Self Harm Feedback

[Sideways]

Surprising even myself, shut down accounts, blocked users, consider it done.

Right on time. I should note the significance of the relief I get by 5 January for next year.

 

[Teasel]

Hurrah! ???

 

[Abstract]

So proud of you. Hurrah indeed.

I guess once the dust has settled its worth looking at those ways to preempt this and work on prevention for next year. You sounded like you have the gems of a plan in place. Yay.

 

[Sideways]

Ok, so I saw my pdoc yesterday.

I managed to talk to her about how I continue to have trust issues. Bawled for a while as I talked about how, for years, it felt like every time I was frank with a T about anything, I was hospitalised.

She proposed that perhaps as well as trust issues, maybe there was also some shame issues making it hard to be open with her.

Yup.

She asked “Are you trying to tell me that you think maybe you need to be hospitalised? That if you were frank with me today, we might agree an admission is appropriate?”

“No”. (Read: maybe, don’t know, possibly, no, yes, fk!)

I reassured her that I am okay.

I said the words “I haven’t hurt myself and I’m not planning to.”

Was that a bald face lie? Or the truth? Or somewhere in between subject to interpretation...??

 

[Teasel]

Was that a bald face lie? Or the truth? Or somewhere in between subject to interpretation...??

I'd probably say a lie. No judgement here though. I mean, I see what you've been doing as self harm, which does hurt you. But I get that self harm is a coping mechanism in times of great distress.

How have you been since the 5th? Been thinking of you :hug:

 

[Sideways]

@berlinda - dang. I thought so. I’m totally okay with giving a misleading impression that I’m doing better than I am, but it’s always been a big deal to me to not flatly lie to my T.

So I’m gonna need to address that.

Thing is...

This dom persisted with contacting me. And...I’m currently telling myself “This isn’t self-harm. I’m doing so much better having this in my life, and so...”

So. It’s been so much worse in the past. This is a real dom/sub thing, rather than a sado/masochist thing. This dom doesn’t want me to get physically harmed. So, maybe it’s just good. Maybe this is how I feel better. Maybe it’s not harm now. Having my life controlled really does seem to be making me a more functional person.

 

[Ronin]

I keep thinking...

Self harm in different forms or scope is still self harm, even if it is to overcome different issues and beneficial in some respect. Self harm in other ways (not D/s or by relationships) is also quote beneficial in taking off stress, being a coping mechanism, restoring control and self control, the whole bag. That does not make it notSH.

So maybe something to think about, how you weight the whole Not Self Harm issue (and what changed from the past... maybe that change is more useful in letting you know what you need in your life and to ditch, and why, than just looking at what you are doing in each relationship?)

You quit, as in it is over, what he thinks of it it is his issue. You do not have to respond or even acknowledge him.

 

[Sideways]

You do not have to respond or even acknowledge him.

This is the statement I get stuck on.

All the other stuff, makes sense. Until I get to this statement: “You do not have to...”

Yes. I do.

Everything else I can be flexible with in my mind, but that statement is something I can’t seem to shift on. At all. I actually felt angry just reading it (not because you’re at all out of line - that’s all me and my junk).

 

[Sideways]

Boss has put pics & a vid of me online with my first name in the title.

And I’m grateful for that. I think that’s what cleared my head about it and simplified things for me. Boss will move on at some point, and that’s when I’ll be done.

That’s me being honest. That’s what I can’t tell my T.

 

[Ronin]

I actually felt angry just reading it

Gotcha.

Ok, softer.
What about: You don’t have to acknowledge him in a way he wants to, in the time frame he wants to?

Similar with that other development: So there is a pic of you that happens to have your name on it... that is all it is, again, not his proof of ownership or anything. Looks change, names change, sites change, and none of that obligates you to act in any way.

ETA: It kind of brings me to that consent thread, really. How do I know I consent? I am not fearing the repercussions of not consenting. Or even thinking about them, that much. There isn’t that Or Else, and the prior Or Else’s aren’t big boogeymen for the decision either. I can just be me, all of me. The f*cked up by the history one too, without it being a big fat piece of me I have to cut off.

Clear as mud? :)

 

[Sideways]

You don’t have to acknowledge him in a way he wants to, in the time frame he wants to?

Okay, the response to that one was I think fear rather than anger, because I’ve started shaking.

I may have to sit with that. I see my T in a week, a lot can change in that time and I think boss will be over it by then anyway. Pretty sure there’s a 2 parts that are pulling me in opposite directions here, but 1 of them is definitely stronger on this issue.

 

[Ronin]

Are you safe / okay in the meantime?

I really don’t want to cause an emotional shitstorm in the time you are bit wiggling in the wind with supports with my comments. Hence asking if you are coping.