Self-sabotage

[BrownLea12]

As I’ve begun digging deeper, I’ve noticed the self-sabotaging behaviors return. Does anyone else have any struggles with this? The worst part is, having gone through therapy before, the fact that I KNOW this time what it is. The stopping the meds for no good reason. The picking up of old habits, old coping mechanisms I know aren’t good. The hardest thing this time is it’s not just me. I have a family to think about. I worry about pulling away from those who love me most, but it’s like I just can’t stand their concern. It makes no sense. I’ve never overtly harmed myself (I.e. cutting, burning, etc), but I tend to do other things to place my body and self in harm’s way.

 

[Innordinate]

ive basically lived in cycles between self-sabotaging and getting my shit together my entire life.
I'm almost 33.
i can see myself doing it.... dont know how to stop it completely though.
good news is: the way i self-sabotage seems to be getting milder and doesn't last as long as it used to but i don't really think it will ever stop.

im told it does/can but :meh:
kinda just trying to accept i go in spurts now.

 

[PreciousChild]

I've had narcissism on the mind because I've been wondering if my bf's son is developing it as a reaction to parenting. So though you don't at all seem to show any trait of narcissism, I'm just going to use that as a framework because I have it fresh in mind. Apparently, self-sabotage is a trait of narcissists. What I reckon is that if the narcissist can sabotage himself, then at least he's controlling it, kind of like someone cutting. Then he never has to confront actual rejection and criticism about his competence by real people in actual reality. Of course, the truth is probably that he's fine and may have minor adjustments to make, but a narcissist cannot admit to even small flaws without have to smash down the whole facade. In terms of insecurity about competence, I can definitely relate to that. What I did was never get enough for my parents. But my childhood survival depended on achievement, so I'm not prone to sabotage myself. I overcompensate and push through until I drop.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think narcism always has to be present. It's common with addictions, fear, etc etc. Maybe even a severe IC, or overwhelm.

 

[hithere]

"Self-Sabotaging" is also called Masochism. I was reading that in the arguments about naming the diagnosis for DSM-V that it was argued by the feminists to not call it masochism, as it makes it sound like women (but also men do this too) want to be abused and in these relationships. It isn't just being in these crazy relationships that no normal person would be in, it also concerns careers and just every day stuff. The list is endless.

For me, my whole healing trajectory with ptsd changed last year when I finally told my attorney things that I had dealt with and experienced as a child and teen. My attorney who was both a prosecuting attorney and then 40 years in family law, said to me, "HiThere, you need to get help. This is where masochism comes from. I see these women and men in my family law practice and what it does to their adult relationships." When he said "masochism" it hit my like brick in my gut. I knew he was right.

I then started to pursue any information about it. There isn't much current information, but Freud was very interested in it and said it was common in both men and women. A person who goes out of their way to help someone else with their work project or school project while neglecting their own, etc. It is self-sabotaging. I have done it over and over. I have done things right when I succeeded, right at the pinnacle, to cause me to then be cast down in a pit of despair. From what I have learned it is a "bonding to suffering" - I've attached one of the few articles I found about it in case you or anyone may bee interested in it.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330316/pdf/51.pdf

 

[BrownLea12]

ive basically lived in cycles between self-sabotaging and getting my shit together my entire life.
I'm almost 33.
i can see myself doing it.... dont know how to stop it completely though.
good news is: the way i self-sabotage seems to be getting milder.

then

Yes- I completely feel you on this. And I am a lot milder this time around. Just been rough with coming back for round two of facing some unresolved trauma.

I don't think narcism always has to be present. It's common with addictions, fear, etc etc. Maybe even a severe IC, or overwhelm.

just

It seems to be a response to being overwhelmed. I think sometimes it is fearing success. Those of us who have been abused start to equate love with abuse, and when there’s no one else around to do it, we abuse ourselves to feel something. Narcissism, in my opinion, exists when there is no self-insight into the behavior and it is self-preservation at all costs, not self-sabotage.

I am going to look into the masochist info a little more. I’ve always joked about it, but maybe there’s some truth there!

 

[Mee]

Self sabotage for me is I believe to avoid the fear of holding myself accountable if nothing else is restricting me. It’s a manifestation of lack of self care and love and most of all trust.

Masochism is not the same imo, for me. Masochism as in BDSM is an attempt to experience somatically something internal. For sometime I remained open minded about this as a practice which I have enjoyed. I now believe it’s not healthy for ME and facilitates trauma bonding within some communities and relationships.
I’m not going near narcissism again right now, the recent thread upset my fragile approximation to equilibrium; but we almost all self sabotage sometimes. Nobody is perfect. Aiming to be perfect from recovery or expecting it from others is an impossibility and disordered thinking in itself. Knowing where to draw our lines in others and to recognise and correct and forgive our inevitable flaws our the skills we must acquire and hone.

 

[Friday]

Masochism is not the same imo, for me.

Agreed.

I would expect that masochistic tendencies CAN be self sabotaging, but it’s not synonymous. As not all -or even most- kinds of self sabotage are masochistic, nor are all masochists self-sabotaging.

Just one of those important distinctions to make... like just because someone uses food or exercise to self harm? Doesn’t make them inherently harmful.

 

[anthony]

@hithere I have added the link to the public domain document, a requirement for you to attach that here. Please read such public domain site terms before attaching journal documents. They are often allowed to be shared (non-paid, public journals), but come with the terms they must be cited (linked), or you are in breach of copyright.

 

[hithere]

thank you--

 

[Skywatcher]

Self sabotage for me is like when someone is on a diet and they try just one bag of chips and don’t notice any harm. Next day, they add chips and ice-cream... then it builds into a dieting disaster rather quickly.
It starts with giving up walking my dog. The next day it turns into no dog, no meditation... Basically, my maintenance tools go out the window. From there I realize I need grounding so I do something stupid like self harm instead of a positive type.

 

[Mach123]

It's the whole thing in a nutshell. I see it as subconscious mostly which is why talking and even thinking differently won't work. (IMHO) There is a subconcious program in there and it loads up and runs. I see it and I know it and I knew it before I was diagnosed. It led me to getting diagnosed. It was that or it was over because living through it over and over is just too painful.

It's still there. It's better but when I act it manifests. Otherwise I try and stay quiet because when I talk to people, I do it.

It reminds me of a poster I saw in a therapist office, I wish I'd taken it lol. It said "Do you know anyone with failure to floruish? it might be childhood trauma.". It's still better to know it. It's hard to live with it though.