cheese_wine7819
New Here
Hi everyone,
This is my first time talking about this to anyone other then my husband and one friend. To give some background, I always "knew" I was abused in some way by my Uncle, when I was young (around 5 to around 9), but all I had were very faint memories and mostly emotional triggers. I repressed it for many years. Also, my dad, who was a pastor, and was highly looked up to (almost put on a pedastal), spanked me naked to add to the humiliation. To make things worse, I was a very sensitive child but my Mom would tell my Dad to spank me for stupid reasons, even once for showing anger to my mom, but i was not being mean to her. The last memory I have is when I was 12 and I locked my door. He got really mad and picked it open. He then took my clothes off, lay me on his lap, said something about how I see you are entering puberty and are getting old for this so hopefully this will be the last time. plus the whole, 'this hurts me more then it hurts you" B.S. All I remember was picturing my hairy vagina on his lap and his bare hand slapping me. I was very humiliated. It traumatized me so much that i became hypervigilant about never getting a spanking again, so I spent the rest of my years until I moved away, holed up in my room, and pretty much not speaking to my parents. in fact, my senior year of highschool, I lost my voice out of nowhere, for a few months.
I say all that about my dad because for many years, I had felt abused by him. I had all the signs-- I developed anorexia and bulimia in college. I then had family counseling and my dad said sorry in front of the counselor, but he later told me that he didn't know why he had to apologize. For years though I wondered why that incident haunted me so much.
Then, later I developed severe germ related OCD and started therapy. It was about a year after I started therapy that I began to recover more memories of my Uncle. My parents would drop me off at my cousin's house to spend the night for the weekend as they knew we played well together. I did like my cousin, though she is younger than I am. And I was falsely charmed by my Uncle. My main memories are of being in his bed and seeing his penis, and of him fondling me. I also remember touching him and him making his penis touch my vagina. I would sometimes fall asleep with him in his bed, along with my younger cousin.
The kicker came when I recalled him threatening me not to tell anyone because my dad would spank me and because he said I was his favorite neice and wanted that to stay that way. I feel like I soaked up his so-called "love" and attention, though I realize now it was in all the wrong ways. I realize I felt it was my fault, and my "perfect, christian" family always implies that they can do no wrong, so I just never brought this up to anyone. I didn't think my parents would believe me.
I then started EMDR to help with this and she told me it sounds like I have PTSD, which I'm not surprised about. Interestingly, after starting EMDR, my OCD compulsions started to diminish, but now I am having even more problems sexually because everything is a trigger. My husband tries to understand, even though he really has no clue how I feel.
Anyhow, it feels good to share this but at the same time, it's triggering. Now, what happens is I have flashbacks and then am out of it and have tons of anxiety for a long time afterward. Is there a way to distract myself enough to not stay stuck thinking about it? I hate feeling this way. I am already almost 40 and I wish I could get over it. But I know PTSD doesn't really work that way. (oh, and I had to stop EMDR too early because we couldn't afford it, but I do plan to go back).
Thanks for reading.
This is my first time talking about this to anyone other then my husband and one friend. To give some background, I always "knew" I was abused in some way by my Uncle, when I was young (around 5 to around 9), but all I had were very faint memories and mostly emotional triggers. I repressed it for many years. Also, my dad, who was a pastor, and was highly looked up to (almost put on a pedastal), spanked me naked to add to the humiliation. To make things worse, I was a very sensitive child but my Mom would tell my Dad to spank me for stupid reasons, even once for showing anger to my mom, but i was not being mean to her. The last memory I have is when I was 12 and I locked my door. He got really mad and picked it open. He then took my clothes off, lay me on his lap, said something about how I see you are entering puberty and are getting old for this so hopefully this will be the last time. plus the whole, 'this hurts me more then it hurts you" B.S. All I remember was picturing my hairy vagina on his lap and his bare hand slapping me. I was very humiliated. It traumatized me so much that i became hypervigilant about never getting a spanking again, so I spent the rest of my years until I moved away, holed up in my room, and pretty much not speaking to my parents. in fact, my senior year of highschool, I lost my voice out of nowhere, for a few months.
I say all that about my dad because for many years, I had felt abused by him. I had all the signs-- I developed anorexia and bulimia in college. I then had family counseling and my dad said sorry in front of the counselor, but he later told me that he didn't know why he had to apologize. For years though I wondered why that incident haunted me so much.
Then, later I developed severe germ related OCD and started therapy. It was about a year after I started therapy that I began to recover more memories of my Uncle. My parents would drop me off at my cousin's house to spend the night for the weekend as they knew we played well together. I did like my cousin, though she is younger than I am. And I was falsely charmed by my Uncle. My main memories are of being in his bed and seeing his penis, and of him fondling me. I also remember touching him and him making his penis touch my vagina. I would sometimes fall asleep with him in his bed, along with my younger cousin.
The kicker came when I recalled him threatening me not to tell anyone because my dad would spank me and because he said I was his favorite neice and wanted that to stay that way. I feel like I soaked up his so-called "love" and attention, though I realize now it was in all the wrong ways. I realize I felt it was my fault, and my "perfect, christian" family always implies that they can do no wrong, so I just never brought this up to anyone. I didn't think my parents would believe me.
I then started EMDR to help with this and she told me it sounds like I have PTSD, which I'm not surprised about. Interestingly, after starting EMDR, my OCD compulsions started to diminish, but now I am having even more problems sexually because everything is a trigger. My husband tries to understand, even though he really has no clue how I feel.
Anyhow, it feels good to share this but at the same time, it's triggering. Now, what happens is I have flashbacks and then am out of it and have tons of anxiety for a long time afterward. Is there a way to distract myself enough to not stay stuck thinking about it? I hate feeling this way. I am already almost 40 and I wish I could get over it. But I know PTSD doesn't really work that way. (oh, and I had to stop EMDR too early because we couldn't afford it, but I do plan to go back).
Thanks for reading.
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