Shame

[Catlovers141]

How do you get past the sense of shame that so many of us feel? I know logically that I didn't do anything that should make me ashamed, and that if anyone should feel ashamed it's my abuser, but I can't help but feel ashamed and alone. Anyone have any insight on this? Why do I feel so ashamed even though I know that I don't need to?

 

[Chava]

I focus on something I love. I love working with kids...am compassionate, patient, humorous, sensitive....realizing this in my self, I started to realize the shame wasn't real. I couldn't have real love and care for others and be a horrible person. Then I felt like it was easier to extend some of that compassion to myself. I even had an equation of some sorts, but can't remember. But focus on what you love, even if not yourself right now....a garden, a friend, a hobby, your work, your family, pets, whatever....love, love, love burns away the shame. It's not always gone for me. But the more I love, the less I feel shame.

 

[Intrepid]

I was told that guilt comes when you do something wrong, and shame comes when you are wrong (or feel like you are wrong, because as you know nobody in your shoes is really wrong.) I have a lot of hidden feelings about my abusers, and some of them are buried under shame. And I agree, it's not logical. But it does make sense in other ways.

One place to start is to cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for feeling shame. Just about everyone who has been abused feels shame. That feeling is there for a reason, but as you know, its NOT there because the abuse was your fault.

 

[Seasounds]

Love the above posts. 'What I am' vs, 'what I do', self-forgiveness, and ways to move into joy, are very helpful!

Why do I feel so ashamed even though I know that I don't need to?

Through doing my healing, I found that I identified myself as inherently shameful because that is what my parents directly told me, and additionally insisted, that I believe it. Besides their blaming and shaming words, the indirect messages were unending, in their voice tones, body language, abandonment, etc. Working through shame, is a life long activity, for me.

How do you get past the sense of shame that so many of us feel?

My progress has been slow and steady over decades. Through patience, and consistent and diligent efforts, I continue to make headway. Having a multi-faceted approach has worked well.

Here is my list of helpful items:

• When I deal with shame, I acknowledge it, give room to feel it, and (so it doesn't get repressed) I welcome it as a gift, to transform. Trying to shut out shame, didn't help, nor did getting stuck in it.
• Next, to transform the shame, I will verbally, and repeatedly, tell myself that "I am a good person, and have always been a good person, and I will always be a good person", trying to do my best, even though my parents couldn't appreciate my good intentions.
• The above self-help step, helps address, 'changing my core belief'. It helps to do this step a few times a day, it is like building a new, psychological immunity.
• I remind myself that my parents had problems, and that the shame they transmitted to me. was their feelings of inadequacy. I remind myself, that people in my current life, who shame me, have problems. In other words, I do my best to 'deflect' others' shame.
• I have had physical releases of deeply held shame (in my pelvic area) through body work/deep massage. I get physical support for believing that I am a good person through respectful, and kind healing touch, in therapeutic massage.
• A grounding technique helped: for 30-60 days, twice a day, for 20 seconds each time, imagine the earth's energy coming up through the souls of your feet. At some point, you'll feel a shift.
• As mentioned in the post above, so I have the ability to not get stuck in shame, I will do activities that connect me to joy.
• I do not hang out with people who use shaming expressions of anger towards me, or who are strongly affiliated with perspectives that imply shame on different types of people.
• I practice mindfulness, that helps me find peace.
• I ask good friends and my therapist to, literally, tell me, "You are a good person", to support my belief that I am a good person, even though my behaviors may need improving. Lovingly, I see myself as a work in progress.
• Emotional freedom technique helps, sometimes helps.
• Of course, I address shame in therapy. A couple of techniques really helped, where I shouted all the shaming words that I was told. Then, aloud, I gave myself positive messages, and my therapist said them to me, too.
• It has helped me to be patient with myself, and do my best to appreciate myself, even when things I try to do, don't turn out as I intended.
• Intentionally, I do things to invite myself to explore new ways of being (free of shame), and that help me explore feeling proud of myself in public. I have studied acting, in the past. Recently, I joined a choir.
• I call a friend, and ask to spend time with them--being with people who like me, naturally helps turn around shame.

Good luck in your exploration!

 

[sun seeker]

But focus on what you love, even if not yourself right now....a garden, a friend, a hobby, your work, your family, pets, whatever....love, love, love burns away the shame.

I love this. :-)

I struggle with shame in a huge way so I'm not really the person to answer this question, but will add one small thing to what Chava said. I love my kitty. No matter what I am feeling, no matter what anyone has said to me that day that triggered feeling worthless, she greets me at the door purring and wanting a tummy rub. I am always good enough for my cat, and she trusts me. Her trust makes my heart feel warm. That's love.

 

[Catlovers141]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Everyone's posts seemed to resonate with me in one way or another, so I thank you all for your time in responding and for your wonderful feedback and ideas. @Chava and @sun seeker I have recently started doing something similar to what you talked about. Last year I rescued the cat, Calvin, in my profile picture. He's the sweetest, most loving cat but he had been neglected for most of the ten years of his life until I adopted him. When I think about how poorly he was treated and what a sweetheart he is, I just want anyone who has ever been nice to him to be rewarded. So sometimes I think of myself in the third person when I don't feel like I deserve something. So maybe I don't feel like I deserve rest, but Calvin's mom certainly does and I can feel better about taking a rest.

 

[Suzetig]

I honestly don't know how you get over it - I still burn with shame at situations I've been in. I do think its something that might heal in relationship, so it's something I'm working on in therapy but its incredibly hard.

 

[sun seeker]

I recently read about something that I've been trying. It's too soon to say whether it will get rid of the shame but I'll share it because so far it feels right and somehow resonates better than the advice I've been given to just observe my feelings. Every time you have a feeling, you embrace it and welcome it. Don't try to label it, just feel the physical sensations and pay attention to them. The article said to imagine that a frightened child needing attention knocked at your door. You wouldn't turn them away and say "You're too negative so you have to go." You would say "Come in, and welcome. I'm so glad you're here." Pay attention to them and help them feel safe, and eventually they will start to feel better.

I've been doing this for a few days with both "negative" and "positive" emotions because for me, not only was I not supposed to cry or get mad, but my parents instilled shame at feeling anything good. I was supposed to be a hard-working, self-denying automaton. Letting myself just enjoy the feeling of cuddling up with my favourite blanket feels, somehow, like it takes the edge off the shame. Just the edge so far. You might want to try it.

 

[Chava]

I feel less like a fundamentally f---ed up person, unworthy of life, better half dead. But I still feel some of that shame in trying to ask for support or help from others, or be really part of any sort of friendship sometimes...like @Suzetig noted, it might be something that also heals through relationship. But that's still the hard part for me...and while I don't feel fully broken, it feels like some parts are broken and I don't know if they will ever heal or work right. But it's better than the all-horrible feelings.

Love your rescue cat! you have a good heart.

 

[Suzetig]

You described exactly how I feel @Chava, not an every day all the time feeling but in certain situations, I feel utterly shameful.

 

[Chava]

(I don't want to "like" that @Suzetig , but glad if you are gaining awareness...the bit about relationships makes sense to me, and maybe lots of us, so glad you brought it up...also why therapy can be helpful but also so scary, I think...the trust bit having a lot to do with not feeling abandoned in crisis or somehow otherwise shamed all over again)

 

[maryiscontrary]

I noticed I would feel ashamed when I let my boundaries be violated. If you have hard core boundaries, and stick with them no matter what haters start hating, then you may find shame naturally dissipates after a few months.