Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse - Myths And Facts

[WonderingWhy]

If you did not resist it cannot be rape or abuse

I still struggle with this myself! There was no gun, no knife. Just a much larger/stronger person.

 

[WonderingWhy]

If it happened multiple times by different people IT MUST somehow be my fault.

 

[Nyx]

Long time no see, WW :) Out of curiosity... your posts state what you feel or what you think?

 

[anndeb]

Yeah, so good to hear from you again WW.. I had admired your avatar as I also love the serenity prayer and then wondered how you were.

 

[NDKnight]

As a child you trust automatically, So when your grandfather lies to you and says it's the truth, you believe him.

Like this is what all adults do to children, don't cry, suck up that pain it's good for you, what do you think it was put there for? its a hole and need to have things put inside it, grow up and be a big boy, you know your sisters might be better at this than you.. what do you think? do you think I should show them too? what? no? then do as your told.:cry:

 

[anndeb]

Yes, adults can be incredibly cruel to children, after all they are weaker and more vulnerable. And our culture tends to show a blind eye to it all I think. What a shame.

 

[Lisa]

People hurt you because of who you are.

I still can't shake that one.

 

[anndeb]

Well yessss.. people do sometimes hurt us because of who we are.. I felt my parents did just that when I was growing up. Thus the high anxiety when I assert myself, express myself and show myself for who I truly am.

 

[Lisa]

My thought behind "people hurt you because of who you are" which I struggle with sometimes is that it is because of me that people hurt me. As if there is something, personally about me, which somehow makes others hurt me.

Some days I genuinely can't fathom how that is not the case, that it isn't because of me, it is not all because of a fault or badness in me. But today, your comment reminds me that actually... it happens because a person's position is abused. Being a child, a daughter, trusting others, or vulnerable in some other way. And the impact is exactly what you speak of. I have high anxiety when I need to assert, express or show myself for who I am. Who I am - me when I am not anxious, on high alert, or so depressed that I don't care - lives in hiding. I literally find it impossible to relax and be myself around others. I'm too busy trying to 'get it right' so that I don't cause a reaction in someone that I can be blamed for.

 

[anndeb]

Thanks DD for this comment.. I think it speaks to one of the most fundamental and important effects that our abuse can have on us.. Not so much that we are 'at fault' somehow in ourselves, tho it feels to me a lot of the time as if I am somehow 'bad', or a 'bad person'.. but that my abuser did in fact not want me to 'be' myself but wanted to punish and force me to be like what she wanted me to be. Then too is the factor of wanting to use me for her gratification and not caring about me or my well being.. or the harm she was doing. Ugh!

 

[Ance]

If you did not resist it cannot be rape or abuse

This is one that keeps popping up and has kept me from seeking help for 8 years. I personally questioned whether I resisted because my boyfriend never stopped, therefore he must not have read my words ("NO") or body language (shutting down, crying, passivity) as resisting. However, it is convenient for the abuser to have the victim reason in this warped way. Clearly I was resisting in many ways but because he did not honour or even acknowledge my right to autonomy over my own body I somehow lost sight that I did have that right. It was as if my value depended on his say-so.

The truth is the abuser might deny that the victim resisted but a person with a healthy understanding of and desire for intimacy will read the signs of resistance. After having non-consensual sex with me my ex finally 'noticed' that I was crying. In response to him asking why I cried: "I can't believe you didn't stop!" He was infuriated, said that I was accusing him of rape and that I should have been more clear if I didn't want to have sex. I apologized, after all he must be right, otherwise he would have stopped...right? Wrong! I said no multiple times. I felt that if someone that loved me didn't respect me enough to accept my 'NO' that I somehow didn't deserve my 'NO' to be honoured. Because he didn't care about protecting me I somehow lost the will to protect myself: I was clearly not worth it. During sexual intercourse I lay my head to the side, tears were streaming out of my eyes, I in no way participated in the activity - not to be crude but he could have been having sex with a log. My abuser chose to be blind to my resistance and anguish in order to satisfy his own selfish desires in the moment. Then when it was done he used the fact that I let him go through with it as proof that I wasn't 'forced' (another ambiguous concept).

 

[Ance]

He/she didn't force me to do it.