Session Today Made Me Question Myself

[mytai]

I saw my T today. She noticed the bruises on my arms pretty much right away, she asked me what happened. I told her that I didn't remember anything, which is the truth. We ended up getting onto the topic of me having a male co-worker over to my house. I actually socialized with someone, which hasn't happened in a long time. My T asked if I was attracted to him, I told her no (which I'm not), that I didn't ever want to date, get married, and if I could I would have my tubes tied. She validated those feelings, I really appreciated that because I don't have that kind of support behind that in my life - my family expects me to date a guy, get married, and have kids.

After the session with my T I really began to question if I'm truly attracted to men at all anymore. The quick answer is no. The long answer is no, but I am sometimes, or more accurately I'm attracted to the protective side that some men provide. I have no desire to have sex with a man, it's not that I don't think about it, but it disgusts me because it makes me think of all the abuse. I can't say I've ever looked at a woman and been sexually attracted to her, but I'm really beginning to question my sexuality. I've never had that problem before.

I really thought about this a lot today after my session with her. In the church I used to attend (stopped going because I work Sundays) it was a sin to have a same sex partner. People in my church have such strong negative opinions about homosexuality, and I've always struggled internally to share those opinions, outwardly I felt in order to be accepted by the church I had to appear to have the same views on the topic. My internal conflict stems from a few different things. First of all, I still have friends in that church and if I were attracted to women, and chose to ever pursue that, then I would most likely lose all those connections. I know some of you will say that they weren't truly friends then, or I don't need people like that in my life, but I've been through a lot with these people and the few I'm still connected to have helped me enormously. Second, some of my family, my parents would be fully accepting (my concern doesn't lie with them), but my grandparents... the one side is very against it, the other can be just downright hurtful with insensitive comments. I know it isn't their life, it's mine, and I need to live it for me, but their opinions still effect me, and weigh on my mind.

So I don't know one way or another, but this is the first time I've ever even remotely questioned my sexuality. Scary in a way for me, not that I see being attracted to the same sex as something negative, but questioning something I never used to doubt is scary. I don't know whether I should talk to my T about this or not. I know she would be a great support if nothing else. I just don't know how to bring it up, or if it is even worth bringing up or it is just something I need to discover on my own.

Advice? Comments? Personal experience?

 

[mrsps]

I would talk to your T about this, she is there to help you and guide you through any troubles you have. If you cant find the words to tell her write it down. I am sure you will feel a lot better after telling her and talking it through.

In regards to being judged etc by friends and family, yes it is difficult but at the end of the day you need to be happy. If you are not doing what makes you happy because you are afraid of others and you want them to be happy then that's not fair on you! You may be surprised how others feel about same sex relationships, people may be more accepting than you think!
Take care :)

 

[mytai]

@mrsps, people do surprise me sometimes. I know I wouldn't really have to worry about my parents accepting it if this were the case (again I don't know, in the questioning phase right now), but it is outright blatant comments from other family towards same sex relationships. I don't think they would be accepting and I don't want to rock the boat in the family. It comes down to how I was raised, I was taught to be the peace maker, I've been the peace maker, I do what's asked and expected of me and I try not to cause waves. As for church friends, I feel like some would outright stop communicating with me right off the bat, and others would pull away until no relationship existed anymore. Again I'm basing my concerns off of comments and conversations I've had or been around involving the topic of same sex relationships.

Side note. My parents have a friend (that is like another parent to me) that has had a sibling who committed suicide, and also has a religious lesbian sister. I feel like he would be a potentially good person to communicate with. No one outside of my health care team knows I attempted suicide at the end of February - I don't know if I should tell him or not, I've been debating bringing it up. I wouldn't want my parents to ever know, I feel like it might be unreasonable to ask him to keep this between us when my parents are extremely close to him and his wife.

 

[seekingstability]

I agree with the above comment. I haven't had this experience but have counselled a close friend of mine through a Female to Male transition. We met when we were 18 on a missions trip to Africa so VERY Christian.

The thing is - knowledge is power. The more study I did - the more I understood - the more empowered I became to support my friend and be the first person she told about her feelings and her desires. He is now very well on his path to complete gender re-assignment and I couldn't be prouder and happier to stand by his side.

He has lost family and pretty much all of our friends but he has made new, more honest relationships while on his journey. In fact - he's now married to a girl that worked at the mission that we stayed at for 5 months. I think Christians have a really bad rep with regard to sexuality - and rightly so. But some of us are open and educated and don't believe that homosexuality is in any way a sin.

I hope all the best for you on this journey.

 

[mytai]

Hey @paidfor, believe me I know not all Christians are judgemental or against homosexuality. But this specific church I belonged to and my friends still belong to are blatantly against it - they teach against it. Not hate, especially no where near the extent of the Westboro Baptist group, but they aren't what I personally consider tolerant.

 

[seekingstability]

:) The mission I was in was YWAM - they teach against it too. I'm not saying that its going to be easy. And please don't think I'm offended because I'm not. Christians with those attitudes offend me. :)

 

[Ryn]

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this post, @mytai. I feel like I could've written 95% of it, seriously! I am in almost exactly the same place, and have the same feelings in nearly every aspect you mention. I'm sorry I don't have more advice to offer, but I do think from what I've heard about your T she could be a great support for you in this.

Please feel free to PM me if you would ever like to delve further into this issue or want to talk to someone in a similar situation. I can't say I have any answers but as always I would love to listen and support in any way I can.

I hope your new kitties are settling in well, and that you are doing all right. Have been thinking a lot about you. :hug:'s if you want them!

 

[Jane.l]

I don't think it's uncommon for someone with ptsd from sexual abuse to question their sexuality , I change around a lot with mine. I think it's partly just that sex and sexual attraction and sexual desire sometimes doesn't sit well with us -,nothing feels quite right. I go through times of feeling guilty and shamed that I should want any kind of sexual relationship. It seems wrong to be able to enjoy it - after everything ....

Although not in a relationship right now I have excepted that I might be bi sexual and I look at it that, I am attracted to the person, not their gender . Hope your T can help you unravel this .

 

[shimmerz]

began to question if I'm truly attracted to men at all anymore. The quick answer is no. The long answer is no, but I am sometimes, or more accurately I'm attracted to the protective side that some men provide.

I went through this stage exactly for about 7 years. I am now with a man (SO) who is protective and kind and understanding. The problem was with me that I doubted that I could find a male that I trusted. I still have fears regarding my SO although he has truly shown me that he is there for me and understands me as well as one can who does not have ptsd. I had quite a few things to deal with in those 7 years however and put myself into a ton of positions that were unsafe. I found that it was getting to trust in myself that I could find an appropriate partner that was not toxic to me. In the meanwhile, I assuaged my need for the male protective side (male energy) by having many close platonic male friends.

I too thought about swinging to the 'other side' with females, but couldn't as I am the mother of three boys and this goes against everything I believe about being a proper role model for them and felt this would cause them angst. I don't think it would have been true to myself anyways, just a way of avoiding the problems with male relationships I had (have?). It was such a trapped feeling. I feel for you. Just my thoughts. I am not sure if it helps at all.

 

[jmni]

I think it would be wrong to obey the church's teachings at some expense to yourself because you feared being alone or rejection in theory, but all of your misgivings sound realistic and you have other needs as well besides sexual needs.

That comes down to a choice you would have to make but if you wanted to do it don't hinder yourself because of the church, imo. Once I heard someone say that in order to improve her sexual life she first had to become her own perfect lover. I do not know what that entailed but the concept sounded appealing.

You know a few years ago I was very sexually different than I am now so I think that you will find the answers you are looking for. But I also think that sex really isn't an answer to anything. Perhaps that could help you, but I think that whether you do or don't do it, the solution probably lies inside of you and not in a connection to another person.

 

[jmni]

Obviously sex can be closely tied in to feelings of anger and depression. It's difficult to explore the subconscious and it might seem very obvious to you why you are not attracted to men and do not want to connect to them sexually. But in another way those feelings and thoughts control our acts in a way that is not as obvious to us, but if we take some time to think of it it can seem like a no-brainer. @mytai Although it may seem completely off base, I think that losing the ability to trust others, takes away the ability to hope on a soulful level. I just think that rather than sexual, it might actually be an intimacy issue.

 

[mytai]

@Jane.l, this is the first time in my life I've ever questioned my sexuality. I've always been attracted to men even if I wasn't interested in dating them. But now I'm not sure.

@jmni, it definitely is an intimacy issue. I've told my T that I don't want to be in an emotionally intimate relationship with anyone. I'm actually afraid of being close with anyone. It's not about the sex necessarily, it's more of the fact I've been in very close relationships with men before and I've never been happy and always been slightly scared.