Sex is disgusting

[whiteraven]

I know it’s fun for some people.

But not for everyone. And not always because they've had trauma in their past. I also think it's disgusting, and I don't think simply not liking sex or thinking it is gross is necessarily a cognitive distortion. But maybe for you because it makes you feel bad.

Knife through muscle. Same basic physical motions. Wildly different things.

I see no difference in this at all. *shrug*

 

[Rose White]

participation & being in control.

Thank you. It’s a good idea for me to hold onto. The last time I dated someone (about three months ago) I tried really hard to do that and his feedback was that I was too domineering— but the good thing is that I have friends who all rolled their eyes and said they could tell it wasn’t a good fit anyway.

So for me, I know that I tend to fall for narcissistic and arrogant people—because that’s familiar to me—but hopefully—someday I can pop through that. Probably by recognizing and questioning my own desires.

So now we’re talking about two different things. Sex and dating. I do see the connection though.

I appreciate the feedback. I will think of those words “participation and being in control” and thinking about what they mean and how they might apply to me.

I’m also interested in the spectrum of sex. By that I mean… the kinds of behaviors that are intimate and *might* lead to sex for some people but can also just be enjoyable ways to interact with people. Like I wonder, at what point does it become disgusting for me?

Actually, I can answer that. It’s immediately after. A sense of “what have I done?” So maybe I need to think about that transition? It’s like I get pulled into an alternate universe and then dropped out. It’s not that I’m sad it’s over. It’s that I’m sad and angry that I went there. That I lost myself somehow. That I let myself go there, I think.

And maybe that’s why the counter I immediately go for is “it’s natural.” There’s no “there”. It’s just part of being human.

And in some ways, the grief of trauma leads to a cognitive distortion that the survivor is different from all other humans, that no one could truly understand. And maybe that’s part of it for me. Telling myself that *I* can’t handle sex, that it’s disgusting for me (and some other survivors), and I’m so special that I can’t ever get better, that I can’t ever learn how to be okay.

I am uncertain which direction to go in. But I have some ideas now…

Here are some counters…
“Sex is not rape.”
“I can be in control and participate.”
“I deserve pleasure.”
“I deserve to be with someone who wants me to experience pleasure.”

Actually that last one sort of cuts. I’ve been with plenty of people who wanted me to experience pleasure. They wanted me to desperately. I couldn’t. I couldn’t participate—at that time. I have lots of experiences of being dissociated and out of my body during it. I guess another counter could be…

“I am learning how to stay present and participate in intimate activities.”

 

[Rose White]

@whiteraven I think you are right that if believing that sex is disgusting does not cause you any distress then it’s not a cognitive distortion for you.

 

[312]

@whiteraven I think you are right that if believing that sex is disgusting does not cause you any distress then it’s not a cognitive distortion for you.

I’m getting divorced so the shop is closed!

 

[Movingforward10]

Actually, I can answer that. It’s immediately after. A sense of “what have I done?” So maybe I need to think about that transition? It’s like I get pulled into an alternate universe and then dropped out. It’s not that I’m sad it’s over. It’s that I’m sad and angry that I went there. That I lost myself somehow. That I let myself go there, I think.

Your processing all this is helping me think through my problems with sex. So thank you for putting all this out there.
I'm really impressed about how aware you are with your thought processes. I wish I had that awareness!
Clearly for me, something happens immediately after, as I cry. Something also happens during and something also happens on point of orgasm (stopping me from doing it, mostly).

What helped me last time is staying present. Really challenging myself and saying "no" to any intrusive thoughts and just being in the moment with E. That really really helped. Managed to orgasm. Still cried.

I remember you writing about your time with that guy a few months ago. And whilst his feedback was one thing, the way you wrote about how you felt and what you did, showed a woman in control, expressing her needs and being brave. So maybe ignore his feedback on this occasion and go with your own feedback? What worked for you? In the moment, it didn't sound like you felt any shame or was disgusted?

 

[Rose White]

saying "no" to any intrusive thoughts and just being in the moment with

Yes, I think this is going to be one of the keys. Holding this mindset from the beginning of the event through to the end. Inner narrative and maybe even saying out loud things like, “This is fun. This feels good. I am so happy to be here with you feeling this.” (Feel a little sad thinking that, but I think it’s the part that wants to hold on to the fear because that’s familiar and safe for them.)

In the moment, it didn't sound like you felt any shame or was disgusted?

Good point. It doesn’t always go to disgust and shame for me.

Reflecting on that time something I think I’m noticing is that I kind of dominated the moments of my experience. I was in control yes, but I wasn’t really including him in my experience, except for the fact that he was there. I wasn’t checking in with him. I wasn’t asking him if he was okay with what was happening. I sort of dis-associated from him and submerged myself into myself.

Which was the only way I could do that at that time. At that time that’s the best I could do! And you are right that at the time my perspective was “too bad for him missing out on wonderful me.” That was my way of coping and not allowing myself to get pulled into shame of any kind.

True that in that experience I did not hold the distortion that sex is disgusting. But I also didn’t see it as a relationship between two people. I saw it as a performance of one person (me) in the presence of another person. Which is not very intimate.

Because intimacy is so difficult for me.

So with that guy I protected myself from intimacy while being sexual with him. I remember with him how my friends told me, “Most people have sex by the third date and if they don’t it’s a sign that they don’t like them.” And for us that was the fifth date. So I had that mindset of “Just do it, you need to do this to keep it going.”

Ugh. I don’t know how I am going to navigate that unwritten rule in the future. Well, I said I’m never online dating again so maybe it won’t be an issue. Maybe if I date someone again it will be someone that I’ve known for a while as a friend so there won’t be the issue of “third date”?

Anyway, I’m glad you got me processing that. I’m glad you helped me to recognize that it’s not shame every time. And I’m noticing that I might be able to stay present but not engage in intimacy. So back to the intimacy problem.

I think intimacy is maintaining a line of communication with the other person and checking in with them. Questions like, “How do you feel about this? Are you okay with what’s happening?” But also stating my own perspective with phrases like, “I’m ready to do this. I’m excited to be with you. I want to cuddle with you. I like sharing my body with you.” Maybe the intimacy, if I can get there, will help me stay present and also feel in control?

 

[Rose White]

Maybe since it’s not all the time, an accurate reframe would be, “Sometimes I feel uncomfortable after sex and judge it and myself to be disgusting.”

Also, “Rape and people who do rape are disgusting,” is an accurate statement.

And while it’s happening… “I am here. I am in control.” And saying what I’m feeling and desiring and checking in with the other person about their feelings and desires to see if there is a connection.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

This is a hard subject for me...my Dad was a preacher...a wonderful man who loved me dearly.

I have always felt shame and disgust about sex and my body. I have been out of the dating game for most of the last 20 years and have zero plans to get back in.

Being molested at about 4 years old and then a few other times as I grew up created in me such a deep sense of shame that I still have to shake off now and then.

Thank you for posting about this @OliveJewel

 

[Rose White]

Thanks for supporting and following along on this thread @AngelKeeperJ

that I still have to shake off now and then.

I’m curious if you don’t mind sharing your own ways to shake it off?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

“Thought-stopping” has been the most useful tool I have found. As soon as I have a shameful feeling/thought, I mentally and sometimes verbally say “stop” and visualize a stop sign or hitting the eject button on a Dvd player.

Then I consciously bring up a happy memory or the Bible verse that says “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” and the thought that God loves me unconditionally.

Fighting my self-hate has been my biggest challenge...

Thank you for asking me how I shake off my distorted thoughts.

(I also use earphones to blast positive music into my brain...it stops the mental noise)

 

[No More]

True that in that experience I did not hold the distortion that sex is disgusting. But I also didn’t see it as a relationship between two people. I saw it as a performance of one person (me) in the presence of another person. Which is not very intimate.

Sex is a team sport

“Most people have sex by the third date and if they don’t it’s a sign that they don’t like them.” And for us that was the fifth date. So I had that mindset of “Just do it, you need to do this to keep it going.”

Nah don’t even worry about this. I’ve had sex on the first date having never touched the bloke before and sex on the tenth date, and everything in between. I do agree it’s good to see if you are sexually compatible with a partner reasonably soon, but if you say to the guy hey look, I really like you, but I just need a bit more time - that should be fine within reason! If you are already under pressure and feeling like you ‘have’ to have sex and get it over with, that’s a black mark for you to have a bad experience before you’ve even started. It happens when it happens imo!
If I’m being nagged and pressured (even if it was coming from myself) I won’t enjoy it at all, or most likely it’s an outright no - perhaps you might be the same - in that you need someone to non verbally initiate or show you through words that they want you, and vice versa when you initiate?

 

[SophieBernstein]

It also disgust me, I don't even masturbate because I feel it is really gross so I supress the urge until it disapear. It gave me also emotional flashbacks so.... it's just out of my life. BUT whe may talk about it in therapy. However honestly, I won't