Relationship Setting Kind Boundaries Now

[Anon1]

Hi everyone!

Just here for a little wisdom again.

It’s been a tough week this week.

I really, really struggled at the start of the week (and last weekend), but had a great therapy session early in the week.

By the end of it, I felt like I was starting to properly grieve the relationship I’ve just lost.

I’ve been reading a lot of stories on here, and I’ve kinda realised... people with CPTSD are incredible, and I have so much respect and actual admiration for all of them. Especially when people find ways to keep flourishing, and living a great life with solid relationships etc (and even when they don’t, when people try, it’s just amazing).

But I found a certain peace in detaching from this relationship, because I realised how hard it’d be; and that it could be hard for decades.
I want to marry, and I don’t want to divorce. So I want to be wise in committing to something that I have the capacity for, and this person’s condition does seem pretty severe.

They messaged yesterday, which I reallly didn’t expect. They’ve kind of been ‘kind but a bit distant’ with me, and I figured they were detaching. They’re now starting conversations again etc.

I still love, like and care for them, and I find it hard because it sorta tempts me to see a future here again (but I think it’s an illusion).

I also know what they’ve been through, I’ve held them while they cry over things that they deeply regret where CPTSD has led to them missing out in life.

And I don’t want to be a source of anguish, anxiety and regret for them.

I also don’t want to run back just because they’ve decided to talk to me… I don’t think they were blanking me to be mean before, I just think it’s hard to know how to handle communication with an ex.

It was still really hard for me though.

I’ve often felt like I’m in an impossible situation, where if I set a boundary they’ll feel deeply rejected and ghost me, but if I don’t they’ll take a little too much and won’t respect me.

I haven’t messaged for a few hours now, because I don’t want to send the message that they can come and go at will, while I wait by the phone for their breadcrumbs; but I also don’t want to send the message that I don’t care, or that they’re unimportant to me, because I value them a great deal.

How can I be kind, gentle and safe for them, without pulling myself back into a situation which just kinda… takes us back around in a cycle which probably won’t end that well; and how can I create a soft landing for them, while not giving it my ‘reserved for a partner‘-type emotional energy?

And how can I care for them in a way that they’ll understand, while not putting myself in a position to be disrespected?

If I could be a platonic friend to them, I would; but I’m not sure one - or both - of us can really do that right now…

Any ideas would help!

 

[Ecdysis]

Someone with PTSD may be using 90% of their brain to cope with their condition. With the remaining 10% they may be seeking/ craving contact and care and support.

IMO you need to be clear that 10% isn't going to be enough for you.

If the contact drops to 0%, your ex may ramp up the "connection" behaviour - reaching out, being nice, paying attention - so that he can get back to the 10% level he's comfortable with.

Try not to get drawn into it... Your brain will interpret it as an attempt to connect "properly" and you'll over-invest.

 

[Anon1]

Someone with PTSD may be using 90% of their brain to cope with their condition. With the remaining 10% they may be seeking/ craving contact and care and support.

IMO you need to be clear that 10% isn't going to be enough for you.

If the contact drops to 0%, your ex may ramp up the "connection" behaviour - reaching out, being nice, paying attention - so that he can get back to the 10% level he's comfortable with.

Try not to get drawn into it... Your brain will interpret it as an attempt to connect "properly" and you'll over-invest.

This is helpful. As always, this forum is a source of ‘cold water realism’!

I edited the post a little since you replied (sorry!), but I think the things you’ve said still apply.

Theyve said they feel like their CPTSD is clearing, and that they feel quite level headed at the moment.

But it’s hard to know if they’re calling it accurately or not.

I know that when I’ve had garden variety depression or anxiety, it’s pretty hard to know if I’m getting better.

Mental health is - by it’s nature - disruptive to sound judgement… so… yeah… it’s hard to know what comes from a legitimate place and what doesn’t…

 

[arfie]

I still love, like and care for them, and I find it hard because it sorta tempts me to see a future here again (but I think it’s an illusion).

i don't care to do the research, but i believe 100% of the romantics in my life call the 44 year love affair i've had with my husband an illusion. these would be the folks who keep both hubby and i well supplied in divorce lawyer referrals. though here in our second parenting career, a few of the new generation of romantics are starting to ask if we give classes.

i am a child sex trafficking survivor. when i started my recovery in 1972, i had plenty of evidence that recovery would be a lifelong affair. at 69 years of age, i still experience psychotic episodes rooted in the child sex trafficking of the 60's. my husband's family was successfully modeled after "leave it to beaver," so hubby often gets painted as the saint of the partnership. he often teases, "i love you in spite of my perfections."

methinks our mutual dislike of lawyers is the only reason we are still married. we have lived separately for enough of those 44 years that we had ample opportunities to do that do. do we have a future? dunno. . . still taking ^it^ one day at a time. for today, i'll take the honest, personalized nature of our relationship over any of more traditionally partnered folks i know, even the newlyweds of whatever age.

dunno if this has anything to do with your case, or not.
just sharing.
steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

A very wise person on here told me that boundaires don't hurt other people. Still blows my mind that one.

It's really difficult balancing not wanting to hurt someone and staying true to yourself. I'm doing that dance with my mother at the moment, so I get the bind (although a very different bind).

But you do exactly that. You engage in the relationship in the way that works for you. Or you leave the relationship. Or that decision is made for you.
If setting boundaries means the other person walks away. That tells you they can't give you what you need. It's not hurting them. It's highlighting their limitations (not said judgementally, just fact that there are limitations in all relationships).
.if you're worried about setting boundaries because of what you think the consequence will be (them leaving) then you are putting either their needs first (not healthy) and/or negating yours (also not healthy). . it's for him to decide what he wants in the face of your boundaires.

You're not obliged to text back.
You're not obliged to text back until you want to. Whether that's right now, or next week.

All of the above is a long winded way to say: you're not responsible for his wellbeing. He is. And you also can't save people.

 

[Anon1]

i don't care to do the research, but i believe 100% of the romantics in my life call the 44 year love affair i've had with my husband an illusion. these would be the folks who keep both hubby and i well supplied in divorce lawyer referrals. though here in our second parenting career, a few of the new generation of romantics are starting to ask if we give classes.

i am a child sex trafficking survivor. when i started my recovery in 1972, i had plenty of evidence that recovery would be a lifelong affair. at 69 years of age, i still experience psychotic episodes rooted in the child sex trafficking of the 60's. my husband's family was successfully modeled after "leave it to beaver," so hubby often gets painted as the saint of the partnership. he often teases, "i love you in spite of my perfections."

methinks our mutual dislike of lawyers is the only reason we are still married. we have lived separately for enough of those 44 years that we had ample opportunities to do that do. do we have a future? dunno. . . still taking ^it^ one day at a time. for today, i'll take the honest, personalized nature of our relationship over any of more traditionally partnered folks i know, even the newlyweds of whatever age.

dunno if this has anything to do with your case, or not.
just sharing.
steadying support while you find what works for you.

I’d love to talk to someone like yourself, and hear more about your story.

It sounds redemptive, and challenging, and full of alive-ness (rather than something which is only comfortable and a bit numb).

I just don’t know if I’m resilient enough to turn over in my double bed one day and see that they’re not there, because they’ve disappeared again. Or to roll with the sharp comments that catch me off guard and hit me in the stomach. I’d love kids, and I don’t know if it’s a stable enough set up to bring them up in, so that they become healthy young adults.

I‘m full of questions about it all.

But the biggest feeling of all, is that I’m not sure if I can go back and relive the way the relationship was.

It sucked my confidence and left me feeling skittish.
I felt competitiveness and insecurity from them.
If I was telling a funny story to their friends, I sort of felt them next to me looking sullen.
If I gave an opinion and they were triggered, I felt their love and support sort of withdraw.

Even today, it’s been on my mind that I haven’t replied for a few hours, and I feel sorta anxious about it - even though they’ve ignored messages from me without any comment.
Because my need feels like more of a preference, and their need feels like it could send them into a spiral and wreck the relationship (or friendship) at any time.

They used to check up on my internet profiles when they were feeling insecure, and they really weren’t shy about saying what they wanted - which often felt like it involved me ‘towing the line’ to ensure they felt safe enough to stay in contact.

I don’t mind helping them out one bit, but their need felt like a big black hole that I could chuck all of my energy into without it ever filling the sense of emptiness.

I felt pretty spent…

Some people’s CPTSD relationships sound full of mutual love and support, even if there’s a serious mental health condition which hinders it sometimes… this often felt draining and full of conflict.

They really, genuinely are a good person. They really are. A great person, actually.

But if the condition never improved, I think it’d turn me into a shell, and I’m not sure that I could just ‘set a boundary’ and ignore them when they were unreasonable without it affecting me eventually.

Because I guess I feel like the sort of sensitive person who’ll give my heart to someone and need them to treasure it… I think they’d really want to… but… based on what I’ve experienced so far… it doesn’t feel very emotionally safe for me…

 

[Anon1]

A very wise person on here told me that boundaires don't hurt other people. Still blows my mind that one.

It's really difficult balancing not wanting to hurt someone and staying true to yourself. I'm doing that dance with my mother at the moment, so I get the bind (although a very different bind).

But you do exactly that. You engage in the relationship in the way that works for you. Or you leave the relationship. Or that decision is made for you.
If setting boundaries means the other person walks away. That tells you they can't give you what you need. It's not hurting them. It's highlighting their limitations (not said judgementally, just fact that there are limitations in all relationships).
.if you're worried about setting boundaries because of what you think the consequence will be (them leaving) then you are putting either their needs first (not healthy) and/or negating yours (also not healthy). . it's for him to decide what he wants in the face of your boundaires.

You're not obliged to text back.
You're not obliged to text back until you want to. Whether that's right now, or next week.

All of the above is a long winded way to say: you're not responsible for his wellbeing. He is. And you also can't save people.

Yeah, that’s really helpful.

I could do with practicing the shift from
’I really love this person and want them to stay. I know they’re hurting so I’ll make up the shortfall so that they can‘
to
‘I really love this person and want them to stay. I know they’re hurting, so I’ll look after my needs and hope that they‘re able to look after their own. Then it might be safe for us both to stay, and if it is, I will. And if it isn’t, I can’t - and neither should they.‘

That does take practice though, and a bit of mental discipline so that I don’t slip into untrue thought patterns.

 

[arfie]

I think they’d really want to… but… based on what I’ve experienced so far…

one theory which has been proposed for why our ptsd marriage outlasted most "normal" marriages within our social circle is that we had no choice but to customize. not a single one of the standardized models would have worked for us and we did not even attempt to follow one.

it doesn’t feel very emotionally safe for me…

whether you choose to end the relationship or keep working it out, do, do, do pay attention to that need for emotional safety on both sides of the eggshell pile. when either one of us feels emotionally unsafe, we increase our social distances until we can find our safe boundaries. we treat boundaries like flexible agreements which change with circumstances and personal needs. inflexible boundaries are barriers which block solutions while creating more stress than they alleviate.

 

[Anon1]

one theory which has been proposed for why our ptsd marriage outlasted most "normal" marriages within our social circle is that we had no choice but to customize. not a single one of the standardized models would have worked for us and we did not even attempt to follow one.

whether you choose to end the relationship or keep working it out, do, do, do pay attention to that need for emotional safety on both sides of the eggshell pile. when either one of us feels emotionally unsafe, we increase our social distances until we can find our safe boundaries. we treat boundaries like flexible agreements which change with circumstances and personal needs. inflexible boundaries are barriers which block solutions while creating more stress than they alleviate.

Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate them!

So - what made you stick with it?
They must really be the one!

 

[arfie]

what made you stick with it?

i didn't "stick with it." i lived my life, wandering where i needed when i needed. hubby lived his (he's not so much of a wanderer) and life kept bringing us back together for the family and personal needs. the most recent was for the protection of our grandchildren. both parents died in 2019.

They must really be the one!

only in the sense that i doubt i would have ever remarried. once is more than enough for my taste. i don't much admire the current romantic fashion of ex-collecting. if i can't work it out with number one, i doubt i can work it out with the next ex, either. personally, i don't even care to try. once is enough.

side note:
as a child prostitute, i took note that if a jane had romance novels/mags on her coffee table, her john would have a porno collection somewhere. my cognitive link between romance and sexual perversion is quite intense. romance scares the unholies out of me.

 

[Anon1]

i didn't "stick with it." i lived my life, wandering where i needed when i needed. hubby lived his (he's not so much of a wanderer) and life kept bringing us back together for the family and personal needs. the most recent was for the protection of our grandchildren. both parents died in 2019.

only in the sense that i doubt i would have ever remarried. once is more than enough for my taste. i don't much admire the current romantic fashion of ex-collecting. if i can't work it out with number one, i doubt i can work it out with the next ex, either. personally, i don't even care to try. once is enough.

side note:
as a child prostitute, i took note that if a jane had romance novels/mags on her coffee table, her john would have a porno collection somewhere. my cognitive link between romance and sexual perversion is quite intense. romance scares the unholies out of me.

Sorry for your loss in 2019!

Well, I hear you.
One thing I’ve loved about being on this forum, is hearing about how people just kinda… ‘work it out’ somehow, and how people find ways to make things work for them.
It shows that these things don’t have to follow ’the normal rules’.

It sounds as though my ex‘s story may have similarities with yours.
They shared things with me that I had to take a while to process, and I had to try to adapt the way that I see the world - their experience was not good…
(One difference to you though, is that they seem to have a deep yearning for romance - and they have a very romantic outlook, which you might not know unless they opened it up to you. So I guess there are some things which are situation specific…)

And I wonder if you think that these types of traumas carry their own character, compared to things like ‘trauma in combat’ etc?

Thanks for sharing all that you’ve shared!

 

[arfie]

And I wonder if you think that these types of traumas carry their own character, compared to things like ‘trauma in combat’ etc?

i shared my childhood trauma with 10 siblings, 4 elder and 6 younger. i started my ptsd therapy in the u.s. army under the moniker of "civilian shell shock" in a therapy group of combat shell shock victims. while many symptoms overlap, i am utterly convinced that personality types are a HUGE factor. some of us come out afraid to try anything new. others (me) come out afraid to trust cultural norms and/or resembling authority. here in the early 21st century, romantics are conformists. if i've never seen ^it^ on a chick flick, ^it^ can't be real. welcome to the divorce fast track. i often wonder how many chick flick relationships could endure in real life. divorce seems to have morphed into a standard romance phase.

however many symptoms or traits we share in common, no two humans are identical. the diffs become critical when mental illness enters the equation. i shoot for the balance between learning from fellow humans while staying true to what is inside of me. as one of my favorite sisters likes to put it:

love all. trust few
always paddle your own canoe.