Self hate

[Monarch]

Some of you know me I have been around for awhile, I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't needed to, thank God. Now i find myself on that slippery slope again where it starts with flashbacks then I talk about the flashbacks with my therapist which brings it all back up to the surface and then out in the open to deal with again, ick.... I am tired of it but here it is again.

I see people ask the question all the time " why do my friends disappear when I have PTSD". I don't think they disappear, I think we push them away. I know I have been doing just that because I don't like myself and if others like me or want to be my friend I put a halt to that because how could they love someone like me? I am a horrible person, I have called myself a million horrible names and to hear someone say the opposite pissed me off then I push them away. I thought affirmation is what I need but when that happens I get angry, again.

I am totally frustrated by the cycle i am in right now and I pray for God to help me 20 times a day, guess I will have to try 30 and so on.

 

[cragger65]

Wow, I'm standing here looking in a mirror. When someone compliments me, I feel like I have "lied" somehow to "dupe" them into seeing something good in me. As for trying to help me, God help them. I hate myself too. I wish that weren't true, but it is. For a long time now (last few months) I have been going on the logic that, if people here like me, that must mean I'm not all bad. Today, I'm back to questioning that again, even more than usual. I don't know if I can ask God to help me anymore. I feel I have betrayed him/her too, and they also must hate and shun me.

Well, now that I've cheered you up ;P Sorry, I wish I could be more helpful. Maybe I shouldn't even be posting right now.

 

[Monarch]

No, I totally just had one of those ah-ha moments, like I get it! So, I tried to call my therapist and he didn't pick up and I tried another friend that was putting her kids to bed so I called my friend who is also my pastor Greg. We talked for about a half hour and finally at the end I had that ah-ha moment. When I see people that are prostitutes, gang-members, even rapist and victims I say, God I wish they didn't know that pain, what happened in their lives that made them think they were garbage, it must be horrible how can I help them. Well, I am holding myself to a different standard. I am looking at myself and saying, you did horrible things and therefore you are a horrible person and calling myself garbage. I need to have compassion for myself, there is not a higher standard for me, the only standard is that EVERYONE deserves love! I deserve compassion too. Damn, that is good stuff.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Self talk Monarch......Telling yourself over and over, that you are worthy, you are deserving, you are intelligent, you are lovable.....Whatever it is, keep repeating it over and over, and eventually your brain will register the positive talk.

We all need to stop the negative and embrace the positive. Self affirmation, post it notes, self talk, whatever....Just start doing it.

When others give us a compliment....ACCEPT it, don't question it.....They may actually know more than we do.......

 

[kers]

Well, I am holding myself to a different standard.

Monarch, this is the source of so many of our problems, isn't it? We expect so much more of ourselves than of others. We have so little compassion for ourselves.

 

[freya]

I really loved your second post, Monarch, thank you for sharing.

I tend to think that for every person on earth the challenge is to love themselves and to realize they are worthy of love. To see oneself as innocent.
My spiritual source tells me it goes together: see your 'brother' as innocent and you will be able to see yourself as innocent. And vice versa.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Monarch, I'm glad to see you back but sorry it's for reasons that are due to not feeling good.

I know what you mean about those cycles. It gives people mixed messages and if I don't push them away, they will get annoyed and leave on their own.

I've been lucky though. So far my husband is sticking it out and my best friend might hang in there. I wouldn't be angry if either of them bailed out, and sometimes wondered why they haven't already.

God knows I think about bailing on people about every 6 months. I just want to pick up and leave. Weird! "But, everywhere I go there I am"

I think I'm about 50/50 with the love hate issue toward myself. I do remember at one point I had no love for myself. Now, I feel I may be half way there so that gives me hope in all directions of my life.

Anyway, I hope this cycle is short lived for you, and you can return to not posting soon. That's a good feeling knowing you don't need this place, and in the same instance knowing there will be people here to encourage you just in case you do.

Tammy

 

[fin]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread3058.html[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread3072.html[/DLMURL]

I know I hate myself, and I know, I soo know I am horribly, really horribly flawed. But I also know I have to work on this. I know that this is negative thinking and its at its best, so I believe I have to try to be at my best also; to be able to take it on. And for me that takes work and a lot of it.

I also believe all people have rights, yes all people, and that includes us by definition. And these two threads above, I read over and over when I am bad. And while we are ok I believe we have to keep trying to input the good stuff to ourselves as much as possible. It may be that at the moment, none of us feels like we are ok, or worthy of anything, but if nothing else we can know from logic that if we keep coming back and addressing our stuff, it will diminish its power over us to some extent. And while it may not feel like it today, it will lessen.

And I know I can logically talk the hind legs off a donkey about how I am a totally crap person. And no one is laughing at me being able to talk the hind legs off a donkey I can tell -yeah no surprises there!! But I also know that I am trying to move forward and beyond this thinking, we all are. So I try; again and again, and I really believe we all have to, over and over for as long as. I know that this sounds sooo not fun, but the alternative is the pTSD and that-as we all know, is even less fun.

There short and sweet.




~fin

I think maybe I sound a little insensitive though Y/N ? (yeah, that was hypothetical and rhetorical so no PM's on this please I am way too fragile at the moment).

And I hope this can help someone.

 

[cypher]

Wow, I'm standing here looking in a mirror. When someone compliments me, I feel like I have "lied" somehow to "dupe" them into seeing something good in me. As for trying to help me, God help them. I hate myself too.

Kind of sums it up for me. I don't understand how people can think of themselves in any other way? I think nothing of myself and I have no idea where I'm going with this, but noone really says much to me other than at work, and then it's mostly customers yelling at me. At home it's only me. I wish I could be helpful. Sorry

 

[cragger65]

Don't be sorry Cypher, it helps just knowing I'm not the only one to feel this way sometimes. Today was better. I hope you have a better day tomorrow too.

Dave

 

[Cindy]

We are so hard on ourselves.

I know I do hold myself to the 'highest' standard of all. I do hate myself a lot of the time but try to stuff it away and ignore it. It does leak out on occasion though.

One thing I do for myself on occasion that always help me to re-align my thinking and perceptions of the human me is to gather quotes or affirmations. I usually buy the 50 - 75% off calenders this time of year to gather the quotes.

I stick these affirmations where I will run into them for a few days frequently. Just one at a time. Carry it in my pocket or calender. Leave it near my computer screen, bathroom sink, head board of the bed. Visor in the car over the driver seat.

I try to keep it simple. Just one at a time.

Monarch sorry to hear you are out there skiing on the slopes. Just take it one mogul at a time and steer clear of the ice.

Cindy

 

[Monarch]

Thank everyone...I think self hate is something we can all understand, which is a bummer of course. How many of us get to hear "I love you" everyday? Maybe that is what we need to do even here, even to people that are just your friends here. It probably sounds a little weird but alot of us are isolationists and for someone to say "I love you" is something that can provide hope, which we all know is important. I am lucky that i have little kids and a wonderful husband that tell me that everyday, I have a hard time accepting it but it does provide me hope which keeps me here on Earth.

It sucks to be back in the flashback cycle but it is what it is and I have enough coping mechanisms to keep it from getting out of control. Sleep is my biggest enemy right now, I am very vulnerable during that time but I cope.

I hope everyone else is well and I love you all ;)