D
Deleted member 1860
I *think* I've written about my struggles with my mother before. If not, well, I'm shocked as it's been a major part of what I'm dealing with. So if I've inadvertently left out details, please just ask.
So this past Wednesday I made plans to see my mother. We met at 1 for an activity, then planned for a late late lunch, shopping, and then were going to work on cleaning out my grandfather's house (he died about a month ago). So at the first activity my mother indicates that she doesn't want to leave (we were at an auction house) because she saw something she wanted to bid on. Great, so the rest of the afternoon was shot as this bumped back going out to eat (the restaurant was going to close) and I had planned on eating at some point as I couldn't just keep working all evening with no food. I told her that I was leaving and paid my bill and went to my car where I completely just broke down crying. My mother just placed THINGS ahead of spending time with her daughter! And not just ANY things, but things that she later admitted to me that she didn't really want, rather they were just there at the auction house and she was mildly interested but nothing more.
I was finally to the point of losing it, and YES, I did it in a very loud and public way, but I don't think anybody heard as there was nobody else in the parking lot at the time. I told her I was SICK and TIRED of her constantly backing out on me at the last minute, and that this would be the VERY last time she had the opportunity to do this to me! She has been cancelling on me and backing out on me at the very last minute for my entire life, yet chalks it all up to MISUNDERSTANDINGS! Uhm, no, they are not "misunderstandings". Telling your daughter that you will help her move cross-country and then backing out at the last minute is not a "misunderstanding". I have a lot more of these examples, too! (My dad has always picked up the slack for her.)
So anyway, she called me later that night and tried to talk things out but I was having NONE of it. I was so pissed that I told her to get the f*ck out of MY church. YES, MY church! This woman has been bashing the existence of God since before I was born, declaring herself a devout "atheist" (is there such a thing?), belonging to humanist groups, and putting down anything and everything religious. So then last Easter (2013) she SUDDENLY shows up for Good Friday Services and my whole world was thrown into turmoil. My ONE safe place was being threatened by her presence . Yes, she has a "right" to be there, just as anybody has a right to be there, but even my priest was NOT happy with the situation and knows ALL about my mother's manipulation tactics and doubts the sincerity of her new-found faith. Well, turns out she has NO new found faith! When I was on the phone with her last night she had the nerve to call me a "bad Christian" for trying to keep her out of church. There are THOUSANDS of churches in my area, SO WHY MINE!?!?! She isn't even of my faith! Why? Because nowhere else would she be able to exact her manipulation tactics! And it took a year, but I can finally say for sure that she has no new found faith. She hasn't suddenly seen the light. This is just another way for her to try and control me, control my father, but the sad thing is that SHE CAN'T!
I am very sad right now. Church and God is my one un-waivering safe place. If I had a choice I'd walk away from everyone and everything that I knew just to keep that sense of safety. YES, that's just how important it is to me! But, my mother has no concept of this whatsoever. She thinks she can bully herself in and things will be fine. Well, no, they are not fine. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, hoping and praying that she had changed, but the truth is that the wolf can't stay hidden in sheep's clothing forever. She has shown her true colors. No longer am I going to pretend to have a civil relationship with her. She doesn't even see where she has gone wrong. She even threw it in my face saying "you'll be back, you always come back". Sorry, MOMMY, not this time. You've proven yourself and I cannot allow myself to be continually battered around by your antics.
Backstory....
The Church issue is nothing new. She has been anti-church since before I was born. Come to think of it, she's been anti-everything. Anyway, part of what is so surprising is that this was a 180 degree transformation, pretty much overnight. She knew she couldn't destroy the faith of me or my father from outside, so she had to get herself inside and work that way. Sick, Sick, Sick. She tries to tear me apart from God but I am the bad Christian because I don't want her at the one church service that I have been going to for years. Yes, I could change, but this is a special kind of service within my church and I would probably have to drive an hour or more just to find the same service, not to mention the fact that I wouldn't know anybody there. Why the heck am I trying to make up excuses?!!? Argh.
@shimmerz mentioned putting energy toward something positive, and that's what I was doing. I had a great project that I just thought up a few days ago and I'm SO excited about it! But then all this stuff happened and derailed me for a bit. I am still excited about my project and it will continue moving me forward.
I just need to mourn the loss of my mom. This really is the end. I can't have her threatening my ONE true and unwaivering sense of safety in this world. Non-negotiable.
So this past Wednesday I made plans to see my mother. We met at 1 for an activity, then planned for a late late lunch, shopping, and then were going to work on cleaning out my grandfather's house (he died about a month ago). So at the first activity my mother indicates that she doesn't want to leave (we were at an auction house) because she saw something she wanted to bid on. Great, so the rest of the afternoon was shot as this bumped back going out to eat (the restaurant was going to close) and I had planned on eating at some point as I couldn't just keep working all evening with no food. I told her that I was leaving and paid my bill and went to my car where I completely just broke down crying. My mother just placed THINGS ahead of spending time with her daughter! And not just ANY things, but things that she later admitted to me that she didn't really want, rather they were just there at the auction house and she was mildly interested but nothing more.
I was finally to the point of losing it, and YES, I did it in a very loud and public way, but I don't think anybody heard as there was nobody else in the parking lot at the time. I told her I was SICK and TIRED of her constantly backing out on me at the last minute, and that this would be the VERY last time she had the opportunity to do this to me! She has been cancelling on me and backing out on me at the very last minute for my entire life, yet chalks it all up to MISUNDERSTANDINGS! Uhm, no, they are not "misunderstandings". Telling your daughter that you will help her move cross-country and then backing out at the last minute is not a "misunderstanding". I have a lot more of these examples, too! (My dad has always picked up the slack for her.)
So anyway, she called me later that night and tried to talk things out but I was having NONE of it. I was so pissed that I told her to get the f*ck out of MY church. YES, MY church! This woman has been bashing the existence of God since before I was born, declaring herself a devout "atheist" (is there such a thing?), belonging to humanist groups, and putting down anything and everything religious. So then last Easter (2013) she SUDDENLY shows up for Good Friday Services and my whole world was thrown into turmoil. My ONE safe place was being threatened by her presence . Yes, she has a "right" to be there, just as anybody has a right to be there, but even my priest was NOT happy with the situation and knows ALL about my mother's manipulation tactics and doubts the sincerity of her new-found faith. Well, turns out she has NO new found faith! When I was on the phone with her last night she had the nerve to call me a "bad Christian" for trying to keep her out of church. There are THOUSANDS of churches in my area, SO WHY MINE!?!?! She isn't even of my faith! Why? Because nowhere else would she be able to exact her manipulation tactics! And it took a year, but I can finally say for sure that she has no new found faith. She hasn't suddenly seen the light. This is just another way for her to try and control me, control my father, but the sad thing is that SHE CAN'T!
I am very sad right now. Church and God is my one un-waivering safe place. If I had a choice I'd walk away from everyone and everything that I knew just to keep that sense of safety. YES, that's just how important it is to me! But, my mother has no concept of this whatsoever. She thinks she can bully herself in and things will be fine. Well, no, they are not fine. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, hoping and praying that she had changed, but the truth is that the wolf can't stay hidden in sheep's clothing forever. She has shown her true colors. No longer am I going to pretend to have a civil relationship with her. She doesn't even see where she has gone wrong. She even threw it in my face saying "you'll be back, you always come back". Sorry, MOMMY, not this time. You've proven yourself and I cannot allow myself to be continually battered around by your antics.
Backstory....
The Church issue is nothing new. She has been anti-church since before I was born. Come to think of it, she's been anti-everything. Anyway, part of what is so surprising is that this was a 180 degree transformation, pretty much overnight. She knew she couldn't destroy the faith of me or my father from outside, so she had to get herself inside and work that way. Sick, Sick, Sick. She tries to tear me apart from God but I am the bad Christian because I don't want her at the one church service that I have been going to for years. Yes, I could change, but this is a special kind of service within my church and I would probably have to drive an hour or more just to find the same service, not to mention the fact that I wouldn't know anybody there. Why the heck am I trying to make up excuses?!!? Argh.
@shimmerz mentioned putting energy toward something positive, and that's what I was doing. I had a great project that I just thought up a few days ago and I'm SO excited about it! But then all this stuff happened and derailed me for a bit. I am still excited about my project and it will continue moving me forward.
I just need to mourn the loss of my mom. This really is the end. I can't have her threatening my ONE true and unwaivering sense of safety in this world. Non-negotiable.
