Sex With Therapist

[Zuwaza]

I would love to take him to "couples couseling." An outside opinion on our interactions would be so helpful

I just assume I will go back at some point after seeing the new therapist for a while to help me understand what's been going on.

You know that's one of the side effects of abuse? Staying until the bitter end. Relationships don't actually have to be like that. In fact, most healthy relationships don't do that. When they're not working? That's enough. You can like someone, respect them, even love them, and still decide that it's not a good idea to have them in your life right now (or ever), and part amicably. You don't have to keep trying to force a relationship, where one isn't working. You don't have to stay until it all ends in tears (or violence). You don't have to stay just because it isn't abusive. Or might could not be abusive, if _____. You don't have to keep going back. You just don't. Instead, when something isn't working in a relationship? You go your separate ways. Wish each other well in their lives. And that's okay.

 

[Ifa]

Sex with a therapist is unhealthy on so many levels. Speaking only for myself I expect sex to be expected no less now going on 60 than I did going on 16.
Not that I would act on it now but the same expectation is still there telling me something fundamental is still broken.
I would not have a therapist of the opposite sex for that reason.
I would think I was still replaying trauma to have sexual relations with someone I know at a basic level should be off bounds.
Learning to have boundaries is part of healing.
Any therapist who does not respect the importance of their role in helping to teach boundaries should not be a therapist.
Those who have sex with their therapist should take a moment to realize there is a 99 percent chance they are not the only one this person acting as a therapist is having sex with.

 

[Ike]

I was just asked my opinion about a psychologist who has a program he calls ""Male Muse". He give guys them the optio...

What?!

 

[Hedares]

Instead, when something isn't working in a relationship? You go your separate ways. Wish each other well in their lives. And that's okay.

The entire post is simply amazing and worded way better then I could ever word anything.

And my thoughts exactly. Why would you be going back? You end that therapy, you get a new therapist, end of story. His feelings aren't hurt and maybe, just maybe (hopefully) this makes him much more clear in the future.

And going just off of this thread, those boundries were way not clear. Not to you at all and the replies he has given you is so out of line where there is transference.

There maybe a manual to how to reply to or handle one that disocissates a lot (I do and my therapist doesn't say these things to me and has crystal clear boundries) but there is also a manual of how to handle transference. Many actually. And they all state that it is the responsibilty on the therapist to make sure boundries are clear and stict. Yes, you speak further on the transference to go deeper but those boundries better be clear first.

 

[Ifebo]

Yes. No reason to go back. Going back will only make it harder to cut loose again. And this relationship does not sound/feel therapeutic or "ok" to me, on either end. Boundaries are not only not clear, but it seems that they are being pushed all over the place.

 

[Ginan]

But

You know that's one of the side effects of abuse? Staying until the bitter end. Relationships don't actually hav...

But what if the abuse isn't abuse but just transference that is being expertly drawn out of the patient and the patient is too wrapped up in the intensity to notice the catharsis?
In other words, isn't it possible I am too nuts to interpret and relay info about our interactions? Isn't it possible that because of my nearly constant state of dissociation in therapy that I'm completely misinterpreting what is going on?

I am forcing myself to see someone else to gain additional clarity but I do want to go back to my therapist largely because he seems to hold the key that opens up my history. It's hard to believe someone else can show me my dissociated past in such a direct manner.

I deeply feel that it is me that is flawed, and not the therapy. My assumption is a new therapist will confirm that, but I'm open to hearing otherwise. Maybe a new therapist will convince me more support is possible.

Truthfully, I couldn't leave him if I thought it was permanent so I need to tell myself it isn't forever...even thought I suppose it could be.

 

[Esik]

But what if the abuse isn't abuse but just transference that is being expertly drawn out of the patient and the patient...

1. Everything is temporary in my book. Right up until someone is dead, or dead to me. I'm not saying you need to never see your former T, again. I'm saying you don't have to. Even if you want to. Much less if you don't.

2. Didn't mean to imply your former T was abusive. I actually didn't weigh in on that score, and don't have an opinion, there. Just that anyone with an abuse history can fall under the "This person is in my life, therefore this person must stay in my life, I have to fix it, it's my fault it's broken, if I could only do ABCEDFG then it would be fixed." paradigm. Or "Friends are friends until the bitter end." & similar core values. Whether it's self blame/control, or other sourced, it's just a really, really common side effect of having been in any abusive relationship that one almost never sees outside of abuse histories (or presents). That can spread onto other relationships. Good, bad, and indifferent.

In fact, I usually tell people who are leaving clearly abusive relationships (beaten, raped, etc.), not to worry. Because they'll probably be back. Statistically it takes 7 attempts to leave before someone leaves an abusive relationship for good. That might sound sick, or snarky, but it's not. It's a real & abiding fear of a lot of people that if they leave, no matter how abusive, that it will be over for good. And that's more scary than being beaten and raped.

It's one of the reasons why transference with trauma victims isn't usually recommended. Even by psychodynamic practitioners who get all starry eyed about transference in most other contexts. Because it ends up reenacting abuse cycles, and cementing really unhealthy patterns of behavior. The few psychodynamic trauma therapists I know talk about how it's a challenge for them in some ways (because they really, really do get all "Yay!" In other contexts), but that because they work so heavily with transference; it's also easier for them than other therapists, to see when their clients are starting to do that, and start laying down and helping their clients lay down & build new boundaries. To stop transference in its tracks. Which is also why the "I have no experience with PTSD, but transference is Yay!" Comments prior have just had me headdesking. Noooooo. Not really.

 

[Ginan]

1. Everything is temporary in my book. Right up until someone is dead, or dead to me. I'm not saying you need to never se...

Thank you. You are incredibly insightful and well written.

 

[Ivoki]

... after working with T, I'm able to recognize and trust a safe relationship for a change...which is the whole purpose of therapy.

This one line resonated so much with me.
A therapist is supposed to be the starting point of where we end the endless cycle of abusive relationships in our lives.

 

[Etus]

It seems that you have decided that this is what you want to do and are seeking at least one post to validate your desire. It is unanimous that sex with a therapist is a bad idea. I don't see how a therapist could maintain objectivity with a patient they were having sex with.

And the, "just one time" concept? If you liked it one time (or thought you liked it) you'd want to do it again. If you didn't like it, it would still ruin the patient-therapist relationship, and as others have pointed out, traumatize you again.

 

[Usavot]

Those who have sex with their therapist should take a moment to realize there is a 99 percent chance they are not the only one this person acting as a therapist is having sex with.

^^^^
This!!!!!
That's how it becomes really damaging, when you realise your therapist was just a man taking advantage of clients and satisfying his own sexual urges.
Goodbye trust. Goodbye healing.
Hello more trauma.

 

[Rivu]

If my therapist wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn't object...