Relationship Sex With Combat Veteran?

[SemperFidelisOregon]

I am also raising the bullshit flag on his behavior. Having PTSD doesn't mean you get to go outside the marriage/relationship for sexual needs. Call me an old fashioned mother-f*cker, I am all about it.

As someone else already mentioned.... Combat vets with sexual issues come in all shapes sized and hues. But sometimes you just have to lay down some boundaries about whAt you will and will not accept. If you are going to accept the sexless marriage situation, he should be in the same boat..... Not getting head or having online girlfriends. Big red flag.

My background: I was married to a USMC combat vet for six years before his death.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I tried stopping it in the past and it just made things worse and stressed him out more and caused our relationship loads of trauma

This has been bothering me too... Being faithful stresses him out? Or being challenged about his online affairs stresses him out?

Either way, that's garbage. You'd think sneaking and lying would be way more stressful...

You have every right to set certain boundaries in your relationship. They aren't demands on his behavior, rather limits you set for yourself. For example, it's not "You can't cheat on me", it's "if he cheats, I will leave."

It is not beyond his scope to tell him that online affairs are not acceptable in your relationship. It is fine to tell him that oral sex is a two way street, and you need a little release if you're going to continue to pleasure him.

 

[Gucci]

I'm sorry you're going through such an emotionally intense time with your partner - it must be so very upsetting since it's getting at the heart of relationships: sexual and emotional intimacy, feeling like your needs are being seen and acknowledged, communication, connecting!!To be honest, none of these things seems to be at the forefront of this dynamic.

First of all, you need to understand that you cannot FIX this person. He's gone through traumatic experiences, has been diagnosed with PTSD, which is a very complex and multi-faceted condition, and he needs to take it seriously enough to be the one to commit to his recovery. Only HE will decide to do this.

I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your behaviour with him and your beliefs (e.g. being his porn star) strike me as codependent and that you have difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries with others. No human being is obliged to function as anyone else's 'object' on any level, sexual or otherwise. You are a separate human being with your own needs and perspectives, and to disregard yourself in this way is only setting yourself up for increasingly dysfunctional situations both with him and with others.

He needs to decide how he wants to deal with HIS situation. As do you, for your own reasons. You're very young. Please don't squander your time and energy in a situation that is already exceedingly challenging with a person who is (it appears) much older than you and prepared to do what he feels is what he needs without taking your needs into account. WHY he does this is for him to determine and deal with. That you accept it and stay is for you to clarify.

I'm glad you've reached out for help. You're thinking about yourself, which is a primary requirement for having any kind of agency in your life. If you can, find a therapist to help you sort this out. There's a youtube channel by a woman named Lisa Romano who addresses these kinds of issues; you might find it helpful. Best to you on your journey!

 

[Ellie_Army]

I really don't know what I would do if it weren't for the women like you the questions you've arised. I'm truly thankful for all of you. I'm dating a combat ptsd vet as well and I'll be honest... there are moments when he is verbally abusive to an extreme level and doesn't remember any of it. And we first started dating we were on cloud 9 and sex was frequent and amazing; then his meds changed and his ptsd got worse. He blames me when I beg him to have sex with me or touch me and his response is "I'm only attracted to happy you, not the sad you." Well a**hole, had you not made me feel like I was nothing then we wouldn't have this problem.
I know FOR A FACT that he's not cheating on me but he does like to look, when it comes to paid for pleasure.
Please tell me that this will pass! I'm not loosing hope. Just need to find a community of army girlfriends/wives who can offer first hand advice.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The med change may be effecting his sex drive. That happens sometimes. Has it been awhile since the switch?

 

[EveHarrington]

I really don't know what I would do if it weren't for the women like you the questions you've arised. I'm truly tha...

I think it's kind of mean to tell someone that they only are attracted to the happy you and not the sad you. A relationship is about loving someone, flaws and all. Nobody can be happy 24/7.

 

[Suzettelove]

Really well said.
I am dealing with similar (in some ways) issues with my guy- Navy Vet. What I really mourn is the tenderness... It makes me much more vulnerable to straying when another guy is tender to me- touches my hair or touches me gently, because when my guy is triggered or drunk- he is all grope. Has been going on for years. I hate it!
I've been sexually active for 33 years now, and I can love, and become attached to so many for so many stupid reasons- Some fond memory, usually a confused perception of love.
I think my guy truly is a good guy and he really does love me. There aren't that many actually good guys. And being really loved is nothing to shake a stick at... We are pretty compatable except for the PTSD symptoms. The key is fighting the illness, are they willing to fight it everyday? All this means is doing something everyday to heal their brains, because it is a progressive disease.
I think living together can be really tough.
Basically with my guy it is going to have to change. Either there is some positive, structured plan for communication and betterment or we have to live apart.
We shall see.
There must be something remarkable about this guy keeping you around, because this sounds deeply unsatisfying... the part about the kinda forcing oral sex seems like not love... too mean.