General Should A Ptsd Sufferer Have Children, Or Is This A Bad Idea?

[atl22]

I really want children and I want them to have the childhood that I did not have. My fiancee had a normal life and she has been helping me learn what children do, what they read and play with. I skipped most of that. Cartoons, comic books, all that was trash to me. Superheroes did not exist. There was no one to save me but myself. My only goal was survival, to claw my way out of the devil's zone.

When my fiancee's niece visits, I look forward to reading books with her because I am learning and catching up with everyone else. My fiancee used to be shocked that I have never read the children's books that all children read. She stopped asking me years ago if I have read certain books because the answer was always the same. "No. Never heard of it." I never told her but it was a massive trigger and really set me off because it would make me think of my childhood. I really try to never think of that because I get angry that I was robbed of happiness and all the things children do. I think of my father and I start thinking "I am bigger now. Stronger. Trained in violence. I should go give him a piece of what he gave me." but that would get me nowhere and change nothing.

At the same time, I am terrified that I would be just like my father. That is why I am trying to learn how to cope with PTSD and why, for the first time in my life, I am going to start therapy. I can not be like my father. I must learn to control my rage. I never want to make a child terrified, that would destroy me.

 

[anni]

Noone can speak for anyone else's journey, or what they are capable of, I know. I would have to think that this determination and resolve would go awfully far towards not being your father in the end. A good T will be able to discuss all this with you in time. I'm only answering again because I honestly do know a father of 2 who grew up with a violent alcoholic. He was overly passive with his children to begin with, spent many years in therapy but expressed the same determination to never, ever 'be his father'-and he wasn't. Pehaps it is the determination, since I was married to someone who turned into theirs and never made the slightest attempt not to.

 

[Sterre]

Becoming a ( single) mother certainly worsened my CPTSD, but it also provides me with lots of opportunities to heal myself. Seeing my little girl, reminds me of myself, and often I find myself in a situation with her that triggers a lot of emotions and confusion. Everyday is a new day for me and her, everyday is filled with opportunities to chance my past by raising her.

I think of myself as a good mother, I can provide safety for her, I am able to give her a stable and loving home. I can give her the healty bounderies she needs, and I love her to death.

My biggest challenge is not to overcompensate my terrible youth by spoiling her to much, or by a lack of setting boundaries for her. I try to keep my confusion thats sometimes raised by situations with her, to myself and talk about it with my T or her father. And I do the time-out thing for myself when I feel triggered.

I think, when you are selfaware and aware of your PTSD symptoms, you can be a (good)parent.

 

[Sethe]

I think that there are so many other factors that affect the efficacy of a 'good parent.'

Do people question whether or not someone missing a leg (or other body part) would be a good parent?

Should a quadriplegic have kids? Someone in a wheelchair? What about Steven Hawking?

What about someone who is mentally retarded?

What about a blind or deaf parent?

How about those people with other illnesses (diabetes, Lou Gehrig Disease, bipolar, BPD)? Do they qualify? Are they 'able' to be 'good' parents?

What is a 'good' parent?

There are some people who think that all families should have one 'mommy' and one 'daddy', but not two daddies or mommies or just one.

People who work hard and do their best to improve the quality of their own lives and the lives of others can do no more. People who have 'handicaps' or 'illnesses' and who still do their best to improve their lives have every right to be parents.

So, YES, I think that someone with PTSD (or CPTSD) definitely has the potential to be a 'good parent.' To think otherwise is insulting.

My father may have PTSD, but he wasn't a very good parent. I have CPTSD, but I am not my father.

If anything, I am very aware of how to NOT treat a child. I do not know everything there is to know and I'm sure that I WILL MAKE MISTAKES, but that's part of learning. There is no 'magic' book (not even by Spock) or authority that lists dictates the absolutely correct way to be a 'good' parent.

Other factors that I believe affect the ability to be a 'good' parent:

You've got to want them, love them and TELL them that you want and love them.

If you don't want kids, or just see them as amusement/side hobby or a way to placate your spouse/partner, then do us (and them) a favor and do NOT have them.

 

[Sterre]

@ Sethe: Hear Hear!

 

[xxarmywifexx]

This is a very hard question. I love my two daughters. DH and I had them very early in our marriage. He suffers from PTSD and I, CPTSD. Children are resiliant but what they learn comes from home first. The pick up on bad habits and good ones as well. My husband is a very good father...in fact wonderful. He sees things that I don't pick-up on. There are days when he can't stand the noise. As where I love the giggles of my young daughters because I didn't have much of a childhood. It's complex. Sleepless nights. Could bring the two of you together...could devide you. Could bring the worst or the best out in each of you. One thing for sure is true colors will show once the two of you are challenged. A childs life is nothing to play with. Give it time...If I would have known I would have to deal with half of what I deal with now. I would have thought twice about having my children. I love my girls mind you and I wouldn't give them up for the world. Sometimes it's hard for me as a caregiver and sufferer to spin all these plates. Making sure everyone is well and at the end of the day...make sure I'm in one piece. Because like Hopelives said on this thread it's a 24 self sacrafice, no matter the age of the child.

Motherhood and Fatherhood is very special, often taken for granted and abandoned. I realize most my pain is in this thread. Because it's something that I struggled with all my life. Many adults in my life had many things wrong with them that weren't addressed.

Children are wonderful. The purest form of life. They are what you make them.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Sethe, simply wondeful post.

 

[Buck Compton]

As an expecting father i can tell you that the prospect of having children while having ptsd is very frightening, i am afraid that i will not be able to love them the way a "normal" father would, but at the same time i expect it to be a very therapeutic experience, having someone there who is completely innocent, someone who will take me as their roll model, someone who will not look at me with eyes clouded by judgment.

But most of all, i will have another person to spend my days with, someone else to worry about instead of worrying about myself all the time, someone to keep me company, someone who needs me as much as i need them.

If i had to make the choice for you guys i would say "Have kids!" life is an amazing thing.

 

[Powder]

I wasn't going to have kids, but nature doesn't always comply with birth control. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't feel ready yet. But I was very determined to do an awesome job. So I educated myself and did journaling and all kinds of things to get myself in a good place to welcome her into the world with open and loving arms.

Now I know that I should have been in counseling. I was when she was a few months old. You can say PTSD caused me to not be objective about my suffering, but I think it's more to do with the fact that the trauma likely started so soon, that I've "always been this way" and didn't really have much awareness that this isn't how everyone feels all the time.

But I have to say, I agree with EVERYONE above who said that you need a strong, healthy 2nd parent to help shoulder the parenting when you can't. Yes! Please take that into consideration. A PTSD sufferer with a loving, supportive, and dedicated partner who is committment to them is going to be a different parent from a PTSD sufferer who is unable to have 24-7 on-call help for the little things, which add up quickly in family life.

I recently had a break down after three+ nights of being up taking care of my youngest who was ill. The worry I get when my family is ill plus the lack of sleep brought me literally to my knees the minute my husband left the house for a couple hours. I had thought I could handle it, but my cup ran over after being left alone with the exhaustion and the recovering little one. I could take care of her, but my emotions just gave out at that point. He came home to find me clinging to a door frame with tears running down my face. He had to talk to me to calm me down, get me into a warm bath I was trying to get started, and take care of the little one all within 5 minutes. He is am amazing man. I am very fortunate and proud of myself for choosing him. But he has his hands full with a family and a wife with PTSD. I would say that the hardest part for him is when my anger comes out. This has gotten better. He says it's only a couple to a few times per year now, but he knows it's PTSD and he doesn't like that side of me.

 

[Gamereign555]

The thought of having children or getting married has always made me afraid but now that I have PTSD, I don't know what to think. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and I know she wants what everybody else has. She has told me that she would be happy either way but the thought of denying her of those things out of fear of unknown saddens me. But still I dont know what to do, I'm glad this thread is here I will read though it now.

 

[Powder]

Gamereign555,
What concerns me from my own preconceptions is that with your login name, you are a player of video games. This can become a real addiction for those suffering from PTSD, particularly men. It becomes an escape and a form of dissociation to numb the pain. I don't know if that is you, but you need to take that into consideration. A child will take all you have to give, and then some. You won't have time or energy for gaming, unless you choose to be a negligent husband and father. So I would ask you to see if you can put it away for a whole year and take walks, read books or websites about becoming a father, actively help plan the wedding or whatever ceremony you may have, write your own vows, and do all kinds of things that have to do with family. If you can do all that and not miss gaming and keep your PTSD in line with therapy and other supports, creating a balanced healthy life to bring a child and a marriage into, then there is no reason why you can't both enjoy all that life has to offer those willing to make the sacrifices to have really earned it.

I watched my brother in law loose his family and everything else from his gaming. He eventually made his kids and wife stay out of his living room, because "they distracted" him from the game. Grrrrrr! Yes, I have a huge problem with gaming for those who "need it." He even met his second wife through gaming. That marriage is on the rocks, as gaming is all they had, and it isn't a basis for a life. It's not real.
Having PTSD is one thing, but living in a fantasy is another. As Anthony has said, we cannot run from our trauma, our memories, and our active healing process. We have to daily take a step forward and create time to rest with our family.

You should check out the Stress Cups illustration he made under Articles. It will show you some ideas that you can use to base your decision on.

Like you, I didn't want to have kids. I now have two. They are wonderful, and I've learned so much from the process of being part of my own family. The hard part is, PTSD makes it easy to be drained. I am fortunate that I have a good, healthy carer who takes care of me and the kids. He doesn't play games of any kind; he is too busy being a husband and father, and a really great one at that. We couldn't be the team we are if either of us had a hobby or pastime that took too much of our attention away from life.

Now, I don't know that this even applies to you; I'm just using your login to base an assumption that may be off base. But I don't think it's fair if someone doesn't just say it, you know?

 

[Gamereign555]

Thanks for the concern. Fortunately I can't play video games for very long or watch TV/computer as it leaves me drained and sometimes symptomatic.
That alone makes me want to go mow the lawn or go out and look for a job, help out around the house,ect.