General Should i address this situation?

[Freida]

Retail therapy is the best!!!

Hopefully when he gets into therapy he can work on boundaries with family - and get a grasp of how much it affects you. I had to do that a few year ago with my nut job brother and it really was one of the best things I've ever done

Oh! forgot to say that it was hubby who made me go to counseling because I was taking all my family drama out on him

 

[LuckiLee]

he is in therapy. Almost five years. Boundaries for his family? Yeah, right. He acts like they're so close. They probably were when they were little. It's stupid. He likes to pretend they're so close and supportive. They are anything but. He'd do /does anything for them. And they only care about themselves. I don't know if he's in denial about it or what? ... Although he does admit the dysfunction and the relationships are one sided. Idk. I'm confused about their whole dynamic.

I think.... When they were growing up they had to fend for themselves alot. I can see that making people selfish. J left home at 17. He wasn't there for alot of years. He'd be just like them if he stayed.

Rambling now. Sorry!

 

[Freida]

No need to apologize! ramble away!

I get the whole let's pretend thing -- I did that for a lot of years with my brother (who only contacts me when he wants something) and I had no idea that it was damaging to me. But I can kind of get why he's in denial -- who wants to admit that their family doesn't care about them? Do you think maybe he feels guilty because he got out and they didn't? Or he just wants to pretend that its ok -- happy wife, happy family, happy J?

I feel so bad for you both --- hopefully the storm will at least settle a bit until he can get done with all this crap and get into the hospital...

 

[scout86]

I don't know if he's in denial about it or what?

What you grow up with really tends to seem "normal". It can be pretty hard to see it as anything else. Seeing it as anything else brings with it a lot of other complicated thoughts. Not that that means you're not better off sorting it out, in the end, it's just not easy.

I'm not sure that fending for yourself makes you selfish. In some families, having to fend for themselves makes kids closer and they look out for each other. I'm kind of inclined to think people are selfish because they are.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks for your insight! I knew him before he joined the Army. They were close then. Maybe they've always been that way. Selfish. All I know is J has never been like that. He gives even when he can't.

@Freida. Retail therapy didn't happen. I cancelled because I just felt defeated today.

XO

 

[Freida]

wow -- ok when it cant be fixed by retail therapy you know its a bad day...:(

I'm so sorry..... I wish I could say something to make it better...but I know I cant. so I'll say I'm thinking of you and hoping this storm will pass soon....:hug:

 

[grimalkin]

My sufferer's family...Had I known then what I know now, I never, EVER would have encouraged him to "get along" with them, for the sake of his kids. But, his kids have also thanked me for encouraging him to create relationships with them (the kids). So...yeah.

His mom? Can go straight to hell. I stopped all contact with her when it came out just how badly he was abused as a kid, by her, by his dad, by their later spouses, by step-siblings. I was disgusted, especially when, now, she "jokes" about it. Right after we separated, she sent me an email saying how she hopes she and I can continue having a loving relationship, even though he and I aren't together anymore. I sent her a short email saying, for various reasons, that would not be possible. I wanted to lay it out on her so badly, but I knew it would only come back to hurt him and his kids, somehow.

And everyone else sees her as such a martyr and saint for "Stepping up" and "saving his children when he abandoned them." She had them TAKEN from him. It wasn't enough to ruin his childhood, she had to destroy his adulthood as well.

So yeah. My sufferer's family INFURIATES me. And I can't tell anyone (ie, his children, his ex wife with whom I'm still friendly, and who still has a close relationship with his mom) why. And it's getting to the point where his children are adults, and they can make their own decisions. Unfortunately, his mother has had way too much influence over them.

Anyway. Families. Yeah. *hugs to all y'all*

 

[Freida]

hmmmm... Ok, so reading @grimalkin made a light bulb go off in my head. Maybe this will help??

I know that I'm one of the lucky ones because I had a great family life growing up. But. My brother had his first skitzo break when he was a teen (after I left home) and it totally derailed our family. I don't think much about it all the drama that followed. It's just life with a schizophrenic and the sacrifices you have to make. My trauma had to take a backseat because my parents were totally overwhelmed.

About 15 years ago Hubby told me I had to chose between him and brother because I was going to move brother in with us because he was homeless -- again. Either I went to counseling and learned to draw some boundaries or he was out. I was pretty pissed that he gave me an ultimatum, but I didn't want my marriage to end so I went. And learned really good boundaries. That pissed off everyone in my family - so yea, there's a strain these days.

Fast forward a few more years and I realize my hubby cannot stand my parents or my brother. He does a good job of keeping it to himself, so it was only after I got diagnosed and got a service dog that he got mouthy. His view of my family is completely different than mine. He views them as abusive and unsupportive, that that they expect way to much from me and are unwilling to accept I have an issue. He wants me to keep my distance from them as much as possible - especially from my brother (who now that I think about it shares a lot of J's sister's traits).

Honestly I don't understand. They are my family. Warts and all.

Then I made the mistake of taking hubbys side in an argument with them and wow. I got a glimpse of what he means.

I still keep in touch with them but the rules have changed. Maybe that's the part that J needs to see. That you can keep the family - you just need to tweak the rules a bit

It's funny that this light bulb didn't go off before.........