Self-harm relapse

[Overcoming]

After a nearly two months of being self-harm-free, I relapsed again tonight. I was so angry and conflict with my spouse is always a losing battle. I love him, but he makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes. Nothing would relieve the pent-up tension, except for drawing blood and taking a pleather belt across my legs several times. I feel so alone and like dropping into a deep black hole. I was doing so much better. I am drawing back into unreality. For the last few days I have sensed it coming. If I could scream through the computer, I would. Just feel cornered. I hate feeling this way. :mad: It makes me want to have a drink bc I cannot seem to calm my own nerves.

 

[ladee]

But you CAN at least slow down a little... I hate having to do the grounding stuff... I do really hate it... but it works... slow deep breathing. Do that until you feel your self calming some.. it may take awhile.. look for anything green or red in the room you are in, or any color you choose... find something you can outline with only moving your eyes, this one works good for me.... go for a short walk... run in place. scream into a pillow... anything that does not cause you physical harm....

I am so sorry the tension has built up so bad... if you felt it coming on this time, you may feel it next time.. and you can start THEN to ground yourself.... I know you are upset with your self and with him.... and it's ok... you are still ok... a temporary thing.. If you can get two months, then you know how to get four months... then 6 months...

You are ok, You are not crazy. Try some of these things... as stupid as they sound , they work.... start with the breathing... please let us know you are ok...

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you @ladee. Your words are comforting. At this point, I'm feeling numb and dull. I did end up drinking, but I'm laying down to sleep in a couple of minutes and won't be going anywhere. I feel really disconnected. I hope to walk in a better place. I will be mindful to follow your advice next time. At this point, I'm just going to check out. Again, thank you. (hugs)

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you know any coping skills?

 

[littleoc]

I'm so sorry this happened. It's so disappointing to relapse

However, when you do, you learn something. You can look at what happened and try to make adjustments for your future. This is about recovery. If you could just stop without effort, you'd be... well, you'd have learned everything you need to.

And you will get there. But I know how disappointing it is. Be gentle with yourself and, when you are well enough, evaluate what happened and see what could be changed

Good luck

 

[ladee]

Hope you get some good sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. We get to start over each new day... take care and proud of you for reaching out. That always takes courage we didn't know we had... gentle hugs...

 

[Justmehere]

For my own setbacks, I used to spiral about the relapse and relapse even more. But setbacks are a normal part of the process of recovery.

Use it as a learning experience.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you everyone for being present with me last night. It means a lot. As usual, I woke up with a clearer head and felt kinda ridiculous for having gone so far. I'm sluggish, but I'm doing some grounding so I don't get Spacey and have an "off" day.

@EveHarrington I have coping skills. When I've gotten to the point of considering/acting on self-harm, it's like my mind is already in that place and all I want to do is impulsively soothe the emotional pain. Self-soothing has never been a strong suit. I have been trying butterfly hugs more and I have a stuffy that I'll sometimes hold and feel it's texture. I've begun to get some relief with those.

 

[Justmehere]

I struggle with self soothing as well. If you are in a place again where you can’t bring yourself to engage that technique, another option is a technique called Dead Link Removed.

It’s been one of the most helpful techniques for me for not only getting through an impulse to SI, but also reducing the impulses over time.