Self harm - help me understand

[Ketamine Dreams]

I've seen a few threads about this topic, but didn't want to clutter them with this question. As a supporter, I've witnessed this behavior from my sufferer. Hers has mainly been scratching, severe pinching, cutting and poking with several instruments including scissors, and some self harm using food as well.

The way this behavior has been explained to me is that physical pain is used to alleviate?, distract from?, the emotional pain. Is this accurate? Is this correct?

It's hard, maybe impossible, for someone outside of this behavior to understand this. Why does one start this behavior? Why not use other distractions? Is it possible to rationalize that harming oneself is never really a solution, and that permanent damage could result? I would just like a better understanding of this if possible and maybe more insight would help. TIA.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Self harm is a very complex issue and different people have different reasons to self harm. As you mentioned, one reason is to distract from the emotional pain. Being someone who cuts, this is just one of the several reasons I cut. For me, I know there are "better" methods and that this is not ideal, however when I am in such a desperate state, it is the only thing strong enough that I can think of. Possibly because I have not built up and used my other coping skills enough yet. This is especially the case when I am fighting dissociation very hard.

Another reason I and some others self harm is as a form of punishment. I believe (whether logical or not) a lot of the things that happened to me are my fault. I am also very hard on myself at this point in my life for allowing PTSD to affect me, so I punish myself.

When I first started, I really couldn't tell you why I self harmed. Now that I have explored it with my therapist, I am better understanding. There are even more reasons why people cut, but those are my main two. It's not the simple matter of knowing that this isn't the best coping skill, or else a lot of us wouldn't do it. It's a matter of becoming better equipped with healthier coping skills.

I hope this helps and makes sense.

 

[LittleMy]

I find that a person who self harms doesn't really keep their safety in mind, it's not a problem damaging yourself. I started self harm at 9 years old, it started off as a simple cry for help, I would smack and scratch my face in front of students and teachers to show the bullying was getting to me. Like, look, I am punishing myself so you don't have to. I thought that if I showed the pain they would understand I didn't need more.

I started cutting at 15 to kind of prove to myself the scars I was carrying on the inside, people kept saying that the bullying wasn't happening, that I was making things up because I was mad. So I used it as some sort of silent rebellion, (I never showed anyone) that the scars showed I didn't make things up. It was also a simple coping mechanism, it becomes a ritual that would make me calm down, it would make everything go away for a little while. It turned into a punishment later on, and that's where I am at now at 25, trying to keep the punishment to a minimum. It's just now I actually feel I don't want to inflict damage to myself.

 

[joeylittle]

I self-harm as a form of punishment, specifically because I was cut as part of my trauma.

Some classic techniques for re-directing self-ham impulses:

• Wear a rubber band around the wrist; snap it when the urge hits (this method is falling out of favor as you can use it to hurt yourself
• Grab a handful of ice cubes
• Use a pen (ball point) to "scratch" hard on a pad of paper
• Use a washable marker to draw on your skin where you'd be cutting (blue washes out better than red, and doesn't gave the "blood" look)
• Keep an orange I the freezer; take it out and hold it when feeling the urge.
• Stick your head under cold water, or take a very cold shower

Of all these, the one that works for me best - it's a real deterrent as well - is the cold shower. I cannot bear cold showers. Now, I have a deal with myself that if I want to cut, I have to do the shower first - then, if I still want to cut after, I can.

I've been using this for the last six months and have successfully avoided cutting.

 

[Chava]

Agree with complexity and personal safety not being a concern. It can be about control...inflicting our own pain (as weird as that sounds, wish I could explain better). Mine started as self punishment and also need for control...anger and need for power that couldn't be turned outward so got turned inward. Also, I sometimes think my urge to harm myself is similar to a "freeze" response, so like two conflicting impulses. For cutting, it's the urge to fight and the urge to be held tight or be protected...I can't say why, or for sure, but my body seems to need those two opposing things. Probably came from simultaneously wanting to protect myself from caregivers and also be protected by them (not possible, or not a trust-worthy source, so I have a really childish feeling of protecting myself when I'm in crisis, and it involves sleeping with a knife...or even holding it against my own skin). I was hurt most by people who were supposed to love and protect me. In a disconnected place, it's like I'm playing a couple roles...mine and theirs, and by hurting myself I have control over all of the pain (okay, this barely makes sense). I also learned that feelings were not really okay...and strong emotions were controlled through violence or destruction. I'm sure there is some brain chemistry involved here...the whole endorphin release or whatever...cutting did used to help me chill way out.

It might partly relieve dissociation or disconnection from the body. I also went through a phase of hating my legs so badly that I cut them up in elaborate ways to make sure I'd never wear shorts again but hide my legs forever. So, these are a lot of complicated possibilities.

It's hard to find a good substitute. First I had to want to stop punishing myself. If I felt I deserved punishment, it was really hard to find a healthy substitute. Then I had to find ways to release the energy. I don't cut but I think about it often lately...it helps me to imagine myself bleeding, to squeeze my arms, and to squeeze a closed blade in my hand. So lately, feeling protected but also having some visual and tactile way to connect back to my body and also imagine a "release" of sorts. I can't recommend this because it's probably triggering (imagining cuts and bleeding), but when it's really bad, it helps on some level.

It seems like self-harmers generally lack the ability to self-soothe, but also that most average coping skills don't work for people who cut...that's why they cut. The need for comfort is triggering in itself because, for me, it's loaded with risk and even self-loathing. When triggered toward self-harm, my stuffed animal or my pets can't sooth me. I'm not just a little stressed out. I think it's mostly gnarly trauma energy (for me, it seems like fight + need for protection all twisted together), so the squeezing, or finding something to push against, and ways to feel protected...so letting my body turn the anger outward or release that energy safely. Yesterday I wanted to cut and could not turn any of it outward but realized I had a real need for protection. So I've just imagined crawling into a shell, avoiding other humans, trying to manage pain and triggering stuff.

 

[Springer80]

There is evidence that positive attachment experiences create opioid receptors in the brain. Opioids are naturally occurring in the body and in positive loving experiences these connections are strengthened and the more they are the more able you are to experience positive emotions and therefore wellbeing/relaxation.

In abusive childhoods etc, this circuitry is not satisfied but the need for positive attachments remains. This is where maladaptive, addictive behaviours come in. They try to circumvent this disconnect. So drugs and alcohol work but so does self harm as the body releases opioids on the impact of cutting and floods the brain. Other behaviours such as eating disorders and OCD function in a similar way, either by distraction or substitution.

 

[Chava]

@Springer80 I need all of those addictions! :eek: It's interesting because not everyone, but some people with eating disorders, spiral through all this other stuff...self injury, chemical addiction. I was made to feel like a major f*ck up and there was supposedly a bed in the state hospital with my name on it (that's what my social worker told me, which was better than the doctor who told my parents they'd probably have to bury me). Anyway, not to derail the conversation...it does help very much to see how trauma and all of this is connected. So we are not fundamentally damaged (did I think that yesterday? yes, because I was like a little kid)...and we don't actually deserve punishment. There are certainly kinder ways to get at the opioid and endorphin stuff, but I assume it's much harder for us because the receptors are so screwed up or burnt out, and the whole human connection thing feels more scary than comforting at times, which for me only futhers my disconnected and non-human feelings...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

For me most of my self-harm is done while in dissociative states, however, I think I understand why it happens. It can happen as a way to "let out" the emotional pain. My part used to say, "I need to get it out.". It simply felt like too much to contain inside. Now it seems to be more of the way to end the emotional pain. The cutting doesn't hurt, but it does distract from the emotions that are overwhelming. It is a way to distract from the emotional pain and the unwanted memories. If you are too busy cutting and tending to the cuts, then you can't focus on the memory.

I scratch myself sometimes, too, but that is usually out of intense fear. I don't understand that one. I think it is just a repetitive behavior of self-soothing that gets out of hand.

The other part that scratches is angry and she cuts when she wants to let the anger out. Hers, I think, is more of a punishment. An "I deserve to be hurt" kind of thing.

It is confusing for me and I am, in the end, the one doing it. I told my husband and he was concerned, but understood as best he could. He knows it happens, but also knows I don't want him involved in that. I told a close friend and she thought people only cut for attention. That is so not it because I never want people to know about it. It's a coping skill, just not a very good one.

 

[Springer80]

The point is that self harm is not a choice in the way most of society thinks it is. It is not a diseased mind but a body and brain permanently in a state of deficit that agitates the nervous system to such a degree that seemingly inappropriate avenues are adopted as the only method of relief.

The notion of blame, fee will, logic and responsibility are subtlely changed in this context.
I have never self harmed but I smoked, drank and used drugs from 12).

I imagine it causes a lot of shame and internalised feelings of being defective but actually there is bone fide reason why these behaviours develop.

 

[Springer80]

Is it possible to rationalize that harming oneself is never really a solution,

No because it is not a choice in the sense that it is driven by a physiological need. Self harmers know it is damaging I would imagine, just likes alcoholics know that drinking a bottle vodka is not healthy. It's not an intellectual problem that you can remonstrate about.

You have to remove the need for it with comfort and tenderness and very gradual and subtle levels of respect and intimacy about some very painful events.

 

[Justmehere]

For me, self harm kinda makes the pain go away and makes me feel a lot more regulated. It is an to try and calm great internal distress.

@Ketamine Dreams - it is very hard to understand from the outside. Even from inside of it, it has been hard for me to understand my own actions. I think it's so amazing of you to be reaching out for more info to understand it. I hope you find a way to very gently talk to your sufferer and ask her to help you understand why she does it.

 

[Springer80]

I mean we don't blame diabetics for having to inject insulin. We blame drug addicts though and we stigmatise people who try to avoid drug addiction with things like self harm.