Self-inflicted Pain And Screaming Kids (trigger Warning)

[Rosalia]

I'm having a bit of a rough time. Earlier this week I was completely cut off by someone I cared about. I'd spent all month talking to him for hours at a time practically every day, and I've become a bit unhinged. I'd been doing well with therapy, was even hoping that I'd be done with it soon, but it's clear now that I'm nowhere close. After he cut me off, everything collapsed and I couldn't think straight. All I could feel was pain and I could barely move. I haven't attempted to hurt myself in ages, but as I cried I decided to dig my fingernails into my leg and drag them across my skin. The pain immediately went away.

I'm not suicidal, I guess. I'm too much of a wimp to kill myself. The idea of becoming nothing absolutely terrifies me. But there's something beautiful about pain, self-inflicted pain, that I find soothing. I have really sensitive skin, so it doesn't take to much for me to feel it. I used to cut myself, but I had to build up to getting myself to bleed. I kinda miss it. I'd worked hard to get myself away from it, and to be honest, I still don't fully understand why. The nurses and doctors told me it was unhealthy so I stopped, but they never quite explained to my satisfaction why it was wrong. I miss my system, the clean lines across my skin and the sweet sting of isopropyl alcohol as I cleaned them. My lines.

I've been crashing with a friend who has an adorable 1 1/2 year old daughter and she's a doll, but when she cries she sets me off. Her temper tantrums remind me of my sisters' screams as my father beat us and I used to be good at not letting it get to me, but lately it goes right through me. This morning I curled on the couch, cradling the pillow and spacing off as she screamed. It did not feel okay.

I'm so tired.

(I should clarify, I'll be seeing my therapist on Monday, so I will be able to talk this out and I'll probably stop. I hope this doesn't upset anyone.)

 

[Pietro]

Losing connections with people -- especially those we come to rely on for support, or who help us to validate ourselves -- can trigger all kinds of horrible feelings.

Breaking-up with a girlfriend, a few years ago, was what finally convinced me that something beyond sadness over the breakup was wrong with me. The relationship hadn't even been that great. ;) But I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I've since learned an enormous amount about why I reacted that way, and, hopefully, have made some progress on this issue. But, I put this to the test, yet. I don't think you ever know how you're going to feel about something like this until it happens.

 

[nomedic1]

Sound gets to me too when I am at my worst, I run its me and the road, no noise, no thoughts , just one step at a time, sort of how we have to be.