General Should A Ptsd Sufferer Have Children, Or Is This A Bad Idea?

[May1321]

This is an interesting topic... It's made me think A LOT about my life right now and maybe even let go of some 'old' ideals I used to have just because realistically I'm getting older and not sure if I even want to have kids when and if my sufferer and I stay together as we had originally planned. The kids was a hot topic - especially from him knowing his anxiety levels and prior to the PTSD showing it's dark depths.

It may seem hard to believe right now, but there are some good things that come out of PTSD and therapy.

I definitely agree with this and just stick to my original stance of 'not ready to just take it off the table' meaning by getting 'fixed' or drastically changing birth control methods.

I don't know if I can have kids, personally, and I love dogs/pets and last night the real truth is I hate battling weight/stretch marks :rolleyes: So I'm not totally opposed with not having kids for the sake of PTSD but again, objectively, I think all of the above is true too - good communication and the beauty of raising a child and just leaving it on the table allowing time and maybe fate to decide vs a 'planned pregnancy'.

 

[Powder]

Having children can be a healing journey for your own childhood, but from what happened to me, I believe that people need to work on themselves to the point that they are healed and able to be there 100 % for someone else. Since that can't be objectively known by anyone, it would take having more than one second opinion and also being sure that you're ready and your spouse or significant other is committed to the idea.

Muse

 

[scott_1971_h]

I've thought about this from time to time. But right now I'd like a relationship that lasts more than 6 months...
Scott

 

[Nicolette]

My thoughts....

I think you need to ask yourself these questions:
* Is my PTSD reasonably managed?
* Do I have reliable & constant long term support available if required?
* Am I able to put someone before my own needs at times?
* What are my reasons for having a child? Am I in the right state of mind to make such a decision?

I think it depends on the individual, as it does without PTSD.
*

 

[Powder]

Nicolette makes some very good points.

I want to give you a picture for those who are unfamiliar with parenting. This is what really happens to me frequently:

It's Saturday morning. I got to sleep in to maybe 8 am if I'm lucky. I'm drained from working all week, and still angry about some things from work that I haven't talked to my Hubby about since the kids took our attention Friday night. I had nightmares, but at least I slept. I haven't talked about those either, because the kids and H need coffee and milk bottles and juice and breakfast first. Then, the H starts talking about his dream, which triggers a lot of frustration in me, because it makes me feel afraid of him not being able to support me, while I support the whole family of four.

Meanwhile, I shower, occassionally hearing the screams of my 1 year old as she bangs her head against the bathroom door because she's mad I'm home today and not holding her every second of the day. Then, I get out early, not getting to finish shaving everything. I towel off and hold her on the couch in the towel for twenty minutes. I look at the clock and see it's already 10:30 AM and feel like my Saturday is half gone and I haven't even gotten dressed yet or done the morning dishes. My 11 year old keeps touching me and wanting to hug me, and I'm in therapy two days earlier saying how hard it is for me when she comes up behind me and grabs me in a bear hug. She means no harm and justs wants to steal a hug from her busy mom; but it is triggering for me. Sometimes I don't handle it really well, when I'm tired. I practically tell her not to ever touch me. And I can see it hurts her feelings sometimes, even though I explain about PTSD and feeling overstimulated. After explalining that, and getting dressed while the 1 year old runs through the room pulling down the clean laundry we just folded and set on the bed to put away today. I feel like "why bother."

It's about 1 pm before everyone has been fed, dressed, and the little one's boo boos are in a bandaide, so we can leave the house. I'm already overwhelmed and have to take 1/4 of a pill just to do so without feeling ready to panic.

Let me just say that I had my two a decade apart with the same man, who has been my rock for over 15 years. I have good support at home, and am very lucky we are all healthy. That said, I have PTSD, which was actually not that noticeable other than depression when I was young. Now, it's more anxiety based as I have a lot more people to worry about and more responsibility than ever before. It is probably at its peak in my life right now. So I need to give myself some credit for handling as well as I have. I'm working in a difficult job and supporting the whole family myself. Not easy. Most burned out after two years, and I'm over six.

What you must know is that you never get to relax the same again as prior to kids. And when you have PTSD, relaxing is a good thing you need to do. But also, I wouldn't change it for anything. I haven't had depression anymore because I love them so much and they give total meaning to my life. Without them to love and live for, I wouldn't find life worth much, even with my wonderful spouse. But I am a real mom through and through and just love kids, even kids I don't know well.

Just my two cents, Muse

 

[Nicolette]

And when you have PTSD, relaxing is a good thing you need to do. But also, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I think what Muse wrote would be a shortened version of what Anthony would say.

Anthony loves his kids to death, doesn't regret them however they do make it more difficult for him to relax which he needs to do at times for his own management. He says that a child's innocence and the stress they cause is easier for him to deal with than adult stress.

 

[Daisee1203]

Wow. Great topic/question. I suppose it is only up to the couple and if it is the right choice for them. But here is my perspective:
I personally do not want children (one reason of many) because I doubt my inability to care for them when I experience symptoms. I can't imagine my life being symptom free as big life events (moving, new job, relationships, etc.) tend to freak me out so much I can't think straight. Even with all the great support I have I can't see myself doing it. And I don't want to place the majority of care on my partner...should be equal. And I don't want to traumatize a child. They deserve wholeness. And while sometimes, I am, I don't feel I'm consistent enough with it to handle full time care. I need lots of breaks. Lots of quiet time. Lots of alone time. You can't do that with a baby that totally depends on you. You can tell a partner...I need to be alone. Babies don't understand it. I also don't like lots of noise. And babies are loud. I used to be a nanny for 4 diff families. Children need to vocalize. :) But I want my house quiet for the most part.

Could this change? Of course. We can grow. Heal. Learn better coping techniques. Get better at managing. But I'm in my 30's and I can't predict my course in this. So for right now it is no for me.

 

[a3a2]

I have ptsd and am a mom of four. I didn't get diagnosed until after they were born, I only knew I didn't want them to have my upbringing. Now that I know about the ptsd, I work on it extra hard for my kids.

My oldest is only 14, so I guess the jury is still out on how my kids will turn out, but so far so good. Their teachers believe them to be well adjusted and good students. They get along well with their classmates, and are respectful to adults. They hear "I love you" several times a day, and my fourteen year old still gives me a kiss on the cheek when I drop him off at school.

Do I think everybody should have kids? No. But I don't think ptsd should exclude us from being parents. I know lots of people without ptsd who have lousy relationships with their kids, and lots of people with ptsd who have great relationships with their kids.

I am not concerned about you being ambivolent towards parenting. My husband was ambivolent as well, and he is a great dad. According to the adoption classes I took, men tend to be more ambivolent towards parenting until they have kids than females.

My advice....read lots of parenting books. Have your fiance' get the help she needs, and you too. Talk to people about parenting, and then decide for yourselves.

 

[AzureMind]

Don't rush into anything especially when children are involved; I can almost say confidently that she'll agree with this, because I think most people who suffer from PTSD (usually the ones that suffer early childhood abuse) want to create families that can validate their existence....she'll want to be that mother that everyone envies, and shines in the eyes of her children....she wants that family that she always wanted to have when she was in the midst of a shit storm....but you can't just do that.....the best thing is to continue or seek a therapy that will help with situation; I can say that it probably BURNS in her to have that family....it's been my ONLY DREAM since I was old enough to remember it....I remember when I came to the decision at age 7 that I wanted to be a father....that I wanted to have kids, and raise them with NOTHING but love, and room to grow, experiment, change, and love until they knew it was second nature, and not some elusive idea that can be hung over your head like a carrot on a string.....discuss this with her, and try to acknowledge her desire for children, without vetoing the idea (or her feelings!!!!). I'm sure she has her doubts, but try to reaffirm her that they can and WILL be worked through....good luck!!

 

[Powder]

I believe that no matter what you got as a child, you can give out what you want. But PTSD and all attendant issues, need to inventoried on the baggage list. This baggage finds a way to become an issue for others, no matter how hard one works at it.

 

[BrazenBull]

I have a saying for myself "If i have to think twice about it, then its best not to do it" but take some time to think about it.

Personally I'd stick to keeping dogs :X

 

[stuff]

I have a dog. She's great and about as close as I will ever get I think. I love children so much, but based on what I went through growing up, I could never have one of my own. A friend of mine once said she understood. She thought I would be an amazing mother to my kids, but lose myself in the process, which I agree is likely. My main reason for not wanting them is that I feel like my inability to focus would make me a bad parent. I would want to be able to give a child my full attention and help them be their best, but I can't even do that for myself most days. The idea that I could ever have a supportive partner in a situation like that is unfathomable for me too.