I have a problem with feeling attraction towards one of my abusers (or people who remind me of him) and then later feeling so ashamed that sometimes it makes me suicidal. I hope I’m not the only one who has felt like this because right now I feel alone and disgusting. For some reason when it comes to other people who have been sexually abused, I completely understand that it can warp their sexuality and that it isn’t their fault. It’s always different when it’s me.
I think a lot of this has to do with the part inside of me that is loyal to my abusers and “loves” them (my therapist officially diagnosed me with DID on Monday). The part that wishes she could go back to them and would do anything they tell her to do. The part who wants to find someone exactly like them to keep hurting her. Let’s call her A.
I met with one of my doctors today. He is an attractive, intelligent older man who is at the same time affectionate and demeaning towards me. He calls me baby and is touchy, but also acts like I’m stupid and scolds me for doing things that he doesn’t want me to do. Etc. He sends me on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling wanting and feeling worthless. There are other physical ways that he reminds me of my abuser, but I don’t think they’re relevant. I’m 20 and he’s probably 60. A loves him.
While I was with him today and for a couple of hours afterward, I felt overjoyed at seeing him. He made me feel special and I wanted a different kind of relationship with him. I started making plans to seduce him the next time I see him. The line is blurry as to what I was doing versus what A was doing, but she's probably responsible for a lot of it given how now I'm feeling completely different and am having a hard time remembering the past few hours. Now the shame is starting to settle in the pit of my stomach. I feel nauseous. I know that other people would think that what happened was gross. I even told my friend earlier and she didn’t seem to think it was as cool as I did. I remember telling her something like “it’s only sexual harassment if I don’t enjoy it”. Wtf was I thinking? That is so gross. He probably shouldn’t be acting this way with his patients. And I shouldn’t be enjoying it.
This is a recurring issue. I seem to be magnetized toward people who remind me of my abuser. Usually, people who are more cruel than my doctor. It’s like I want them to hurt me. It makes me feel like what happened to me when I was a child was partially my fault, that I wanted it. I know this is probably unreasonable. I know that A probably only feels and acts this way because she thinks that if she’s in her abuser's good graces then he won’t hurt her as badly. Something like Stockholm syndrome. It still feels horrible though. I feel like a monster
I think a lot of this has to do with the part inside of me that is loyal to my abusers and “loves” them (my therapist officially diagnosed me with DID on Monday). The part that wishes she could go back to them and would do anything they tell her to do. The part who wants to find someone exactly like them to keep hurting her. Let’s call her A.
I met with one of my doctors today. He is an attractive, intelligent older man who is at the same time affectionate and demeaning towards me. He calls me baby and is touchy, but also acts like I’m stupid and scolds me for doing things that he doesn’t want me to do. Etc. He sends me on an emotional rollercoaster of feeling wanting and feeling worthless. There are other physical ways that he reminds me of my abuser, but I don’t think they’re relevant. I’m 20 and he’s probably 60. A loves him.
While I was with him today and for a couple of hours afterward, I felt overjoyed at seeing him. He made me feel special and I wanted a different kind of relationship with him. I started making plans to seduce him the next time I see him. The line is blurry as to what I was doing versus what A was doing, but she's probably responsible for a lot of it given how now I'm feeling completely different and am having a hard time remembering the past few hours. Now the shame is starting to settle in the pit of my stomach. I feel nauseous. I know that other people would think that what happened was gross. I even told my friend earlier and she didn’t seem to think it was as cool as I did. I remember telling her something like “it’s only sexual harassment if I don’t enjoy it”. Wtf was I thinking? That is so gross. He probably shouldn’t be acting this way with his patients. And I shouldn’t be enjoying it.
This is a recurring issue. I seem to be magnetized toward people who remind me of my abuser. Usually, people who are more cruel than my doctor. It’s like I want them to hurt me. It makes me feel like what happened to me when I was a child was partially my fault, that I wanted it. I know this is probably unreasonable. I know that A probably only feels and acts this way because she thinks that if she’s in her abuser's good graces then he won’t hurt her as badly. Something like Stockholm syndrome. It still feels horrible though. I feel like a monster