Sex: How Willing Should A Therapist Be To Talk About It?

[Emov]

Sex isn't a universal topic that is an issue for everyone.

Yeah, you're right. Some people just have reproductive organs for nothing.

well, we don't agree! I don't think betrayal comes about through lack of sexual satisfaction, so my focus was not there. It was more like how did we become such strangers?

Your insistence on this is interesting. I think it's perfectly plausible that the betrayal did not come through lack of sexual satisfaction. That said, could it be you are clinging so tightly to the denial of a sexual component, because it would shatter you to consider that he was dissatisfied with you sexually, because in reality, sex was the most important part of the situation all along?

Not all roads lead to sex.

Pretty ironic to read this on a psych site considering Freud himself pretty much said that all roads lead to sex.

To quote another great mind on this question:
"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." - Oscar Wilde

 

[Pujije]

Ginub here.

Well, when I said that sex isn't an issue for everyone I really meant it isn't an ISSUE as in a problem.

You know, when someone says "that girl has issues!" they are referring to her problems.

And no, not everyone has sexual issues. I don't personally have sexual issues that warrant therapy time.

As for Freud, he was kicked to the curb awhile ago by many prominent scholars and leaders in the field. Freud was important in his day but he's a bit irrelevant today. My statement on a psych forum about sex isn't ironic in the least.

Emov I'm guessing you're a sexual trauma survivor who perhaps has an inability to see things through a non sexual lens.

 

[Emov]

inability to see things through a non sexual lens.

I can see many, many things through a nonsexual lens. But lots of things inarguable have a sexual connection, and I don't want to be shut down when I naturally make that connection.

As for Freud, many of his basic ideas are still valid. It's a scientific fact that procreation is the end game of all organic life forms including humans. Perhaps a subject some are uncomfortable discussing, but hardly an esoteric or "specialty" one. Trust me they know. You know, I know, we all know.

 

[Gecov]

But the question remains why you cannot take the most logical path, the path of least resistance, and seek out a therapist who is skilled at handling sexual issues?

 

[Emov]

But the question remains why you cannot take the most logical path, the path of least resistance, and seek out a therapist who is skilled at handling sexual issues?

I'm indeed looking into it, but it's a bothering pain in the ass with my insurance.

 

[Ovab]

Ecu here. Yes it very much would shatter me to learn sex was what the most important part of my relationship which lasted for over a decade!!
I don't "cling" to the idea of betrayal because it serves me in any way - it hurt!!!
Yes it would hurt even more if I found out I was just s body for all those years, but I think we knew each other a bit better than that.
I think this is s pretty triggery subject.
at least if is for me.
i shall leave those not triggered to discuss it!

 

[Ohiko]

@emov

That said, could it be you are clinging so tightly to the denial of a sexual component, because it would shatter you to consider that he was dissatisfied with you sexually, because in reality, sex was the most important part of the situation all along?

I think that this is a hurtful statement and not sure it would have been said if this were not anonymous. Maybe I would understand better if you would be willing to more since you asked the original question.

It seems very important for you to ascertain from others that everything is about sex and all therapist "should" be competent and willing to discuss sex with all clients interested in doing so. What are you hoping to gain through this in therapy session? change?, understanding? acceptance?

Good therapists often have good reasons for re-directing clients. We dont know the competence of yours, but its clear that it is very difficult for you to accept their choice. Just as some therapist with poor ethics get off on sex topics of clients, there are clients who attempt to use such topics for "shock value" and experienced therapist know how to shut them down.!

So I assume many of us are wondering what kind of help you are looking for in the area of sex as I did not see it in any posts, only vague description.

 

[Zonig]

Exactly. But I don't think it had anything to do with a lack of expertise. All I really wanted was her active engagement in the conversation, not some arcane knowledge only a sex therapist would have access to.

It is not the therapist job to "engage in conversation", they are not our friend and not there for some chit chat. Therapist have a standard of ethics they are obligated to abide by. First line of duty is -Do no harm. Second-Do good. Actively engaging in a conversation without purpose does not meet criteria for ethics.

 

[Emov]

So I assume many of us are wondering what kind of help you are looking for in the area of sex as I did not see it in any posts, only vague description.

My history includes various types of unpleasant romantic and sexual experiences. I've been used for sex, manipulated for sex, deemed "used" and disrespected by men, rejected, humiliated, spurned. The main thing I was trying to talk about with this therapist were feelings of sexual worthlessness, unrequited desire, and feeling like I'm not good enough for the objects of my desire. I certainly wasn't going for "shock value," there weren't really any gory xxx rated stories involved. For example, I was talking about using a vibrator and trying to get into a sexual fantasy, and the fantasy being continually interrupted by thoughts of how unworthy and disgusting I was. I tried to talk about that several times, and lo and behold, she couldn't wait to change the subject.

What are you hoping to gain through this in therapy session? change?, understanding? acceptance?

I'm hoping to make some peace with my sexual self and lessen the shame and self-loathing.

Hope that demystifies things for you a little.

It is not the therapist job to "engage in conversation"

It's the therapists job to talk about what you need to talk about, and I clearly needed to talk about this.

 

[Apuwe]

feelings of sexual worthlessness

Very valid topic for any therapist. That said , is can we seperate our worthlessness? Is there such thing as sexual worthlessness? I understand you have been used sexually, and believe that sex is the path that led to worthlessness. But sex is a powerful thing, and is used for power, at least seemingly. Its a false sense of power. Ironically, people that I know that have true self respect and esteem rarely feel sexually used, and certainly not repeatedly, so its not really about sex after all. No judgement here, I dont have the best self respect either.

I was talking about using a vibrator and trying to get into a sexual fantasy, and the fantasy being

While there is nothing wrong with approaching the subject with your therapist in this way, a therapist may miss the point of your feelings of worthlessness by your approach. Also, is this your 15th visit or 2nd visit. Is this the therapists 1st appointment or last appointment of the day. Often ,,, very very often clients wait until last few minutes then drop new bomb.

Personally, I agree that you do not need a sex therapist for this issue, but I do think that you need an experienced therapist and you may have a bad with your therapist at present. Its important to you clearly so I would strongly pursue. Could you start a session out by asking therapist if there is a problem and pointing out that you have repeatedly brought this up and she has changed subject and what you should do with these thoughts as you do not want to misinterpret her behavior? Then you will know for sure. Hopefully T can provide clear answer for you. Then you will know if you need to seek new therapist.

By the way, thanks for sharing, makes it much clearer.

 

[Emov]

Hopefully T can provide clear answer for you. Then you will know if you need to seek new therapist.

We already parted ways. I asked her about her avoidance several times, and all she did was deny everything, lie to me, and gaslight me.

hat said , is can we seperate our worthlessness? Is there such thing as sexual worthlessness?

That said , is can we seperate our worthlessness? Is there such thing as sexual worthlessness?

Yes, I can be worthy of some things, but not sex, because I have nothing of sexual value to trade for it, i.e., desirability. That's sexual worthlessness. It seems to me that feelings of low sexual worth tend to grow into feelings of low worth overall, because of how central sex is to our psyches and self esteem.

 

[Ewiw]

Im sorry that you had that experience. If you are convinced that you are undesirable and unworthy of sex, I dont think anyone can change your mind unless you want to allow your mind to be changed. Clearly this is showing that it has less and less to do with sex. That is like a person who looses their job not being worth food, a learning disabled person not being worthy of an education. Food sex and education are not the problem but a symptom of something else. We just disagree and I agree to disagree respectfully. People with ptsd often have a skewed sense of self. Wish you well with this and hope you find answers.