Self-harm Via Ed: What If You Know You Just Want Concern?

[Kintsugi]

I'm depressed. I'm having a lot of trouble eating. I'm not suicidal but wanting to do something to put me in a very critical condition.

And I feel overwhelmingly guilty.

Because I know for a fact it is me wanting to cry for help.

I'm at my parents' house and feel like I am not getting the concern or validation I crave. I know if I were with my in-laws, they would be concerned if I was being this symptomatic. They already are concerned. My mother-in-law was who I called when I was truly suicidal. She counseled me. She cared. She took it very seriously. She knows that I am wading through deep shit when I am this erratic in sleeping and eating and moods. She may not understand everything, but she understands the gravity of my condition and cares deeply and overtly.

And I am so guilt ridden for wanting to land myself in the hospital just so my father will take me seriously.

It sounds silly, I think. But also it is not silly. I know I'm in a toxic environment and when I get out things will be so much better. But it's still going to hurt, being so very aware that I feel so without what to me would be a natural concern. When I try to communicate I feel like a ghost to him--unreal, unseen, unheard.

His inability to see that my problems with eating are real and very dangerous to my health are exacerbated by the fact that my little cousin was recently in the hospital for months because of anorexia. I never got that bad but in the past, before college, I was pretty f*cking close. And up until she was in critical condition, all he ever said was how great she looked, how fit she was. The same attention I got when I was teetering on the same edge.

Now he takes my cousin seriously. But not me. Even though I've asked him what he would do if that was me, even when I've drawn parallels a dozen times between she and I. He doesn't seem to give a shit.

I know this is only my warped perspective. But I feel like it's a dare. I feel like he is challenging me to be that sick. "You want to starve yourself? Prove it."

And I feel like a failure every time I eat.

And I feel so so guilty and ashamed of myself when I romanticize getting into critical shape.

Everything feels wrong and pointless. I just want to hurt myself in a way that won't leave anymore scars. I just want to feel heard. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be able to prove that I am sick.

My thoughts scare me sometimes.

 

[radicalgratitude]

It sounds like you are giving your father a great deal of power.

It's time to take a step back and re-evaluate things. What do you (not Ed) really want? I gather from this post that you want to experience love and support. Restricting to the point of being hospitalized is not a good way to experience love and support. That is Ed talking.

You probably won't be able to experience what you need (love and support) from your dad so take sometime to grieve this.Journal about how angry you are that he is unable to love you the way a father should. Do an art project, like a collage, that tells how you are feeling. Find people in your life who can fill that void.

Finally, my favorite thing: volunteer at a soup kitchen where you give food to the homeless out of love for them....they didn't do anything to get this food, but we feed them out of love and concern for them. We can learn to do the same for ourselves.

There's no need to feel ashamed. Wanting to feel loved is a natural human condition. The part of you that wants to restrict is doing what it thinks will "achieve" this love. But real, unconditional love is not bought; it is freely given. So it's time to find the love that you need without having to hurt yourself to get it.

 

[reallydown]

Hugs to you MAS. I think many of us have probably felt like this before or still are - like we aren't being taken seriously; like our illness is some kind of joke to others, and when one is so depressed, then the thoughts of self-harm, ending up in hospital etc., I think, are natural. I have been depressed lately as well and there are days when everyone's busy or whatever and it just seems like no one cares and all you want is for someone to give a shit, especially someone very close to you. of course, this doesn't mean they actually don't care but we get into that mode of thinking...Anyway, all I can say is I'm sorry you're feeling like this now and I hope things will start looking up soon.

 

[BadMemories]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have much advice because I've been seeking my dad's attention / approval/ validation for years and even at 30, I still don't feel like I'm enough. Is there anyway to get away from your current environment? Maybe stay with your inlaws? Also, try to find another outlet that takes your mind off of food / control of food.

A friend told me that I have to just accept the way my dad is and either deal with it or separate myself from him. I hated that advice. But separating myself did help.

Good luck

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

MissAntiSunshine - Please don't punish yourself - I think it's more than just wanting attention from those who can't/won't give it. When I get to certain points in my life, I have a tendency of self destructing and not eating is one of my favorites. There are numerous other examples of what I do to myself but the truth is, thanks to all the people here, I'm realizing that I'm taking all of the crappy bs of a lifetime and punishing myself with it.

You have plenty of reason to want validation from your parents. They didn't protect you then and they just want to look away from what's happened and how it's so messed up. But you have people here who will listen, who can share the pain and who care about you, even if we are nameless and faceless.

Here for you if you need it...

 

[presentjoy]

I often feel that the pain isn't real, and making it real by self harming in whatever form, makes it more real on the outside. I didn't eat today until 2pm after a horrid meltdown and then waiting until extremely faint to eat again tonight. Something about creating a crisis that makes everyone realise just how bad this is.

Are there other alternatives to conveying how bad it is? I haven't figured it out but wonder if we can think together. It's hard to get help when no one perceives how bad it is. I feel like that right now.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Maybe if we had a scar on the outside that matched how we feel inside...

Besides, MissAntiSunshine - don't you know you're my hero for your sarcastic wit? I absolutely love your responses!

 

[Kintsugi]

Such an outpouring of care. I'm glad I decided to talk about this.

I'm emotionally exhausted right now, but I will respond more fully later. I just wanted to let everyone know I appreciate you all so much. Thank you. It doesn't even cover it. But thank you.

 

[Kintsugi]

I want to respond to all these wonderful suggestions and pieces of advice individually, but I think I'm experiencing too much psychological vertigo to focus that much. Instead, I'm going to respond holistically. I feel compelled to continue thanking everyone over and over. But I think you know--I hope--how much all of these replies mean to me. It really helped me get in touch with all of the support that is possible and widen my scope of the potential for human connection as I deal with failed connections.

I will respond to this, because it summarizes, I think, the heart of the issue and the solution:

A friend told me that I have to just accept the way my dad is and either deal with it or separate myself from him. I hated that advice. But separating myself did help.

That advice is easy to hate. I've gotten that message many times from both people and experiences. But I typically reject it. I think I'm beginning to learn to listen to it. It's a painful pill to swallow.

Being here, it's struck me how much pain my parents must bury. It's awful to watch. It's awful to see people so well off so unfulfilled. I know they don't see it that way. But to me, it seems like most of their accomplishments are made hollow by their inability to be honest with themselves and others. Sometimes I muse that maybe when the last of their parents die, they will have some kind of resurgence of self-care. But I don't know. It's really not for me to speculate, I guess.

It does inspire me though, in a sense. I get down on myself a lot for being so barren of resources. I feel guilty for feeling like another meaningless job just for the sake of being comfortable will be the death of me. But I'm starting to really understand the idea that happiness is not a good savings plan. It's important to have the resources to live, but it seems more important than ever to be to--yes, it's trite--be true to myself. I'm not happiest when I get a paycheck or when I'm thin or when I have nice clothes. I'm happiest when I'm creating, or when I'm helping someone reach their goals or to realize their potential. I'm happiest when I'm participating in social change or reading a text that speaks to an issue about which I am passionate. I'm happiest when I'm supported or am supportive of those I believe in.

And I'm beginning to realize I actually know people--plenty of people--who ARE happiest when they have nice clothes or a big house or a nice car. And it's all starting to look so sad to me.

I'm not saying that wealth is bad or materialistic pleasures are stupid. I just think that if you have a Mercedes but you're uncomfortable with examining any aspect of yourself... How comfortable can you really be?

Punishing myself is a hard thing to just stop doing. I think I know that to recover from the perspective that I have to be in dire condition for loving attention, I need to start accepting myself and having compassion for my own struggle. Maybe when I think the answer to my familial problems is for me to take charge of fixing them, I'm setting myself up for failure because I'm not admitting my own limitations the same way that my parents don't admit their own. I get angry because I feel like they want to fix me and he done with it, but then I turn around and do the same sort of thing, where I feel like if I can identify unhealthy behaviors in them I can fix them and everything will be wonderful and how it's "supposed" to be. And then when I force the responsibility of fixing things upon myself, and things don't change or I feel unheard, I am devastated and turn to thoughts of self destruction.

I'm really rambling here.

I don't know if I can accept my parents. I can't seem to accept myself. Sometimes it occurs to me that if a friend were suffering these issues, I would have an enormous amount of compassion for that friend, and I wouldn't focus on their family at all, because I would recognize that my friend is the one I could help to not feel she has to endure such pressure to make something happen that has everything in the world to do with her needs rather than her family's baggage and their inability to fill the void she feels.

Why can I see the potential for emotional mobility in a friend but when I look at myself all I think is "What could I do to fix this?"

And it's particularly bizarre because when I think about developing other support networks in which I would feel validated and valued for who I am, in which there were healthy patterns of communication, I feel this odd sense of loss, and I feel maybe I'm giving up or something on my parents. But when I try to find what it is I'm losing or giving up on, it seems like well really nothing--it's the abandonment of something absent, isn't it? It's like I'm starving, and there's a restaurant I heard about with the food I'm craving, but when I go to the address it's just an empty lot with a worn "coming soon!" sign, and there are lots of restaurants with the same food elsewhere, but I'm hanging around the lot instead, not wanting to give up on what I thought would be there.

And it's not easy to examine all this. It's even harder to accept it. And then to take some kind of action that might actually be good for me seems neigh impossible.

But it is wonderful to have a community here that is willing to take the time to help me in the process.

 

[bell]

Firstly, it took me a few minutes to figure out that "Ed" was not a dude named Ed. :)

Secondly, this.

Punishing myself is a hard thing to just stop doing.

It is terribly, terribly hard, and I'm sorry that you're having trouble with all of this and with your parents. With me, real understanding between my parents and I came one day when my dad said, "we just don't understand you." That admission was the beginning of better relationships with the both of them.

I'm not saying that this is definitely what is going on with your parents, just that sometimes it's a matter of perspective that separates us. I.e., my parents didn't understand me, yet to me, it looked just like they didn't care.

At any rate, please be gentle with yourself!

 

[Abstract]

Talks of concepts of death below:

For me doing things that have indicated I am accepting and dealing with my family according to who and how they really are instead of the fantasy has felt like a death and full mourning process. Like the new death of the ideal parent figure. Doing those things requires the death of the fantasy and allowing that fantasy to die is extremely hard. Like killing the person in some respects.

I truly hope I haven't triggered anyone with all this talk of death. It's just the only way that I can express it.

The most extreme version of this I have gone through is to do with my mother but I am now suspecting I am not nearly there yet. I have just exorcised certain aspects of the fantasy.

The best thing though is that every amount of acceptance comes with much less re injuring and much better and more constant management of relationships.

There are some things about this that I suspect can link into the whole unmet needs of childhood and the paradoxical and difficult pulls and pushes that arise as a result when we try to take care of ourselves.

I can't remember the quote properly but it is something along the lines of: the definition of true craziness is repeatedly hitting ones head on the door frame whenever going through the doorway and yet never ducking.