Good work just posting, both of you!! Yay, for just doing stuff cause you feel like it. :) (Hugs!)
Yes, lately I have become more aware of my own feelings/emotions, the non-verbal feelings that just fly by almost under the radar. They are preverbal, not fully formed "somethings." And I've noticed and been alarmed to realize that most of this self "talk" is negative or self-critical amounting to me just basically being in the habit of castigating myself for not being as perfect as I ought to be.
As I examine what I meant, I guess I think that there is this set of "perfect people" somewhere I am supposed to fit into (an idea my mother created to be the ideal Christian, I suppose). I was supposed to live up to her imagined ideal. Now I realize how pervasive she brainwashed me, and how much I adopted her critical voice as my inner monologue.
I feel elated and a bit proud to have finally accessed this inner critic voice, because I feel I intercepted the microphone and can instantly shut off the tape that is running that negative thinking about me. It no longer is an accurate picture of me. I can shut it down; it's like a computer virus. I don't need it to run my life or my "computer."
I've been noticing when this inner voice starts to say "Oh no, now you're in for it because you didn't do perfectly, so....." (usually I tense and the anxiety builds). Now, before that happens, I intercept the judgement and replace it with a real thought: "I don't need perfection. I like myself myself for how I do things now." :)
Everyone is telling me I look different. Well, to be honest, they are using the word "cute!" Hmmm. I don't quite know what to say to it, but I feel more happy inside. My dreams have been okay, too. Where did the nightmares go?
I still feel fat and sort of dumpy, still have image issues and self esteem problems that I don't know if I can ever budge, but at least the voice inside saying "Fire and Brimstone are coming!" I can shut off and replace with "Whatever, I like how I do things."
It just "happened," like stumbling on a secret door that let me tap into the part of me that has been beating myself up.
The only thing I've done different is drink another coffee at work and put more pleasure into that during my day (self care?) and try to dress a little more nicely to work with my looks a bit.
Has this happened to you before? I think I've had ups and downs with this.
I want this to continue to improve in my thinking. I want to tell the world about it, because I'm grateful for it, like the sun finally coming out. I have to give the credit to not working too much. I dropped one contract, so I guess I have more wiggle room in my day. :)
I just want to encourage you that doing one nice thing for yourself to bring a harmless pleasure into your daily routine can't hurt and it has helped me. I say, buy the Kurig and enjoy a cup of coffee (or whatever your cup of tea is) to make your main routines infused with a sense of self-reward.
Maybe that has helped. I dunno for sure. Worth a try though.
Muse
