Had a great talk with my therapist this week about a melt down after therapy the week before.
I had to tell him that I felt he was cold and distant, that I felt that unsupported feeling that drives me to the brink. He thought I was going to get really mad at him over something so he was prepared for worst I think - lol.
Not sure how he makes it so easy to say things but he does. He said that he wants to know when I feel that way and to ask for what I need. He talked about his personal style and that he will also make mistakes and he needs to know when he does. He never holds himself up as some kind of all knowing deity.
He said we can communicate about everything that's going on and work things out. I told him that sometimes I felt he was impatient with me. He said that he is impatient as part of his personality so if that comes across I should let him know and we would see if it's something he's conveying in some small way.
He totally reassured me that he's not impatient, annoyed, distant etc.. That he would never try to provoke me in any way. His kindness really came through.
It was great to understand each other better. We also talked about the professional distance he maintains, and as he said - his personal style.
Discussed my transference and projection of my mother's behavior onto him. This was hard to talk about because I know I'm doing it and I hate it, I don't want to be doing it. When I get down to the hard stuff it's just there. I start to feel that he's not there for me, that he doesn't care. These are the kinds of things he wants to know about. He doesn't care what I have to say to him, he just wants to know what it is.
He treated the transference like it wasn't a big deal, like it's bound to happen, not to feel guilty about it.
He also told me stuff about what he was thinking at certain times, gave me a real look into how he operates. He explained more about the process of therapy and the point we are at now as opposed to when we first started. He said anytime he asks me a question I can ask him why he asked me that. He'll tell me exactly what he's up to and what he's thinking.
I told him how, after every session, I have some kind of suspicious thoughts about him (mostly about his motives) and he said "well, you are probably not suspicious, more like guarded." I laughed and said, "no, definitely suspicious!"
So, I think as we discuss these things more and more I will be able to know him well enough to sense his caring and presence during sessions. Sometimes I think it would be easier with a woman (although as first I didn't want to see a woman). Sometimes, I think my T is such a GUY.
I've never had any doubts about his skill or experience. He knows the PTSD thing very, very well. I get the feeling that he's seen this journey so many times and yet he's going on the same journey with me one step at a time and not rushing it.
