I'm not sure where to begin here.. I'm 100% uncomfortable telling anybody what happened to me in exact detail, because I've never heard of it happening to anyone before. I joined this forum see if there are people who have done things they had no perception of, and then regretted it deeply.
When I was 10/11 years old, I stumbled upon some sick pornography sites. Extremely graphic, vomit inducing stuff. This was all completely by accident. Since I had no real idea of what "normal" sexuality was...I took this stuff seriously, and curiously, tried to recreate some of the things I saw. When reality faced me and I learned that these things were certainly not normal, and for the most part extremely unsanitary, I lost my mind. Outside of the horrific images I have to deal with every now and again, the hardest part for me has been trying to live among the rest of society. I feel like a walking plague because of things I did in the past.
The only peace I get is knowing that it wasn't completely my fault. Like I said, these ideals were implanted in me at an early and vulnerable age. I also get a feeling of relief knowing that I'm going to eventually die along with these memories. Taking my secrets to the grave;) The only reason I haven't committed suicide is due to my small, but loving and supportive family. They are aware of my social anxiety and rough upbringing, but have absolutely no idea about my PTSD. It hurts me when they give me a tough time for something, as any outlandish behavior in my life usually stems from this.
I have much more to tell(OCD/social anxiety/rough home life,waning future, ect ect ect ect....), but I will save it for later! Writing about these things in a public space gives me a huge amount of relief alone. I'm sorry if my story confuses or disturbs anybody who reads it. Thank you.
When I was 10/11 years old, I stumbled upon some sick pornography sites. Extremely graphic, vomit inducing stuff. This was all completely by accident. Since I had no real idea of what "normal" sexuality was...I took this stuff seriously, and curiously, tried to recreate some of the things I saw. When reality faced me and I learned that these things were certainly not normal, and for the most part extremely unsanitary, I lost my mind. Outside of the horrific images I have to deal with every now and again, the hardest part for me has been trying to live among the rest of society. I feel like a walking plague because of things I did in the past.
The only peace I get is knowing that it wasn't completely my fault. Like I said, these ideals were implanted in me at an early and vulnerable age. I also get a feeling of relief knowing that I'm going to eventually die along with these memories. Taking my secrets to the grave;) The only reason I haven't committed suicide is due to my small, but loving and supportive family. They are aware of my social anxiety and rough upbringing, but have absolutely no idea about my PTSD. It hurts me when they give me a tough time for something, as any outlandish behavior in my life usually stems from this.
I have much more to tell(OCD/social anxiety/rough home life,waning future, ect ect ect ect....), but I will save it for later! Writing about these things in a public space gives me a huge amount of relief alone. I'm sorry if my story confuses or disturbs anybody who reads it. Thank you.
