Should A Therapist Show Compassion?

[Jawn]

If it's easier for you, just email it to him before your next appointment. Then he will have read it and can plan accordingly. I don't think there is anything wrong in emailing it to him.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

Thanks Jawn....but is there anything wrong with what I said or am asking. God, why does this scare me so much?

 

[Jawn]

No there is nothing wrong with what you said or need him to do now. As I recall you got worried about stuff with him before and it turned out just fine. This will too.

Jawn

 

[Iam]

When I asked what he'd do if a client cried in his office he said he certainly wouldn't indicate they need to stop by throwing tissue at them, but that he'd just sit there and let them cry. I don't know.....to me having someone sit there and watch me cry without saying a word? For me, that would be invalidating. A lot of you say that you cry in your therapist's office. What do your T's do when you cry? Maybe hearing that would help me figure out what I need.

Yes, you are right Jawn. Still........gah, I HATE making myself vulnerable!

 

[Elphaba]

I am not sure what I think. I am fairly new to therapy. Once I got a little bit teary but the T said nothing. I didn't know what to expect, but i don't like the box of tissues on the table that is always there as if they expect you cry, or that you are supposed to. However, I find it in really starch contrast to when I am with close friends - I don't like getting teary then either, but the wall is definitely harder to penetrate when at the Ts.

 

[Iam]

OK....I copied and pasted it into an email which I sent to my therapist. I am really, really freaked out. Oh man do I hate this. Can't take it back now though. Shoot.....I would if I could, which is why I sent it instead of bringing it in. I KNOW I wouldn't have shared it then. Thanks for everyone's help and encouragement. I'll let you know what he says, that is if I survive until the session and the session itself, JK ;)

Oh man Elphaha...I am right there with you! LOL ;) My T says he keeps the tissue on the table next to the client so that he doesn't have to hand it to them, making them feel like they should stop crying. I don't think it is there as a symbol that we should be. I mean afterall, as my T points out, there are many different reasons for seeing a counselor. Some go to help with clarification on what path they should take, or maybe want to perform better in life in general etc. And many of us with deep issues don't cry easily and may never cry while in our T's office. I would like to be able to. I think it would be therapeutic.

 

[Iam]

When I asked what he'd do if a client cried in his office he said he certainly wouldn't indicate they need to stop by throwing tissue at them, but that he'd just sit there and let them cry. I don't know.....to me having someone sit there and watch me cry without saying a word? For me, that would be invalidating. A lot of you say that you cry in your therapist's office. What do your T's do when you cry? Maybe hearing that would help me figure out what I need

 

[Daisy_May]

My therapist is completely compassionate, she stops short of hugging me. She has been through a lot of what I have, and though sometimes I feel she crosses the border into unprofessional maybe, like referring to someone as a 'freak' or being too judgemental which makes me worry she could think of me like that someday, but basically it is what I need.

I have a childish response to the world that is far more prevalent than my 'adult' self. After I move I am going to get a more 'adult' T, but for the last two years the one I have has been perfect for me. We are both goofy and she laughs at all my jokes and I do impressions of people, I do that in normal convo anyway, but it is totally relaxed.

That is how she builds my trust, by being the same and letting me be myself, however up or down or childish or angry or zoned out I feel that day, and her job is to reassure me she wills tay the same and not abandon me. Wow I feel like judging myself right now, but I shall refrain. She wouldn't like that.

 

[Iam]

My T emailed me back telling me that he just wanted me to know that he received it and that it raises good questions. There are a couple of things he wants to clarify and that he looks forward to discussing with me this next Tuesday. I should be happy, but instead my anxiety level is so freakin high today. Makes me just want to quit all together. I am happy that he responded, don't get me wrong. Though I didn't expect or ask him to respond I think I would be far worse off if he hadn't. He probably knows that too which shows compassion.

Daisy_May, I am so glad that you have the right therapist for you. This thread certainly highlights that we all need different approaches and also that we need different approaches at different times in our therapy. I don't know how many therapists there are that can change up like that, if you've got one.....keep him or her!

 

[anni]

I can't get anything out of mine via email or on the phone. I'm sure it's because he knows I'm incredibly avoidant and if he allows me to slide with that once I'll no doubt come up with 20 reasons a week why I have to do it again. It must be like dealing with a liitle kid. The good ones, I think, play to our strengths and boulster the weaknesses. He pretty much stays a couple miles ahead of me, and I like that. Having said that, boy, I'd love to be able get an email from mine Iams! I'll write to him with things and get this brief, "Anni, it sounds like we need to get together. Call me." Sigh. I hate the dam phone and he knows it.

Don't quit, although you probably weren't really going to, were you? Just keep thinking of how good it's going to feel the day AFTER the session, having gotten there despite all the anxiety. Compared to the unbelievably awful things you've gotten though in your life ( and not to minimize how freaked out you are ) I'd have to think this would be a cake walk.

 

[Iam]

Haha Anni.....good for you and your therapist!!! Mine is always several steps ahead of me and keeps me off guard so I never know what is coming. Otherwise I would have the wall up before I even stepped in. He will never "discuss" anything via email either. He simply let me know that he had received & read it, that he appreciated my concerns as well as thought the questions were, in his opinion, valid and worth discussing. He knows that it is easier for me to type up and hand or email him things that are overwhelming to me, but it is only the jumping off point.....then as he said in his email, "these things are in some respects, better discussed face to face. I look forward to talking with you about them on Tuesday." So he is the same as your T in that regard. I appreciate that he made sure I knew he had read it and was accepting of my concerns. Still......I am really thinking about NOT going. Hopefully I will get over that by then. I always have before so I am sure this will be no different.

As far as feeling better the day after therapy......oh god I WISH! No, it usually takes one or two days before I am better and then it's time for my session with my EMDR T! That's ok, I quit work so that I can focus on therapy and it doesn't matter if I can't function on some days. In the long run I will benefit ;)

God T's can be frustrating can't they? :crazy: Make us do all the work and go thru all the pain. I mean....shouldn't they just be able to flip a switch and make us ok? Tongue in cheek here ;)

 

[seedling]

Iam, I've been so grateful to read this thread that you started, am just getting caught up.

I have been thinking of similar things with my T. I have cried in some of my sessions, I don't have an impossible time doing it if someone is really paying attention to me - which he is. But recently I've wished that I could cry more, perhaps it would clear some things for me. Instead I feel like he wants me to talk. I can be close to tears three of four times during the session and I don't even know if he knows it.

When I cry, usually alone, it brings up thoughts and words that draw out the pain in a good way - the words that come with giving myself over to it get right to the core of what's wrong. I can understand what the feeling is and why it hurts, I often get important insight. In a session when we are talking I'm cyclying through emotions without ever getting into them. Sometimes it's frustrating. He does ask me what those words are if I tell him I've cried in between sessions.

I've also noticed lately that it has become much more painful to cry. My chest really hurts and I have to stop to breathe - and it happens every time, no such thing as a little cry anymore. The pain of the emotion that comes with it is more intense than I've experienced before in my life. I feel as if I've become more resistant to crying.

I do frequently wonder if I need my T to be more "compassionate" so that I can get to the feelings without putting up the wall. I think he does genuinely care but sometimes I feel that he is keeping the distance a little too far.

He always gets up to put the kleenex closer to me so I know it's there - he does it when I'm finished and could use one. It feels like he does this as a purely compassionate gesture. In this I only feel his caring. I also don't notice where it is and usually have some in my pocket anyway:)

He lets me cry, I don't feel like he is staring at me - I think he looks away a little and it gives me more space. I remember the one time he asked me what I was feeling after a little bit. Maybe he senses that I am starting to get embarrassed and won't be able to stick with it.

It's all food for thought as I have to think about my own resistance to getting to the worst of the junk.

You are doing great in moving forward, if you weren't, things wouldn't change and give you new ways to look at things.

Enough rambling for now..............