Relationship She Won't Talk Or Respond To Me

[Tibbles123]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7-8 months with about a 2 month break due to some issues she was having with PTSD from combat and her child abuse (she broke up with me brutally telling me she never loved me over text). She's very open about her issues and abuse and is in therapy with the VA. She's very stressed from nursing school so I try to give her as much space as possible and let her initiate most contact. I also found out her mess up of an older brother got beat up in jail Friday night and her family leans on her for anything that's goes wrong ( this stresses her out immensely).

We got back together in July and things have been amazing for the last 7 weeks, that is until last Sunday morning when we got in an argument about her being unsure at times. She goes from wanting to be married to me and trying having kids this December to not being sure about us. This up and down causes me to question things about her feelings and this really pisses her off.

Anyway, so after the argument Sunday we didn't talk for a day and a half. We talked again this past Tuesday and things were good, but she was being a bit disrespectful as to how I'm so accommodating to her and care for her so much. I love her so much and I'm very attentive and affectionate, but i understand she is not always the same way and I'm fine with that.

By way of background, her previous relationships have been with guys that are verbally abusive and not as successful as her. I'm the opposite I rarely yell or get angry, never verbally abusive and I'm very successful and well educated.

I guess I had my fill of her poking at me about my kindness and attentiveness (as if I don't have a backbone) and I left the phone conversation with her Tuesday night fairly annoyed and woke up pissed off Wednesday, but later realized I was stressed due to my mothers upcoming cancer surgery. So instead of biting her head off at some point in the day I decided to text her "hey I need space today. You were a bit disrespectful and that's not alright. All I was trying to say last night is that I support your feelings and I'll be patient and back off." Admittedly, that was passive aggressive and stupid, but I try my best to not lash out in anger unless necessary. I'm a 6'4" 270lb former division 1 football player so I try to keep my anger in check for obvious reasons.

Thursday I tried to contact her and got no response to several text messages and two phone calls. I backed off Friday and did not contact her at all. I sent her a text Saturday telling her about my mom's cancer surgery on Friday morning, and I think that's why I was on edge Wednesday as I was extremely stressed about it and I apologized for not being able to constructively speak about it. (I'm not a person that asks for emotional help or help with anything really). Still nothing.

We have never gone this long without talking with one another with the exception of her breaking up with me.

Is she just isolating? What can I do?

 

[Justmehere]

She might be isolating, might not be. She might be mad or might be dealing with a broken phone.... only she can say for sure why she is not responding.

I think your effort to ask for space because you were hurt was setting a boundary. If you did it to get back at her, rather than to set a limit with what you wanted in your life at the time, then yeah, it was passive aggressive and not cool.

It could be that what you see as being attentive to her feelings she might see differently or might feel overwhelmed with it. It might help to ask her what she would find to be supportive. As a sufferer, I find that too much kindness is overwhelming and I will push the person away. If she was teasing you, it could be that she was pushing you away because it was too much to take in. Vets are especially trained to not show emotional weakness, and being open and frank and being able to tolerate the vulnerability of accepting kindness from others are two very different things.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Here's my two cents...

My husband's passive-aggressive behavior was the railroad spike in my marriage's coffin. PTSD and passive-aggression do not mix well. PTSD sufferers need to feel safe, and that's impossible when one is always having to wait for the next (subtle) attack.

You don't know how your kindness and support are perceived by your girlfriend. If you are passive-aggressive, it may appear to be you playing the martyr. Or perhaps she senses something in your words or actions that cause her to question your sincerity - perhaps a feeling like you're keeping score, or are more grudging than you intend.

And one more thing - if you can't give of yourself freely - no strings attached, no expectations - then you're both better off if you don't give at all.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Here's my two cents...

My husband's passive-aggressive behavior was the railroad spike in my marr...

Asking on my behalf but how can the supporter change if you never tell them?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Statsattack. Good question. I didn't even recognize it in my own relationship because I was too busy feeling ashamed of my own reactions when I was triggered. All I know is that if you're holding grudges from past hurts, they will come out in passive-aggressive ways eventually. And for the person they're aimed at, trust is instantly destroyed, because they are always wary of another attack.

Having said that, though, wouldn't you know if you're passive-aggressive?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't see how asking for space for a day, then taking the day off, was passive aggressive. He stood up for himself and took some space. That was honesty if you ask me, especially if he was over it and needed a day off from being the whipping boy.

He seems to feel like he was passive aggressive because he told her she was disrespectful last night and it was not OK. That's not passive aggressive. That is a boundary.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

@Statsattack. Good question. I didn't even recognize it in my own relationship...

I just know that I was too reliant on my friend to make me happy and I neglected to many things for to long. Just praying that me seeing therapy and making the changes she will let me back in

 

[EveHarrington]

I just know that I was too reliant on my friend to make me happy and I neglected to many things for...

I don't think you're close to "getting it".

You still don't understand that it's a her issue and not a you issue per se.

Continue to mold yourself around her and it will never stop. You'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.

 

[Tibbles123]

Hey guys,

Sorry for the late reply. All I was trying to do was set a boundary, but I could have gone about it in a more straight forward way. Regardless, it was something I needed to do. I don't keep score with her. I give so much to this relationship and don't ask for anything in return. So much so she says it makes her feel guilty.

I called her out via text for not talking to me for a week this past Monday and I actually got a text back with the litany of things I do wrong (I don't listen to her feelings (that change almost weekly), I don't tell her about my family so how can we be friends, etc). I called her and we had a short argument before she had to hang up on me to take her mom's phone call. I sent her a text that night telling her I understand what as is saying and that I'm not perfect but I can be better about opening up about my personal struggles, and respecting her feelings). I called her today and left a vm stating I love her for who she is but this silent treatment is emotional abuse and I won't take it. Still nothing.

At loss at what to do. It's been 8 days since we have had an actual conversation.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I know you're hurting. I wish the two of you could talk, and resolve this one way or another so that you can get on with your lives. Without knowing either of you, without having the opportunity to watch you interact, it's impossible to understand what's going on. You could be the love of her life, or a creep who won't back off, or anything in between.

I wish you both peace and acceptance.