possible to make these things up. I can't imagine it being possible. And, I wouldn't call you a "drama queen" either.

 

[macca]

scout - thank you. That is good advice - I will do that, as it will almost certainly happen again! Even though I'm coming down now from the heights of my self-doubt, thanks to everyone here and unfortunately to my recurring nightmares, it is still a relief to have you say to me that I am not a drama queen. It is often a big fear of mine.

 

[scout86]

macca, there's a bunch of stuff that I "know" but it really helps to hear it from someone else, so I totally get what you mean! Glad you're on your way back from there, 'cause it's not a fun place to be! :)

 

[Pencil]

I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused, all by different people. It was the emotional abuse that caused the most damage BY FAR.

Yes, yes, Yes. Thank you.

 

[Hope4Now]

when it comes down to it, I don't know if I'll be able to get past the wall my brain has built. I hate feeling stuck in limbo like this, not being able to say - such and such happened, and that's why I have PTSD - even to myself. It makes me doubt, and then I end up being harsh with myself for being so stupid.

Macca, thank you so much for sharing so much of your story here, and for guiding me to this thread from the one I posted about dreams. This thread is enormously helpful. I am struggling with a lot of similar issues. I have lots of pretty clear memories of total family dysfunction and denial and gaslighting and you name it. Most of these memories aren't so new, but little bits and pieces are emerging and starting to fill in a picture outline I already mostly had.

I know/sense/intuit, though, there is something much bigger than all that because of all the physical stuff happening to me that is getting more intense every day but doesn't connect to much emotion (well, fear and dread maybe) or memories at all. And I too have memories of thinking about sexual things at age 4 and even drawing a picture that made my mother very angry and she tore it out of my hands and tore it up (caused some real trouble for me as an adult artist)! My mother has always been very good (still is!) at telling me that I over-react, am too sensitive, and that she has no recollection of things I remember. I have had issues with sexuality and gender identification all my life too...even though on the outside of my life nobody would ever know.

I agree with some of the other posts here that we need to find ways to focus on other parts of our symptoms and let things emerge in their own time. Much easier said than done. I keep poking at the questions of what happened to me? why can't I remember? am I just being overly dramatic/imaginative? am I crazy? like poking at a loose tooth. I can't help myself. Whatever happened to us is probably just too big for us to handle right now. I came to the realization today that I am so obsessively thinking about it because not understanding makes me feel helpless and vulnerable, and feeling that way terrifies me. And when I am terrified, I go into cognitive mode and research and think obsessively about what might be terrifying me. So I'm in a similar loop to yours.

 

[Echo]

@Hope4Now - I was in a similarly agitated state to you just prior to my abuse memories surfacing and in the first few months of them doing so. Such a lot of doubt as to what it all meant and what status to accord it all. Wanting to know and not wanting to know. Then I had a session with my therapist in which she told me really sternly that I must stop doing this and slow down, because the brain injury that happens when you get abused as a child (and can be healed) is really badly affected by retraumatising oneself or getting retraumatised. It was coupled with an exercise she did with me that took me right into one particular episode, and the feelings were so violent and frightening, I think I rammed it all down inside myself again with 'an ill-fitting lid', and I have been stuck ever since. When it comes it is like an explosion and really horrible and you need time in between each realisation to process it otherwise you get very overwhelmed. If you've got other major issues going on in your life at the same time, you've got enough on your plate. I think one of the hardest things to do is to be patient and let your body be its wise self. Having now sent my letter and set my boundaries today, I am wondering whether it is all going come out again in another torrent. I hope my therapist and I can calm down the pace this time.

 

[Hope4Now]

Parents not reacting appropriately to situations like this seriously messes with a child's perception of reality and ability to take care of and be tuned into themselves. It also leaves them feeling afraid and unprotected which is true if you think about it. Neglect of all types results in serious consequences for a child.

Yes, I am learning that too. My perceptions of both time and reality are really screwed up as well as having sort of lost my identity (my therapist and I see glimpses of it now and again). I struggle mightily with believing that I was neglected. Mainly, I think, because my parents are quite proud of how well they did by me.

I struggle to believe there is a self protective element to it all a lot of the time as it feels so awful that I can't imagine anything worse. I guess that is the point if it is happening though as I am being protected! :confused: I don't feel protected. The amount of self abuse is extreme and relentless and takes on a will of its own.

My therapist has been talking with me about this and I am really struggling with it too. I have become very angry with the parts of myself that deny my reality/tell me I'm lying, crazy, etc. I recently concluded that my narcissistic mother invaded and violated my psyche, because these voices in my head sound an awful lot like hers. I have the constant feeling of being brutalized in my own self! Then my therapist says that while those voices may have originally come from my mother, they're mine now, and they are trying to protect me. WHAT????!!! But, I guess it makes some sense. He said, for example, that the voice that tells me I am making all this up is trying to protect me by telling me that all of this mess is in my control...that I can just stop whenever I want.

 

[Echo]

When you finally have enough to believe yourself or to be unable to rationalise it away, I found it brought with it the worst emotional state I have ever experienced. A profound sense of grief and bewilderment that my parents could have done these things to me; even one of the episodes was awful enough. I don't generally suffer from depression, but it took me absolutely to the edge for about a month. Things kept clicking into place and it seemed to get worse and worse. I have now moved away from that, but it took some time.

What concerns me is that I have so dissociated away from those memories again, that I have almost forgotten them again. I'm sure it is a self-defense mechanism. I just don't want to accept it all still, and now I'm back to doubting it again. And as others say here, I've really started to beat myself up internally. I've put on three and a half stone since then, when normally if I stand sideways you can't see me. I seem to be on a mission to make myself ugly and not take care of myself nutritionally or any other way. It is such a battle. I can now only manage everything very slowly and I will work at my therapist's pace, if I have any choice. There is just so much wrong and all of it due to this abuse as a child - emotional and physical, as well as sexual. I do hope it stops being so overwhelming soon, because it is hard to not feel utterly defeated. That and still in doubt about the whole thing! Oh well, onwards and upwards....

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo thank you for repeating this (#32) again. I feel great compassion for you. I do hope that your work with your therapist can be gentle and slow and that you can be gentle and kind with yourself.

Thank you, too, for being so honest and courageous to share some of your experience (above #18, 21 and #32). I know I need to slow down, to stop thinking so much. But I also know it's coming. Went to my cranialsacral therapist today and she couldn't find a rhythm I was in such distress, so she just did some calming stuff with me. Showed me some mudras that actually helped. Last night when I was reflecting on some of the different physical sensations/energies going on, I realized that what precedes a lot of the body jerking and twisting is this weird energy that makes me feel like I'm falling into a place from which I'll never return...total annihilation. I think that all my back and leg pain, and all my torso twisting and jerking, and now my head-shaking and sort of spontaneous facial expressions of disgust are pulling me back from that place of no return. Very scary all. Think I'm heading for crisis mode if I'm not there already (always hard to know what's normal)...

Am going to try to take a nap. Didn't go to work today. Then my husband just persuaded me to go to the pub with some friends tonight to listen to music. My first inclination was NO WAY, but I'm kind of thinking it might be good to get away from myself for a while and try to engage with humanity. Last Sunday I went to hear these same musicians (people I know as acquaintances) by myself so it was extra fun because I could just listen, and it felt good. Can't beat Irish music sung by Irishmen and women in an Irish pub with a pint in front of me! Once in a while my teenaged son sits in with them on the irish whistle or the bodhran and it makes me feel so proud :)

Okay I'm rambling now. A sure sign of meltdown. Peace.

 

[Hope4Now]

There is just so much wrong and all of it due to this abuse as a child - emotional and physical, as well as sexual. I do hope it stops being so overwhelming soon, because it is hard to not feel utterly defeated. That and still in doubt about the whole thing! Oh well, onwards and upwards....

Oh Echo, don't let yourself get defeated! We ARE survivors, and we have to go moment by moment hoping to become thrivers. That's why I picked the name I did. Just hope for now. I don't know why our thoughts are so overpowering and yet we deny them at the same time.

Was it you in another thread that talked about starting some sort of daily schedule? that kind of routine is the only thing that is keeping me going. When I lose the routine, I fall into the crisis (yes, I lost the routine today). It is really important...get up same time every day, shower, dress, eat, etc. Make a schedule and try to follow it as much as you can. And get outside for grounding too. Somehow it helps to have the schedule even if it all falls apart...it's like a touchstone of normalcy that reminds us that we don't ALWAYS feel as awful as we do in a crisis. There are always at least brief moments of respite, etc.

Hugs to you (if that is comfortable). Otherwise, just warm and peaceful thoughts.