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Sex: How Willing Should A Therapist Be To Talk About It?

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Whoops! ETA from above...

So if a vanilla hetero married couple may be beyond a therapists skill-set to effectively help surrounding their sexual issues? How much more likely would they be able to help someone who is a happy practicing member of a sexual minority group? Being happy with your practice & principles, doesn't mean they don't have the same sexual problems of everyone else, just with a different backdrop of what "normal" looks like to them.
 
I don't know if there's really any "normal" as far as sex goes. Or really any such thing as vanilla hetero - people never cease to surprise in that way!
I guess what I'm trying to say is many sexual problems have an emotional basis and thd healing lies less in discussing the mechanics of sex than it does in discussing the emotional foundation behind it.
The kind of sexual problems that could be heAled by talking about sex would probably need a sex therapist to get to the bottom of it.
I can't see how a general therapist would be expected to have the skills to be able to do that. I think it would take a special kind of person to be able to go that deeply into a clients sexuality
 
That doesn't mean that it isn't a part of my life, or never associated with problems that need sorting.
Exactly. Key word here is "associated." Everything in your psyche is associated with something, several things, perhaps everything else. If we're going to say people with sexual problems should only see sex therapists, then we might as well start saying people with mother problems should only see mother specialists, people with father issues should only see father specialists, people with low self esteem should only see self esteem therapists, people with social anxiety should only see social specialists, people who talk to much should only see loquacity specialists. And pretty soon there's no longer any need for the general therapist in the world, and most patients instead of having one therapist will have to set weekly appointments with five or six specialists.

Maybe I'm not getting something here....
What you're not getting is that it's a lot of things -- sexual, physical, emotional -- yes, it's also a betrayal of trust, but not solely. Have you ever been cheated on? Were your thoughts along the lines of, "Oh, he went behind my back to have sex with someone else. Oh, what a betrayal of my trust! Of course this has nothing to do with sex?"

A general therapist should be able to go into discussion about general issues that people have, and sexual problems fall under that rubric.
 
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Yes I have been cheated on. At one stage I couldn't pass a lingerie shop without going white and feeling like I was going to faint - from all the horrible thoughts and feelings, the fun they had behind my back, the humiliation I felt. Total despair.
And yes it affected me sexually and eventually caused the demise of the relationship.
But it wasn't sex I needed to talk about, it was betrayal! It was also heartbreak, and having to learn how to recover my self esteem, how to try to trust again, how to know when to admit defeat, how to move on and leave a relationship with a man who I deeply loved.
I don't think I ever spoke much of sex, except for the fact that it now felt so desperate and dangerous, it now felt full of despair instead of love.
But I didn't need to talk of what we did or didn't do, more about how I felt.
So I stills don't get it!
 
@Wotes-Most therapists will say they deal with trauma, but if you get a professional referral from within the therapist community, you may get much more competence. In my humble opinion, therapists are just not all created equal to begin with and are not all trained equally. As humans, they are driven to receive (choose) more training in specific areas of interest, just as any other profession. You don"t see a podiatrist for your heart. Someone who teaches kindergarden for 20 yrs and moves to teaching science to high schoolers does not have the experience of someone with 20 yrs of experience.

(In the United States) Counselors and social workers first must have a bachelor degree (4 yrs generally) in a background related to psych and core requirements met. Then they must score on a grad school entrance test to be accepted to a grad school program which is not usually too difficult depending on school. After about 3 yrs of school, including a practicum and internship (internship is 40 hrs per week for 1 semester), and they graduate from counseling or social work program with a masters degree, then they are eligible to apply to take exam.

In applying for exam, they must pay a fee, (apx $100 application and $250 exam fee), send all transcripts and records completed and signed by supervisor during practicum and internship. They must provide 3 professional references from others with at least a masters degree. Then they can sit for long exam after studying in 8 different practice areas including statistic which they may not even use. Once the exam is passed, they may go to work under the direct supervision of a board approved supervisor at low wages, they are not licensed still. They must work apx. 3000 hours of direct counseling (depending on state requirements). They must meet for supervision a specific number of hours per week. When this is all done, they can pay apx$250 (depending on state and board) to apply for full licensure. They have several other paper work items to complete as well. If in good standing, they will be approved. Generally they re-license bi annually and must pay license fee again along with documentation of continuing education credits. They can be lazy and get some on line for cheap with little real education, or they can travel and get face to face trainings that can be superior. They will need about 40 and they can cost between $2 per credit to $100 per credit.

Master level counselors (LPC) and social workers (LSW) are licensed to counsel in every state. Their salary is low 30's to start.

Years ago, due to need, states allowed anyone with a bacherlor degree to apply to be a social worker and some have been grandfathered in. Most states have different credentials for social workers, one for bachelor level and one for master level and the initials after name will reflect that by state. Still many states will hire a person, could be a counselor and give them a provisional social work license so they can do CPS work or other state work ONLY. All counselors must have masters degree.

Psychologist can take 1-2 yrs of additional school, much of which is education in the testing area and pay is significantly better. They do have a doctorate. Agencies often have few psychologists and more social workers and counselors as the psychologist does the testing and a lot of testing on kids. They write extensive psychological reports. They are approved for state medicaid and medicare where counselors and social workers are not but can bill under the staff psychologist.

Believe me, it is not paying 50 bucks and hanging a shingle in the United States. Now I have heard people say they are a counselor, such as a domestic violence or addiction counselor. That is something completely different that an educated counselor and the credentials are much different. Buyer Beware, It is up to all of us to ask when in doubt. Also, every practioner should have a statement hanging in their office with credentials regarding license and phone number to call to complain. It is state law. That statement will usually include areas of proficiency ie, that is areas that they passed that was included in exam (marraige and family, children and adolescents, addictions, abnormal psyc. etc) Other exam areas are stats, ethics, abnormal behavior, theory, pharmacology, cultural diversity, etc. As you can see, there are no courses in human sexuality and other specialties. Also, the areas that they have passed are a good foundation for a beginning, but the real experience comes from their work experience and nobody can do everything. You will not specialize in Autism, ADDH, Oppositional Defiant and other childrens disorder and also something of other extreme. If you work with kids, you will likely seek further training in that area or areas of interest where you would like to make a career move to.

One therapist is a licensed counselor and also certified in addictions and specialized in eating disorders as she suffers this herself. She can work with depression and anxiety and general stuff as well but not trauma, kids, and other specialties. Another therapist works with domestic violence primarily, both victims and perps, anger management, parenting skills, some addiction although she refers out for that when needed, and all womens issues and is open to sexuality issues as well as pro choice. While another therapist is a trauma specialist but is also christian counselor and is negative bias to LBGT and abortion issues. I know therapists that listen and never assist with any change or just recite what was learned in school.

I guess what I am getting at is that the therapist abilities is only as good as their Beliefs, Attitudes, Experience, and Education/Training.
 
Why would someone queer, kinky, and poly need to talk about sex? Maybe because I was raped many times and I wanted to figure out where in the lead up I was missing cues that *clearly* I needed to start seeing to keep myself safe. How about talking about my dissociation during sex. How about talking about pain from years of sexual torture and trying to figure out how to negotiate around that with not just one but many partners...

There's lots to talk about even if you don't want to change the frame.
 
@Emov-I agree, most issues can be dealt with by a general therapist.
I once went to a marraige counselor with a man that clearly was not up for couples. Double emotions, opinions, hurts, etc. All he could do was to hand us paper and request we write things, such as something we like about each other, or something we want from each other. He avoided conflicts like the plague and it was a waste of time.

A different therapist would have likely taken a different approach. Such as " Mrs. Smith, you sound very angry about x. Look at your husband and tell him what you really feel about x and how that effects your relationship". Sharing hurt would be encouraged in a reasonable respectful way.
 
I don't think I ever spoke much of sex
Wrong. You were speaking about sex the whole time. Sex is what defined the betrayal you're referring to, and without the sex, there would not have been anything to talk about. I think I'm referring to sex as a broad topic, including, but not limited to the physical act, but also emotions, relationships, situations, etc. You seem to think I am only talking about mechanics or something -- who put what whither and moved it where? Yeah, no.
 
Yes, Obu, I totally get that )-:
so do you mean you're happy with your sexuality but struggle with the path that led you there?
I think I gets it now. And yes I can fully understand why you need to talk about that, although I still do think the issues are probably a lot more emotional than you may think.
I speak as one who allowed a lot of sexual and physical abuse. I felt no ownership of my body maybe as a result of childhood sexual abuse, I presume.
perhaps that's why I would never talk about sex with my therapist. I'm ashamed that I carried on where the perpertrator left off.
I still don't think that's a conversation I need to have about sex, but for me that's never been a subject I can talk about. Maybe I'd want to talk more about being clear where I end and others begin, or more importantly how to come to terms with the years I didn't care about myself.
I'm closer to being at peace now, much closer than I was.
Anyway, I wish you well. And I hope you can find the right person to go into all this with. I know how jangling it all can be!
 
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Wrong. You were speaking about sex the whole time. Sex is what defined the betrayal you're referring to, and without the sex, there would not have been anything to talk about.

No. I was talking about betrayal. Sex was the vehicle of it, but it was the betrayal that killed me.
Sex is not a broad topic - betrayal is! Sex is pretty simply what it is - sex.
 
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