Shattered

[The Albatross]

Very belated condolences Kailani, and yeah that bit from your mother would freak me out a bit as well.

 

[Aarow]

When I read a trauma diary like yours, I feel so humble. You are amazing. It has been awhile since you posted here, and I'm new. Your ability to transform your life despite so much adversity---and ptsd. Helping your grandfather until his death. This is and was incredible. I hope you are getting rest and that your classes are going ok. Please take care. I had a psychotic break and heard voices a long time ago. Very frightening and a pain in the ass. Have also had fears centered around fundamental Christian teaching, hell, posession, evil spirits. I wish you peace, and hope you are in a safe place....

 

[Kailani]

Taking melatonin to sedate myself cuz I can't deal. Watched church and the pastor said God chose your parents specifically for you. Out of all the people he chose them for you. To learn what to do and sometimes what not to do. That's a hell of a lot of torture for a f$&@-- lesson!!!! Totally destroyed me. He hates me and always has

 

[Aarow]

Kailani, sorry, I don't quite understand? Who hates you? That is a terrible way to feel, whoever you are referring to....

That kind of talk really gets to me, too. Please take care of yourself, you have been through so much. I hope you can be near or listen someone who is kind to you. Instead of the preacher.

 

[Kailani]

Well a lot happening; almost done with my bachelors so that will be great if I graduate!! Might be doing my masters if they change my program. My grandfather paid for this semester so I don't want to waste his money and realllly want to finish masters ASAP!!! Trying to get financial aid so I don't end up homeless and trying to find a great rental for me and my pets til I graduate. Hate to waste money. It seems smarter to get a trailer so that way we would at least have a home to show as a PTSD backup. I think all who have had PTSD should have something paid for. I have learned the hard way. My jobs are great. Love my bosses and need to figure out how much more I should work. Where to live. I don't want to leave my town, friends, house, everything here cuz my grandpa died. But maybe I should- who knows. Hard to entirely uproot life in grief with this whopping PTSD concerned it would ruin me and all the effort I put in. I don't know. Hate driving in traffic. Major heart attack!!!! The scariest thing is I catch myself saying "we" a lot and even texted my boss that we can pick up a doctors note later!!! Who the hell is we? Me and my trauma. Me and dissociative PTSD? I can't be saying we in public!!!!!

 

[Aarow]

Hello Kailani, great to hear from you! Are you still able to live in your Grandpa's house or has it sold already? I hope you are safe and well, and have housing! for the time being. Good luck as you move forward, with whatever you decide to do as far as that goes...You are still processing so much, maybe the 'we' means you and your Grandpa. You were doing so much for him, and loved him so much!

I am still undiagnosed but have started counseling, in a bumpy way. Spaced out first appt, had a little house emergency that made me miss my third. Hope she hasn't fired me; happened yesterday. Have been meditating with guided meditations, helping enormously. I've always been either doubtful or too lacking in discipline to try it with any regularity before.

I have forgotten what you are studying, but congrats on hanging in there to get your degree!!! I hope you are able to find employment in the field that you love. And bravo for looking towards getting the Master's!!!! You take care of yourself! You are in my thoughts and prayers, xoxoxoaarow

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too @kaliani . Congratulations to you also. :hug:

PS, typed 'arrow' first by accident, so well wishes for you too @Arrow .

 

[Kailani]

Awwww thanks guys! Just called a number for PTSD hep and told them how my therapist said PTSD too severe and that my insurance doesn't cover EMDR or a PTSD specialist and he said sorry there isn't much I can do for you. We are a residential treatment center.

 

[Kailani]

The boards want me to hand in CEUs for the last three years and my computer with the certificates died. I can't get them for one year. Too overwhelmed. You guys are soooooo sweet and now my PTSD kicked in and I'm overwhelmed.

 

[Aarow]

Kailani, what does CEU stand for? And by boards, do you mean university boards? There is no other way to retrieve what your computer took when it died? Sorry, don't mean to be dense....I hope there is a way around what is causing you such stress right now. It sounds awful.

Are you ok? I'm sorry this message is so late, and hope that you have found out something positive. Is there any way that someone who works on computers could retrieve your certificates for you?

 

[Kailani]

Thank you Arrow! You are beyond sweet!!!! Still working on the CEUs for board of nursing. Also audited for my job which was easy, financial aid and school! Don't understand why all these audits! Especially now and I'm not doing anything wrong! Had to help with a horse

I've been caring for be put down this am. He was sooooooo wonderful and sweet!!!! Coyotes might have got my neighbors dog. My teaching class is great. Hope I don't dissociate too much! One day at a time. Not even an alcoholic but it's looking pretty good! Haha.

 

[Aarow]

Well, I wish you didn't have to juggle so much. My son is also studying to be a nurse. I'm so proud of him. He went to school for court reporting, the guys that take dictation during trials? but it is like learning a whole new language in a way, that you have to then interpret into a machine. He just couldn't get his speed up, but was otherwise qualified, but couldn't deal with it anymore. He'll be an awesome nurse, I think. And my best hopes for you!!

So sorry about the horse, that had to break your heart. He was lucky to have you...animals are so important, they give us so much. You take care of yourself in the next few days, ok? xoxoxo