Self Harm Feedback

[Ronin]

Speaking of rules:

You are alive, and hanging in there.
You are super honest about what is going on.
You are minding your health, and aware of consequences, and sticking to your health first.
You are wearing what you want, and when you want it.
You have a scheduled apt with people actually able (and licensed to) help, with hardships.

... In the Keeping Sideways Healthy rulebook, you are adhering to them, and doing well. :)

I ain’t a fan of rules by shady people, much. So dusting off other rulebooks. :)
Good luck on that appointment tomorrow.

ETA. Nipple piercing idea does not sound as much of a brightie. I would weight pain and infections, in the minimum... For a time you are not fuguish, and able to weight things. So, one more vote for: Nah, not deciding, not right now.

 

[Sideways]

Thank you @Ronin - it’s really reassuring to have someone say that I’m doing ok in the circumstances. I’ve had doctors in the past that were constantly putting me on Involuntary Treatment Orders and hospitalising me endlessly because I wasn’t able to follow their concept of ‘personal safety’, which still leaves me doubting myself a lot.

 

[Ronin]

hospitalising me endlessly because I wasn’t able to follow their concept of ‘personal safety’

Is there a possibility to find treatment of people familiar with both kink and trauma?
Or at least seriously familiar with *one* of these, and understanding implications for the other in treatment?

(Eventually, I would try pros in the scene having recommendations for the medical or therapists. Because they cannot and would not just toss their employment and vocation... but need care as much as the other joes, so there might be finding out who to go to?)

 

[Friday]

this is perfect for you”.

If it’s actually perfect for you? It will still be perfect for you in a year. Which is why I have a rule that I have to want the exact same -permenant- thing for at least a year before I’m allowed to start budgeting for it, or do it. No impulsive tattoos, branding, piercing, or elective surgery.

 

[Sideways]

Is there a possibility to find treatment of people familiar with both kink and trauma?

This never occurred to me. But if I have trouble wrapping it up on the 5th January deadline I’ve given myself, I think it might be time I looked into this. I get the impression that my current T has seen bdsm come up in the past, but she reacts fairly strongly to the mildly stuff I’ve told her about, and I’m not sure if that’s helpful or not...

 

[Sideways]

No impulsive tattoos, branding, piercing, or elective surgery.

For at least a year.

Committing to ‘at least 6 months’ would be helpful to me. At least a year puts it in the “boundaries I’ll probably break if I want to” category, while 6 months is definitely reasonable, and should be more than long enough to tide me over.

And safety nets like that are extremely helpful to me at this point.

ETA: clear boundary set: no tattoos, piercings, brandings or surgery for at least 6 months.

 

[Ronin]

she reacts fairly strongly to the mildly stuff I’ve told her about, and I’m not sure if that’s helpful or not...

Which is why I am thinking of having another set of eyes / perspective, on it.
Might help having both, and deciding where you stand, from that.

Reminds me also of the person angle: The bodymods on their own might be quote perfect...
But is it worth acting on orders of some guy you have never met, and who is not really considerate of you, from the sound of it?

 

[Sideways]

But is it worth acting on orders of some guy you have never met, and who is not really considerate of you, from the sound of it?

Yes. It fits squarely into what my abuser taught me my purpose was (God put me on earth to be a whore of god, my purpose is to sexually satisfy men, and the man that i am sexually satisfying at any given times takes possession of my lady bits...apparently this all helps men become closer to god...). This is why I ultimately decided that this was self-harm, even though it’s not your classic cutting/burning scenario. It acts out those emotions from my abuse. And a lot of the abuse itself. It was important that I was routinely humiliated and endured pain, according to my abuser, because that would allow me to fulfill my purpose without limitations. I also had to be prepared to submit to whatever activity my abuser wanted, and express gratitude for it.

I could be completely wrong on all that. Maybe I’m just too ashamed to admit that I’m into kink and if I came out and admitted that to myself everything would fall nicely into place...

And then I just go a bit cross-eyed, because typically when a person is SHing, they’re going to tell you it’s fulfilling a need they have, and it’s all uncomfortably close to the crap I was conditioned to believe about myself.

ETA: or maybe I’m just really into kink, and it’s not about the abuse at all.

 

[Sideways]

I used to prn to sleep through the middle of the day. I’ve spent the afternoon spoiling doggo. I feel completely calm and functional.

That’s relevant given what today is.

 

[Ronin]

ETA: or maybe I’m just really into kink, and it’s not about the abuse at all.

Just to clarify:

Not what I am saying, and did not mean to imply that this is a fetish for you of some sort.

Rather that those familiar with variations in relating (instead of treating them as tabboos altogether) might be more assistive than having to shuffle a wide area of experiences as something shameful and something leading to a hospitalization at a mere mention.

 

[Placebo]

I used to burn myself with cigarettes at 15. I was on prozac which years later due to a genetics test found out its a big no no because of side effects. The problem with self harming is every time you see the scares you are reminded of past pain you were in. I did a ton of self harming behaviours throughout my life. They never made it better. They always came back at me with more harm.
It is better than death, but so is research. When I'm on a ptsd suicide pain flashback non-stop time; I look up torture survivors, and stories of others who have survived. I look up world information like the way sweatshops operate for my American benefit. I look up my own mental illness issues like ptsd, and scientific studies. I look into Tibetan Buddhist monks who were tortured in Chinese prisons, and how did they mentally make it through with get this absolutely no ptsd. I pray, I do deep breathing, I try to meditate even when it seems impossible, and on those occasions when it is I use YouTube guided meditations. And, most importantly I cry. Crying gives me a physical outlet that leaves me numb for a while.
I'm so sorry for this serious pain in your life. I can say I love you honestly even though you may not love yourself. (Another thing I did was chant "I love myself" for hours at a time no matter how stupid it not loving I felt.)
Better than death yes. But, not the only option.

 

[Sideways]

did not mean to imply that this is a fetish for you of some sort.

Not at all - I think having someone familiar with the lifestyle supporting me would be incredibly helpful, and it was rock solid advice. I think almost regardless of whether I can quit cold turkey on 5 Jan, it’s probably something I need to butch up about and look into. This happens every year.

I just wondered I guess if maybe I’m just into kink. Because if that were the case, the part of my head telling me “This is exactly what you need to be doing” has it right. Idk, I don’t think that’s right. I don’t get aroused by much (ever) these days