If I need to post on a different thread, let me know. Sorry about the stream of consciousness. I've woven in more details about the assault; that's just my style of writing.
I told my mom about the sexual assault yesterday. I wrote out a note telling her few details. I told her it was a boy of the same age and two people whom it was not (my closest friends at the time). I also said I didn't blame anyone in the family.
About three weeks ago I told her that my shrink (I'm not using this term in derogatory manner; he's terrific) thought I had PTSD; I needed to let her know why I was so angry. I told her it wasn't anyone in our family and not ask me more about it. She complied.
I slept the entire day before. I started running on the treadmill at about 5 AM and finished about two hours later. I just started running again. I've been eating my feelings and, after years of being on the low end of a healthy weight, I have a BMI of 28. I had nothing but crap in between. A sugary protein bar, a pint of vegan ice cream, two bags of popcorn (including one with vegan margarine), and 1 1/2 diet Dr. Peppers. After showering I sat on the edge of the tub thinking about whether or not to tell her, for what felt like a long time.
I told her I was ready to tell her the cause of my PTSD and through my tears I said she needed to be stoic when she read the note. I went into her bathroom and waited. Shortly after she read the note I threw up (eventually it was everything I had eaten) from a combination of the extreme anxiety and overexertion. I laid on the bed talking a little bit about what happened and how I felt but mostly about things only tangentially related. I'm comfortable about talking about my sex life, so I told her the entirety of it, as well as how difficult it is to feel close to people now. I told her we were experimenting non-physically and that he threatened that he would tell people, if I didn't do what he wanted. I said I wish I knew that there was no way he would have said anything. I told her I sometimes flashback to those involuntarily physical pleasures and the extreme emotional distress
I told her I had done things to my high school girlfriend (and only girlfriend) that I shouldn't have. The ex doesn't seem to be upset about, as she's contacted me, telling me that I'm one of the most interesting people she's ever met and wants to hang out. That is definitely not something I can deal with.
I ran 3 1/2 miles more that evening and eventually managed to fall asleep at about 11 PM and woke up around 2 PM. I had some strange nightmares.
