Should A Therapist Show Compassion?

[Iam]

Seedling....wow was that helpful. Thank you so much.

Originally posted by Seedling
In a session when we are talking I'm cyclying through emotions without ever getting into them. Sometimes it's frustrating.

I can talk very factually about feelings I have had in session, but we never get into the feelings I am having while in session. I usually only feel anxiety, but I think that is a secondary emotion. If we could get into that maybe we could start bringing the real emotions out.

Originally posted by Seedling
I have cried in some of my sessions, I don't have an impossible time doing it if someone is really paying attention to me - which he is. But recently I've wished that I could cry more, perhaps it would clear some things for me. Instead I feel like he wants me to talk. I can be close to tears three of four times during the session and I don't even know if he knows it.

I just came in from cleaning my horses stalls (that's where I do a lot of clear thinking) and was thinking just this. That I think I need him to acknowledge that he "sees" what I am feeling. The one time I got teary he said absolutely nothing, I think because he was afraid if he did I would shut down. He had to have seen the tears well in my eyes. I frequently shake from anxiety, he has never said anything. The only time he comments on what I am showing is if it is positive, like "You seem more relaxed today" or "you're smiling".

I think sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling, but maybe he sees it and could say something. Maybe that would help me tune into my feelings. If he notices I am shaking he could say "I see you are shaking, what are you feeling?" I'd probably say anxiety but then he could ask me "What are you anxious about". If I ever get teary again I'd like him to say "I see you are teary, what are you feeling" or "I see you are teary, it's ok to cry". I NEED him to acknowledge that he sees I am feeling something and help me identify what it is I am feeling.

Originally posted by Seedling

When I cry, usually alone, it brings up thoughts and words that draw out the pain in a good way - the words that come with giving myself over to it get right to the core of what's wrong. I can understand what the feeling is and why it hurts, I often get important insight.

I am certain that if I could cry I could get to the core of what is wrong. Plus I just need to get the tears out. I can't cry alone, I want to cry in session where I know that I am safe, that I will have help to figure things out and help if I totally freak out. I dissociate when I cry, it is very scary for me which is why I don't allow myself to. I want him to see what I am talking about when that happens. I also think that if I can start crying, eventually it won't make me dissociate anymore. You know, become desensatized to it. Does that even make sense?

Thanks Seedling....it really helped me to clarify what I was thinking!

 

[Jawn]

I am really thinking about NOT going. Hopefully I will get over that by then. I always have before so I am sure this will be no different.

I am sure you will get over it and go Iam. If you don't I will have to drive over and put on my caveman persona and drag you to your session! :rofl:

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Oh man, watch out...HE'S GOT A NEW CAR and can DRIVE IT FAST!!!!! You seriously have my permission Jawn ;o) Believe it or not...I copied and pasted my response to Seedling and emailed that to him too! Oh God am I in for it now! GAH!

 

[intothelight]

Hi I Am,

I've been mulling the question over in my brain (sometimes that takes a while because I have to go back and read what the question was several times :doh:) and really just keep coming back with another question.

If symptoms of PTSD include emotional responses that are excessive, wouldn't a T want to show a response to our emotions as a way for us to gauge what is appropriate or inappropriate?

I do not like to cry because it was a means of protection (from my mom) and defiance (towards my ex). So if I cry in a session and do not have a response, how do I know or learn when it is OK to do so?

Just some random thoughts.

ITL

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi ITL

Perhaps when there aren't negative consequences to do so?, that is how to know it's "ok".

 

[cherryblossom]

When I asked what he'd do if a client cried in his office he said he certainly wouldn't indicate they need to stop by throwing tissue at them, but that he'd just sit there and let them cry. I don't know.....to me having someone sit there and watch me cry without saying a word? For me, that would be invalidating. A lot of you say that you cry in your therapist's office. What do your T's do when you cry? Maybe hearing that would help me figure out what I need

This week was week 2 with my new therapist. After skirting around an issue for 40 minutes, then a further 10 minutes forming the sentence in my head, I finally said out loud, what needed to be said. My T just said, "I hear what you are saying, and I'm very sorry to hear that happened to you" Her validation made me cry. She said "It's ok to cry here". I responded that I didn't like crying. She said "there is nothing wrong with crying, with feeling sad. I feel emotional, because I know how hard that was for you to say. I feel emotional and it didn't happen to me. It's ok to feel sad, and to cry".

Anyway, not sure that helps but it answers the question you posed.

 

[cherryblossom]

but i don't like the box of tissues on the table that is always there as if they expect you cry, or that you are supposed to.

Yes, Elphaba, I always hate that box of tissues staring at you!! But what others have said about their T's is true. The tissues are there for you to reach, if necessary, but not thrust upon you, once crying, as if to tell you to stop.

 

[Tinyflame]

To be honest, I've just thought a box of tissues is a good thing if someone cries- you need tissues!

 

[Iam]

Originally posted by Junebug
Perhaps when there aren't negative consequences to do so?, that is how to know it's "ok".

I think that is exactly what he meant JB. However, since I am so terrified of being overwhelmed by negative emotions, including crying, I think I need to be told that it is ok. I need to know that he sees what I am feeling too. IDK, maybe that won't work either, but I think it will.

This week was week 2 with my new therapist. After skirting around an issue for 40 minutes, then a further 10 minutes forming the sentence in my head, I finally said out loud, what needed to be said. My T just said, "I hear what you are saying, and I'm very sorry to hear that happened to you" Her validation made me cry. She said "It's ok to cry here". I responded that I didn't like crying. She said "there is nothing wrong with crying, with feeling sad. I feel emotional, because I know how hard that was for you to say. I feel emotional and it didn't happen to me. It's ok to feel sad, and to cry".

CB I am so glad that you found a therapist that is providing the safety that you need. I believe what you said is what I need to feel safe too. In fact I copied and pasted my response to Seedling that stated exactly that, asking him to read it before our next session. I feel much better having sent that to him. I wish I could have said it outloud, but just couldn't...too afraid I guess. Thankfully email is a way that I can let him know what is going on inside my head so we can address the stuff I can't say.

 

[kers]

I think my therapist had to actually train me to handle his compassion. When I first started talking about my trauma he would talk about the 'little girl in me' and I would roll my eyes and call it BS. He would, kindly, drop it, but he persisted in expressing his sadness about what happened to me, his wish that he could have been there to stop it, and his desire to help me feel better. He has said these things probably hundreds of times to me, and I'm just starting to believe it and get it. And when he talks about the little girl now? I listen. Because I want to take care of myself, finally. I want to be compassionate towards myself, now that he's shown me how.

 

[macelia]

Ugh. Just the thought of that kind of compassion fills me with rage.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yikes, mind-boggling concept kers but I see where you're coming from, very likely (absolutely) necessary yet sooo difficult to get thru the 'uncomfortableness' of it all.