Should A Therapist Show Compassion?

[seedling]

I had a thought about this thread after my session this week. I think I am finally getting to know my T well enough to see his compassion. I don't remember what I was talking about this week, but I remember thinking "Oh, he really cares right now." I was able to recognize his compassion. Maybe a T shows compassion at times and it isn't recognized as such.

He has a really great way of being sort of a non-entity while he's listening to me. Like he's there, but not imposing himself in any way. Sometimes this seems distant when I feel the need to think he's right there with me. This time I was able to sense how he was right there.

I think I do something like kers was describing also, a sort of pushing away because I don't want to let him see the worst pain, or feel it myself at that moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I haven't read the thread, but yes, a therapist should show compassion.

During my last session, my therapist called me a bad client because I have anger and trust issues. Now you tell me ONE CPTSD patient who doesn't have anger and trust issues. Hmph.

 

[Iam]

Seriously Scared? If he gave you a label like that, "a bad client", for any reason you should run for the hills. Fire him and find a new therapist. I mean labeling is something our T's are supposed to be teaching us not to do! I am sorry. And yes, every single one of us has anger and trust issues.

I think my T told me to grow up today. I was having a hard time understanding him thru my fog, but I am pretty sure he said something like "Not to over simplify it, but you need to grow up." He was referring to inmature emotions in over reacting to hurtful things said to me.

 

[seedling]

I think it's OK to call myself a "bad client," but the therapist shouldn't! I don't much anymore, but when I first started I thought of myself as the "bad patient" all the time. I think it's faded because my T seems to accept me even though I feel lost, confused, and wrong.

Maybe yours wanted to see how deep the anger went! He's lucky he's still standing. I don't know if I could find one person that doesn't have anger and trust issues.

 

[jesse]

Holy crap Scared I can believe your T said that. What an ass. I have been to so many therapists I have seriously lost track. I guess I realize there are good ones and bad ones and then some really bad ones. I had one guy who was like pushing late seventies tell me that I was "smart, successful, pretty and as a matter of fact if he was 40 years younger he'd be all over me!" Talk about freaked out! It's kind of funny now that I look back and tell the story. Needless to say I never went back but I gave him an earful before I left. The super sensitive ones kind of give me the heebie jeebies but thats just me. I guess it comes across as superficial to me and makes me uncomfortable. I just started with a new T have only had two sessions but I think he is going to be one of the good ones. Keeping my fingers crossed.

 

[bluecat]

I don't know if I am too late answering the original question, but for me personally it was really important that my therapists shows emotions of all kinds, compassion, anger, humor, in response to what I was describing. Most of my traumas happened in childhood or adolescence and for the most part I was told that those things were either normal or I should enjoy them or that there is something wrong with me if I showed pain or fear when abused.

I was really learning for the first time from my therapist what are the normal responses to being beaten or raped or neglected. I didn't have any point of reference to what I could feel or behave like, what was OK to feel, what was normal. I guess it would be different for people who grew up in a normal environment, but I was pretty isolated and abused as a child, so I had a lot to learn and it had to come from someone. Pain and fear are innate, but our reactions to them are learned behavior.

I learned from her to get angry at my abusers. She was the first person to tell me: what you're describing really makes me angry! And I was like, hell yeah, me too. Now I can stand up for myself, something I wasn't able to do before. I also learned that its OK to feel hurt and cry when I told my pastor what my exhusband did to me and he started to have tears coming out of his eyes. That was very powerful, I saw someone I respected showing emotions I wouldn't allow myself to feel.

So yeah, for me compassion is the most important thing I need in my therapist.


Bluecat

 

[Iam]

Well said Bluecat ;o) I still haven't talked to my T about it as I ended up in the hospital right after I sent him the email about this. When we met after I got out the session was all about what landed me in the hospital.

I have to say my EMDR specialist is always really tuned in to what I feel. I am so thankful for that. The comparison makes me angry at my primary T. I am not sure if it is what he is or isn't doing or if it is that I am projecting my father onto him. It makes me feel so confused. Whenever I get angry at someone it confuses me b/c I don't know if my anger is warranted or a reaction to the past. He had knee surgery today so I won't get to see him next week. Hopefully by the next appt I will still be feeling the same way so we can discuss it.

 

[bluecat]

Whenever I get angry at someone it confuses me b/c I don't know if my anger is warranted or a reaction to the past.

OMG, me too! Lots of times when I get angry I get desoriented and my brain switches off. It feels like all of a sudden I have vaccuum in my head and no thoughts can make it through. Mostly it only takes a couple minutes now. When I recognize it, I make a point of noticing what I am feeling and why and reassure myself that just because I feel angry, doesn't mean I get killed. That helps. I know my fear sounds over the top dramatic, but it is what it is. Apparently, that was my take home message from my father's love.

Good luck addressing this with your EMDR therapist Iam,
Blue

 

[jesse]

Iam I completely understand the self-doubt. Its been a common theme for me. I have been in several situations like this and then when I open up to friends, coworkers, etc about what bothers me about something they often times have the same feelings about a particular situation. Then I'm like wow I'm not crazy after all, not making this up. It's hard for me to confront people about things like this because when I did so as a kid I was screamed at, hit, told I have a serious problem it's all me. So I grew up learning to keep it inside because the consequences were much worse if I expressed my feelings. Now I still really struggle but I am starting to say f**k it I'm not keeping this inside, I'm saying it and yes it has resulted in serious fights and I have lost some friends but I feel so much relief from the anxiety that even though the pain of losing that friend or whatever the situation was that was bothering me so much it was worth it. Now as far as confronting my parents I'm not so good at doing this because I know it isn't going to change their behavior so I am trying to quit letting them affect me so much, walking away from it but at the same time not being hard on myself because they are the ones with the problem not me. One of the things I really want to work on in therapy is how to control the anger so I don't get to the point that I finally blow up at somebody thereby learning to communicate more effectively. Iam if this therapist is a trigger for you its not all you, try someone else and maybe when you step back and later reflect on it you might realize that your instincts were right.
Jesse

 

[Iam]

Thanks Jesse and Blue,
I understand about the holding it in until you explode Jesse. I do that too and for the same reasons.

Actually I do have another T and I think that is where the comparison is coming in. She is validating me. Not that my other T doesn't, he does at times. I'm not sure what it is that is bothering me. Somehow I feel like he thinks it's all my fault. Not what happened to me as a child, but when I was a teen and currently the way my husband sometimes treats me. He tells me that I set myself up for it or gives all the rational (male thinking) reasons why my husband might say the things he does. Where as my EMDR T feels that what my husband says to me at times is emotional abuse, trying to keep me down so he can control me. I have felt that for 3 decades. Not that he is doing it consciously, I don't believe he is. It is validating that she sees that there is that possibility. Is that just the difference between a male and female therapist? IDK. I need to talk with my male T about all of this. His answers will determine if I continue seeing him along with my other T or just drop going to him all together.


I think he believes everything is within our control. I agree with him in part, but I also know that I am not entirely in control of myself right now. I am learning that the different ego states in me i.e. the hurt little girl and hopeless teenager, come out when triggered. My EMDR T and I talked about that yesterday. It's very hard for me to accept, but at the same time I KNOW she is right. Blue, I am trying to learn to recognize that when that switch turns off that it is one of my other egos taking over trying to protect me in the way I had to protect myself as a child. This is what me T tells me anyway. She is teaching me how to comfort those egos that are frozen at specific ages. She says that eventually I will be able to integrate all of them together. Boy will that be wonderful!!!!!

 

[jesse]

She sounds like a great therapist Iam. I think in theory we are in control but in reality sometimes not. We aren't superhuman you know what I mean? I always thought it would be interesting to see how our therapists deal with their own lives. Do they practice what they preach or are they just as troubled as we are? My brother always teases me because I'm a veterinarian and I had this dog who was so undisciplined not a bad dog just a bit rambunctious. Anyway he would say to me "you know psychiatrist's kids are the most screwed up!" I try to remember that they are human too. I don't know about your male T Iam I think you are smart to go one more time and see if you keep getting that negative vibe. Why would he say that to you when it's partly his job to help you be in control. It would be like someone coming to me with a sick dog or cat and me saying to the owner "it's your fault the dog's sick, you were in control" vs helping them understand how to better take care of their pets. If I am just rambling and making no sense let me know LOL.
Jesse

 

[Iam]

Hmmm...yeah I can see the correlation Jesse. He does give me suggestions on how to communicate with my hubby better. I also understand that he is saying that we have formed habits of communication and our relationship started with him being a rescuer. So it is possible that I am just being over sensitive. IDK, I think I just need to be completely up front and see where it takes us. My T may say that we've done as much as we can in therapy together and that it is time to move on. I just have to get up the nerve to tell him how I am feeling. That is really hard to do. GAH!