Relationship Setting Kind Boundaries Now

[Anon1]

i shared my childhood trauma with 10 siblings, 4 elder and 6 younger. i started my ptsd therapy in the u.s. army under the moniker of "civilian shell shock" in a therapy group of combat shell shock victims. while many symptoms overlap, i am utterly convinced that personality types are a HUGE factor. some of us come out afraid to try anything new. others (me) come out afraid to trust cultural norms and/or resembling authority. here in the early 21st century, romantics are conformists. if i've never seen ^it^ on a chick flick, ^it^ can't be real. welcome to the divorce fast track. i often wonder how many chick flick relationships could endure in real life. divorce seems to have morphed into a standard romance phase.

however many symptoms or traits we share in common, no two humans are identical. the diffs become critical when mental illness enters the equation. i shoot for the balance between learning from fellow humans while staying true to what is inside of me. as one of my favorite sisters likes to put it:

love all. trust few
always paddle your own canoe.

I love that quote at the end - and thanks for sharing an insight into what things are like for you.
I feel like I'm learning all the time on this forum!

Well, if nothing else, it sounds like you guys have developed something of a life together over a long period of time.

I suppose you can't plan these things in advance sometimes, you just have to try to be true to yourself and figure things out as you go.

With that in mind, I won't write the relationship off entirely, necessarily; but... I also don't think I can re-engage with it just now.
I had the feeling that I was going a bit crazy, before - and it was very unpleasant.

I have a lot of love for them though - and by sharing my own experience, I don't mean to denigrate them in any way.
They're actually very inspiring, and very steady considering the challenges they've had to face.
One day if things feel more settled and I'm in a steadier place... who knows?

For now, I guess it's all about looking to move forward :)

 

[arfie]

I suppose you can't plan these things in advance sometimes,

sometimes? planning is one of the OCD symptoms of my control freakitis. with a salute to all the therapy work that helped me break that stranglehold, let me insert another quote from someone a bit more renowned.

"life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." ~john lenon (beautiful boy)

stay honest and true to you. allow your friend equal dignity.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

however many symptoms or traits we share in common, no two humans are identical. the diffs become critical when mental illness enters the equation. i shoot for the balance between learning from fellow humans while staying true to what is inside of me. as one of my favorite sisters likes to put it:

love all. trust few
always paddle your own canoe.

100%

 

[Tinyflame]

JMHO but I think we have to be responsible for our own feelings, including anxiety; our reaction to other's actions are still our reactions, and teach us about ourselves. Boundaries are your limits, communicated, not punitive consequences. It is being kind to yourself to have them and kind to others to let them choose their's and their choices. Otherwise we are trying to make someone in to what we want them to be like, which is a reflection of ourselves and not loving them for who they are. Hopefully it's mutual, but you can only be true to yourself and you are unique. Not easy to navigate with ptsd on top of it.

Best wishes to you.

 

[C x]

Someone with PTSD may be using 90% of their brain to cope with their condition. With the remaining 10% they may be seeking/ craving contact and care and support.

IMO you need to be clear that 10% isn't going to be enough for you.

If the contact drops to 0%, your ex may ramp up the "connection" behaviour - reaching out, being nice, paying attention - so that he can get back to the 10% level he's comfortable with.

Try not to get drawn into it... Your brain will interpret it as an attempt to connect "properly" and you'll over-invest.

This explains it, I do soak up the 10% and trust it, then feel more hurt and rejected when it's completely gone again

 

[willowcptsdwife]

This is helpful. As always, this forum is a source of ‘cold water realism’!

I edited the post a little since you replied (sorry!), but I think the things you’ve said still apply.

Theyve said they feel like their CPTSD is clearing, and that they feel quite level headed at the moment.

But it’s hard to know if they’re calling it accurately or not.

I know that when I’ve had garden variety depression or anxiety, it’s pretty hard to know if I’m getting better.

Mental health is - by it’s nature - disruptive to sound judgement… so… yeah… it’s hard to know what comes from a legitimate place and what doesn’t…

It hit me like an Avalanche of reality

Someone with PTSD may be using 90% of their brain to cope with their condition. With the remaining 10% they may be seeking/ craving contact and care and support.

IMO you need to be clear that 10% isn't going to be enough for you.

If the contact drops to 0%, your ex may ramp up the "connection" behaviour - reaching out, being nice, paying attention - so that he can get back to the 10% level he's comfortable with.

Try not to get drawn into it... Your brain will interpret it as an attempt to connect "properly" and you'll over-invest.

This explains it, I do soak up the 10% and trust it, then feel more hurt and rejected when it's completely gone again

 

[Anon1]

This explains it, I do soak up the 10% and trust it, then feel more hurt and rejected when it's completely gone again

I just re-read this post - I think Ecdysis was right, and I did overinvest without meaning to.

From a non-CTPSD perspective… my intentions from my side were wholly good, and I think theirs were too (even though things got messy).

These things are hard, and I wish they weren’t… at the core, I love this person (I feel that way about lots of people deep down - the world has a lot of wonderful people in it)… it just got so complicated.

I guess intentions are usually good all round, and the heart is full of pure intentions; and I don’t really know what the answer is to all of the confusion that goes on in these situations.

I guess we’re all just trying to do the best we can with what we have…. It’d be lovely to have the benefit of hindsight at the time, but we can only ever show up with what we have in the moment, we’re all living every situation for the first time, and y’know… what happens happens.

I wish it was possible to open your brain and show someone else what you’re actually thinking and feeling towards them so they could know it for certain.

But even that isn’t possible... soo… we can only ever do the best we can :)

 

[JennyB]

Someone with PTSD may be using 90% of their brain to cope with their condition. With the remaining 10% they may be seeking/ craving contact and care and support.

IMO you need to be clear that 10% isn't going to be enough for you.

If the contact drops to 0%, your ex may ramp up the "connection" behaviour - reaching out, being nice, paying attention - so that he can get back to the 10% level he's comfortable with.

Try not to get drawn into it... Your brain will interpret it as an attempt to connect "properly" and you'll over-invest.

100% agree. My husband, trying to take his journey with PTSD, just doesn't have the bandwidth to have a marriage with me. I've talked to him about how I feel and recommended that he take some space and come back when he can truly dedicate his energy to me and the relationship. Especially with narcissistic tendencies, he flips out and digs his heals in, thinking I'm trying to discard him. I just wish that my boundary of needing, wanting, and deserving more than 10% is respected.

 

[Ray]

The reasons it is difficult for some of us to set boundaries likely stems from our childhood. I think this video explains it well