Sex And Feeling Pressured

[Draiocht]

Something that happened yesterday has really gotten under my skin.

My partner of 5 years was upset when I told him I feel pressured into sex; he felt like it was a slight on his character. Thing is when you're not used to healthy intimacy it can be difficult to tell what is okay and what isn't, which is why I'm posting this.

He's not forceful but my own fears trap me. Feelings of sex being the only thing I'm worth, and having been in a bad relationship some years back where my frigid behaviour earned me vindictive comments and I was made to believe it was my fault he cheated on me repeatedly. So currently that's not an issue, but it's unconsciously making me feel nauseous, you know? If I don't have sex, he is going to lose interest, sleep with other people, leave me, etc. For sure he is grumpy when I say no. But sometimes he won't let it slide.

I feel like a prisoner in my own bed sometimes. If I don't feel up to having sex then I can't sleep or I can't get up and dressed until he's spent an hour trying to persuade me to sleep with him. Having spent all of my sexually active years honing my ability to dissociate from the act, sometimes I say yes just to make him stop pestering me, or out of guilt. I hate doing that for a lot of reasons, partly duplicity, but mainly because he always used to say to me if I wasn't okay with it then he wouldn't be okay with doing it either. Which must have been a completely throwaway comment if he can't take me at my word and stop asking/pleading/grinding on me when I say I don't feel up to it.

There have been a few times over the years when I've been able to be present without freaking out, even to enjoy myself a bit (until after of course), and he is the first partner I've had who hasn't triggered me badly enough that I literally become some snarling, biting, furious creature trying to fight him off. That is HUGE. But I am sick of the shame and the guilt and the sick to my stomach with anxiety every time he is more... insistent about us having sex. Whenever I try and explain he takes it personally and nothing really changes. He can't understand how things that happened years ago can make me nervous or afraid around him, and I can't empathise with having a high libido. I get that he must feel rejected. But what else can I do? Does he want me to relive my trauma just so he gets his satisfaction for the day?

It gets even more frustrating when there's a cultural expectation of sex. So on valentine's day, if I say no (highly likely as knowing he's expecting sex for sure that night does absolutely nothing to get rid of my nerves), he responds, "but it's valentine's day". Like an illness he has seen me deal with every day can be swept under the rug when it becomes truly inconvenient to him. It's the same with birthdays, christmas, new years, going on holiday together (every night of our stay). I just don't feel like I can ever get across to him how much that upsets me. Not to mention I don't want to hurt his feelings. He doesn't realise when I dissociate. I don't think it would do *his* self esteem any good to know the entirety of that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think he should feel like his character has been insulted.

I can't help but feel that you're taking on guilt for his bad behavior and complete disrespect for your boundaries.

No means no, no matter what. Pouting, begging, guilting------all coercive techniques that aren't healthy in the least.

 

[scout86]

Does he want me to relive my trauma just so he gets his satisfaction for the day?

I'm sure he doesn't. I also suspect he really DOESN'T understand. And it's quite possible that's not willful ignorance. After all, you said you don't relate to his libido either, right? And it's not because you don't care, is it?

As luck would have it, I've experienced versions of both sides of this. I have a few issues with sex, but, under the right circumstances, I also enjoy it. (a lot) So, I've been in the "I don't really want to but I should" situation, with there being a bunch of reasons I feel obligated. On the other hand, my ex & I had an ok sex life, until we got married. Then he lost ALL interest. Like maybe he was interested once a year. And I have a REAL hard time initiating anything. So, when you work your self up to trying to start something and THEN get rejected.... :rolleyes:

I finally started sleeping on the couch because even being in the same bed with him was too frustrating. He kept saying "It's not you it's me". Got progressively harder to believe. Anyway, that was a mess.

But, there's more to sex than intercourse too. I don't suppose there's any room for compromise? Are you in therapy? It MIGHT help if he talked to your T. Maybe he/she could help with the understanding part of things. Maybe even couples therapy? Because this IS a real problem, from BOTH sides.

 

[Bloomy]

I just need to ask and I hope its ok - I read until the part of snarling, biting furious thing and that was like wow! Really? Sounds like me the past two years. Im certainly a snarling bitch. My question is - isnt this normal when your boundaries have been crossed to many times? I mean as soon a guy with not healthy boundaries come on to me Im like a roaring lion and Ill kick him to hell but certainly not back if he tries getting close.

And sadly its seems cultural we are moving in wrong direction. It seems men more and more think its ok to pressure. Or that they "deserve" to get "theirs" like you say on valentine. Sex or most of all is something that can not be neither manipulated or pressured nor force. Like the word blowjob you know. God i hate that word. Mos sure way to my me blow up like a detonated bomb is to use that word. Like its a God damn frigging "job" to please your man? No way it is!!

For sure this will make the libido of the ones that is expected to serve to disapear. Do you have sex with him on the base that you feel lust sometimes? Or is it more over that you mostly give in to pressure?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Would it be a great loss if such a guy did leave you over this? Relationships are about respect, he isn't doing that. He needs to allow you time to heal from your trauma. If he's not willing to wait, is he really that worth staying with?

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, I wish he would realize you can't really say yes unless you can say no - and have that no respected.

 

[Suzetig]

I can see both sides on this one, I get your fears and how imprisoning they are but I can also see why he would want sex as part of a loving relationship. You said that he isn't forceful, it's your fears that are causing the struggle. I think this is one area where knowing your stuff as separate from his is key. You have real struggles with intimacy because of your history and he may not fully get what that actually means.

Are you working in your own healing with this in therapy - perhaps your therapist can help you communicate about it so that your partner is more able to understand, but you might also work on strategies for more intimacy too? Both sides of this one are a challenge.

 

[Draiocht]

He really does struggle trying to understand my illness and I can't seem to communicate to him what I need. I often feel frustrated with him but I know I'm not blameless either. He's not vindictive and he tries to help in his own way but unfortunately that's not usually helpful for me, and when I try to explain that he gets hurt. He's a "fixer" - I end up feeling like I'm not living up to what he wants.

I'm in therapy at the moment, and although we have discussed my relationship, there's been a lot of turmoil in my life at the moment that has taken main stage. The last time I brought up my difficulties with sexual intimacy it came tumbling out with a bunch of other stuff because I was in a pretty rough state at the time. My therapists want to address it but at the moment they are just trying to help me take care of myself so we can look at longer standing issues on firmer ground.

But it's definitely important for me to be aware of when my stuff is clouding my judgement. That's why I find it difficult to know if his insistance is normal or not, is healthy or not. Sometimes I feel like he is taking advantage of me. And as I'm only just getting used to the idea of treating myself well, even when it feels wrong or weird because I'm not used to it, it can be very difficult to stand up to his strong personality.

I usually feel obligated as far as sex is concerned. As you say Bloomy it is very difficult to feel comfortable or able to have sex when that is the case. I only very occasionally feel lust. It makes me feel like a freak. Every other human I have ever encountered, liked, respected, loved, has a healthy human interest in sex. All films and songs and books and stories interweave with lust. I feel like I am treating him unfairly because I am denying him the chance of a normal relationship.

As you can see and as undoubtedly many of you understand, it all gets mixed up. I can't tell if he's being unreasonable or if I am. I just don't feel capable.

 

[EveHarrington]

Change the disorder.

What if you had cancer and sex was out of the question. Would his behavior be ok? I think most people would be disgusted at the idea of a guy acting this way toward his ailing wife who is fighting cancer.

It's essentially the same----I mean why would cancer get more leeway and understanding than PTSD? We all deserve time to heal without feeling like we are obligated to perform sexually for a partner.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

prisoner in my own bed sometimes

this part bothered me - no one should ever feel that way because of another person. It's quite a strong word you use to describe how you feel. Have you told him you feel this way? You're not a freak, there are people out there (and in here) who are/have experienced the same as you (and healed from this). It's a normal response to abnormal events.

 

[Bloomy]

I am not sure if he is actually the one denying you the right of a healthy relationship.
It bothers me that you write he can nag you about sex for an hour. That is not healthy.

I wonder - is he able if you ask him to just hold you? I mean just do the spooney and be close? If not I wonder if he has a problem with intimacity issues. I know with my self that lust comes natural if I dont feel pressured. If a guy can be close without expecting to get something.

It aslo bothers me that what you wrote about being a prisoner. And it bothers me that he doesnt seem to have the skills to notice you are not in it. A sensistive caring person I assume would notice.

I aslo know specially females put a lot of responsibility to make relationship work. Does he put in equal amount of responsibility to make it work?

 

[Saria]

Of course you're not being unreasonable! I wonder what you would tell a friend in a similar situation. If she had PTSD and couldn't have sex without dissociating and reliving the trauma, would you tell her that she was "treating him unfairly because she was denying him the chance of a normal relationship", and that she should "relive her trauma just so he gets his satisfaction for the day".....? That's absurd!

it can be very difficult to stand up to his strong personality

This is a red flag to me. Do you feel equal, respected and loved in your relationship? Since you've been together for 5 years, I assume that he has some good qualities too that doesn't get mentioned in your post? Cause to me he doesn't seem understanding or supportive at all, from what you've written. But if he usually is, and just really doesn't understand trauma at all, then maybe he could join you in a therapy session like scout suggested.