Self Sabotage...?

[fyredrift23]

Hello All,

I'm not really sure what I am asking, but I know I'm having a problem with the issue of "self-sabotage."
I went to this magazine website (Psychology Today) and read an article listing 10 possible signs that one may have a fear of failure. I identified with about half of them:

1) Failing makes you worry about what other people think about you.
2) Failing makes you worry about how smart or capable you are.
3) You tend to tell people beforehand that you don't expect to succeed in order to lower their expectations.
-----(I avoid committing, or saying I'm gonna do something, or making a goal, because I doubt being able to really carry it out. I don't want to disappoint others.)
4) Once you fail at something, you have trouble imagining what you could have done differently to succeed.
5) Failing makes you worry about your ability to pursue the future you desire.

Now, in therapy, my T recently mentioned how I'm displaying forms of self-sabotage whether or not I was consciously aware of it. I'm currently working on applying to grad schools, and most of my applications are due by December 31st. I still haven't fully narrowed my list down, and this was something I said I would do by the middle of October. I'm getting close to finalizing everything, but I'm still floundering and feeling really scared and nervous about the whole process.

I'm so pissed off about all of this crap! I'm so tired of getting in my own way :mad:

I want to go to grad school so badly, but I get so full of doubt and uncertainty. I feel like I have so much work to do in such a short amount of time. I don't really feel like I can handle it all myself, and I'm going to need lots of outside help. This just makes me feel even more incompetent and weak. I can't even fill out some stupid grad forms?? I'm not working, I have all the time in the world. This is so frustrating because I don't understand why I'm not moving forward with something that I actually want to do.

Has anyone ever identified with one of the failure signs listed? Or any other signs for that matter? Does this make sense to any of you? Have any of you all struggled with self-sabotage? Or had your T note how you "get in your own way" and prevent yourself from reaching your goals? I feel like I'm behaving in such an illogical and stupid manner, and it's driving me insane! :bawling: I wish I'd just quit being so damn scared already and just do what I have to do!! :arghh;

 

[Abstract]

If only it were that easy to just stop being scared! Especially with PTSD.

To me fear of failure is essentially about perfectionism. Something I used to have truck loads of but that I now have a few buckets of. ;) It took a lot of work but it is possible to change it.

Now I am in a situation where I am almost constantly frozen in time and making my life a mess but with much work on this I know it is way more than perfectionism. It seems to mostly be free floating reasonless fear. I think it is about old stuff from long ago rather than anything as logical as perfectionism.

I think it is very similar to a freeze response for me. What I have discovered is that more pressure I put on myself, the more punitive and self bullying I am or the more I judge myself, the more the fear and self hatred increases and the more I freeze up. The progress I have made has been as a result of totally switching it around and trying :meh: to be patient and understanding with myself. To do anything I can to take the pressure off.

The are a lot of techniques you can also use that might help you get past procrastination. Good luck!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have lost every job, my repeated attempts at further education, all my friendships (apart from one stubborn friend who's always there for me no matter what), even every hobby and past-time through self-sabotage and what's worst is now I'm too scared to try anything. I have one thing left - playing the piano, which I self-teach and am not great at - I don't want lessons because if I do it will make it's way into the pile of things I cannot do and take away the last thing I get any enjoyment from - which is still rarely as I don't want to pressure myself too much and will have to no longer enjoy it. I know it shouldn't be this way, but it is and I don't know how to get past it. I realise this isn't a helpful post, but at least you're not alone. Good luck

 

[ninja]

@fyredrift23 Yes, I struggle with fear of failure quite a lot, and feel much like a failure for fearing it. I wish I had more to say, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

 

[fyredrift23]

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone. It truly means a lot to me :)

What I have discovered is that more pressure I put on myself, the more punitive and self bullying I am or the more I judge myself, the more the fear and self hatred increases and the more I freeze up. The progress I have made has been as a result of totally switching it around and trying :meh: to be patient and understanding with myself. To do anything I can to take the pressure off.

Wow, well said, Abstract. I completely agree with your method of handling these stressors. I'm glad you have been able to take it easier on yourself, even if it did take some work! I'm keeping this in mind during my recovery.

@Kas_Can_Fly I'm so sorry you have had to struggle with self-sabotage so much :( I really wish you the best in your healing, and, I don't know if it will help, but in this post, I'm recommending a book I'm checking out that has really been clearing up a lot of this mess for me.

@Ninja It is nice to know I'm not alone, but I do feel for you :(

I started to delve into this topic more with my T. I've also started reading a book that I hope will help me understand the general topic of self-sabotage itself ("When Misery Is Company" by Anne Katherine, M.A.").
Thanks again for your help, everyone, and I hope this book can be of assistance to anyone else out there :tup:

 

[Britt.f7]

I do that nearly all the time with various aspects of my life, school, work, weight. The only thing I believe I haven't sabotaged is my family(kids). That is probably not without trying. My therapist thinks we go with what is familiar to us. Because it is comfortable. I am trying to break through that comfort. Not an easy task.

I wish strength and luck to you!