Self-Harm During Therapy

[piratelady]

I had therapy yesterday. It was fine. It was a lighter session, we didn’t dig into the past so much this time. I’m guessing he wanted me to have a break and have us talk about the present stuff some more.

Normally, because I don’t have anything in my lap I either fidget with my wedding ring or sit very still. With the weather turning I had my sweater folded in my lap and my hands under it.

For the whole session I was rubbing and picking at my hand to the point I gave myself a blister then picked that off. It’s a bit raw. But I like it. I feel like I found a new, less obvious way to hurt myself.

The problem though is I feel incredibly guilty for doing that to myself during therapy, and he didn’t notice. I was barely moving my hands and they were covered so I’m not shocked that he couldn’t tell what I was doing.

I want to keep doing it though and I worry I will. I’m also not sure I can tell Therapist I did that during the session.

Maybe I should just give it another session to see if I can stop myself from doing it again? Before I say anything? Is it really that bad that I did it?

 

[susannahsays]

Can you just choose to put your sweater somewhere else when you sit down so that you can't do this?

Why do you think you felt the urge to do that during a light session?

 

[piratelady]

Can you just choose to put your sweater somewhere else when you sit down so that you can't do this?

I could, but I like having something in my lap to cover myself with. It’s feels less vulnerable.

Why do you think you felt the urge to do that during a light session?

I’m not sure. It wasn’t all that distressing. I mean he wants to help me with present day stuff like feeling less like a failure, which I’m not sure I’m on board with. But I don’t know.

I think I’m just going to take the advice I got in my diary and bring something to fidget with next time. I think I was too quick to make a thread about this and it’s not a big deal. It’s fine. It’s not like I made myself bleed or anything. I just feel like I’ve tainted therapy. But as long as I stop it, it’s fine.

 

[mebee]

I've done similar during my actual session, with my thumb, got a blister. In fact 1 time I pulled the saggy skin on my tummy repeatedly over the course of the session, through several layers of clothing, and was wondering why it hurt so much when I got in my car, so looked and it was red raw, bleeding, and I was shocked. It needed dressing, and was a bugger to heal (picking it didn't help either :-( ) and is still scarred several months later. I told T about it, and how shocked I was that I had done that to myself, while talking, I can't remember what the session content was, but often my feelings during sessions make me angry or hurt, so I target myself and often feel a need to physically hurt instead of emotionally, or as well as. We are working through it slowly.

 

[Friday]

Is it really that bad that I did it?

I’d suggest rather than looking at it as good/desired vs bad? Look at it as a tell. Your distress level was so high that in order to cope with it / distance yourself from what you were feeling you had to hurt yourself.

It wasn’t all that distressing.

Of course it wasn’t. You were causing your body to flood itself with endorphins/opiates to combat an injury that kept getting worse and worse as the hour went on, and split your attention from what was being discussed and what was happening with your body. That’s one reason why “mild” discomfort is such an effective interrogation technique; it splits people’s attention and dials back the emotional import that they attach to what they’re saying / causes them to say more than they would under less intense and distracting circumstances. It numbs them out.

Jumping back to this one, again...

Maybe I should just give it another session to see if I can stop myself from doing it again? Before I say anything? Is it really that bad that I did it?

Why deny yourself an ally?

Again, reframe from bad/naughty/in trouble... to seeing it as a TOOL. A tool that both you and your therapist can work with;
- knowing that your distress just jumped up to that level
- how to cope in better different ways
- that the topic is actually SO distressing to you that you had to numb out suggests different ways to come at the topic itself / work on it
- etc.

NOT something to be ashamed of and hide... but something to work with.

 

[Chris-duck]

I second everything @Friday said

 

[piratelady]

Why deny yourself an ally?

Because he’s going to help me come up with solutions to stop / alternatives and I don’t want to stop. I want to hurt myself. I finally feel better.

knowing that your distress just jumped up to that level
- how to cope in better different ways
- that the topic is actually SO distressing to you that you had to numb out suggests different ways to come at the topic itself / work on it

We weren’t even working on trauma stuff. It was present day crap like things I want to start doing to be healthier, exercise, etc. that’s not distressing, it’s stuff I contemplate all the time.

The more I think about it, I think it was just fidgeting gone wrong and not “self-harm” in the sense we think about it here. It’s fine.

 

[Chris-duck]

Because he’s going to help me come up with solutions to stop / alternatives and I don’t want to stop. I want to hurt myself. I finally feel better.

Can you not just say you're not ready to stop? I had a psych nurse basically tell me it was fine to SH but just to note why I was doing it and when etc. Cos outside of causing serious injury, it's not something that needs *stopped*, it's just a sign that something is difficult.

that’s not distressing, it’s stuff I contemplate all the time.

Then why SH during it? I get distressed by the weirdest shit sometimes. Not stuff that is *distressing*, just stuff, normal life stuff that I struggle with.

I think it was just fidgeting gone wrong and not “self-harm” in the sense we think about it here. It’s fine.

No. I agree with your initial assessment. It's SH, even if it was unconscious while you were doing it, now it's become a thing. A thing you intend to keep using in secret while in therapy to manage your distress. And that's totally understandable. But it also gives an unrealistic impression of what you are managing.

I feel like I'm sounding really judgemental here and I'm not meaning to. It's just I think it's important for him to know where you're at. And you can shrug it off and say it's not self harm if you like, doesn't affect any of us, but is it just going to escalate when things keep going forwards when you currently aren't coping right now without SH?

 

[piratelady]

I’ll think about it. I have until Wednesday to decide. I think I need a break from this topic.

 

[piratelady]

@Chris-duck, you don’t seem judgmental at all. I get what you’re saying, I think I’m just not in a good place to hear it right now.

 

[Friday]

We weren’t even working on trauma stuff. It was present day crap like things I want to start doing to be healthier, exercise, etc. that’s not distressing, it’s stuff I contemplate all the time.

Hence using the tell as a tool. What made this different?

A few ideas below, but I’m not in your head, so this may just tell you more about me than you, but to just to get the ball rolling?

- contemplation is different from taking action
- trusting someone else to help you do something
- feeling like a failure being tied to some pretty heavy things... often linking both past and present
- feeling watched/supervised/controlled/trapped (that someone else helping can get complicated in accountability / letting someone else down / feeling controlled land)
- sharing hopes and dreams means they can be used against you &/or taken away &/or “jinx” them &/or highlight any failures you have trying to accomplish them &/or feel fake/phony like you’re doing better/worse than you are
- etc.

Also, you may want to note in recapping what you were discussing? You left out this piece ;) May have just been a typo kind of thing, but personally? It’s the stuff I leave out of my arguments that tell me where my vulnerable spots are. Again, the tell/tool thing.

I mean he wants to help me with present day stuff like feeling less like a failure, which I’m not sure I’m on board with.

 

[Friday]

Because he’s going to help me come up with solutions to stop / alternatives and I don’t want to stop. I want to hurt myself. I finally feel better.

Something that may help? It’s not a solution if you DONT feel better :sneaky:

The important thing to you is feeling better, right? That’s WHY you don’t want to stop. So in order for something different to be a solution? It would ALSO have to do the same durn thing. Otherwise it’s not a solution. It’s just an idea that didn’t work.

You don’t have to give up what works, until you find something else that works... and even works better. Giving you what you want -feeling better- without what you don’t want.